(0:00)The Pressure to Lead
The other day we were doing an episode and I wanted to say something that I knew would have got him into trouble. I'm going to say it today. Right. The men of today were raised by women yesterday. Oh, sorry. Paul, say that again. The men of today were raised by women. Right. Okay. So, if you meet a guy who's not emotionally available, go and ask what what what did teach him? Unfiltered. Welcome to another episode of PF unfiltered. My name is Tundrella. I am joined by Kenneth. Hey, you can't even remember my own last name. Kenneth Onigbinde. Yeah, Kenneth Onigbinde. And um we're also joined by uh PF in PF on Pastor Femi. Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why can't you just introduce me just normally? Ken. Sorry. Ken and PF. There you go. There you go. Yeah. Okay. So, I mean today today's uh today's topic is really interesting. And I know the audience can see three guys. And that's true. We've never had this. We never had I think we've never had this before. Yeah, we've never had this before. Interesting. Uh but that's leading us to what we're trying to talk about today. So uh PF I'm going to ask you a question about in your perspective what you feel are the top three struggles of a of a Christian man and or men in general when it comes to like leadership right that's one your top three struggles I'm going to ask you Canada a question on if you feel like men are allowed to for whatever ever reason express themselves. Mhm. Right. Or is it just you got to provide protect you don't have space for you to be emotional or even if you have space for it but that just make sure it's right we're good. Okay. Before I ask before you answer the question PF I want to also address like the audience if if there's any lady listening and you feel like yeah this about guys I'm done. I I I would urge you to please not do that. Listen, right? If you have a brother, actually will argue that this is more for Yeah. or equally for men and probably for
(2:11)Top Struggles of Men
women as well, so they can understand some of the nuances that we might feel as we express ourselves because so PF, can you answer the first question? Well, I think the the the the the biggest challenge for leadership, male leadership or any kind of leadership, I would assume Christian leadership is being faithful to to to to what God is saying, right? Hearing what God is saying and being faithful to that I think is sometimes a challenge because when God says turn left right that's hearing that silencing all the noise and hearing that can be a challenge and then doing that can also be a challenge because you got people telling you well actually you should turn right your education tells you you should turn right your community tells you you should turn right you know I think that's also a challenge Um I think also for a leader convincing people to go along with what God has said for me those are the three most challenging things. Right. A fourth one would be managing yourself. Okay. Right. managing your own um emotions and your feelings and your thoughts in a crowd, you know, particularly if you're a leader in that crowd can be a bit of a challenge. I don't know if this answers No, it does. So like before sorry can I like so you in your experience as a leader of one of the fastest growing churches still still growing super fast in central Dallas you can you what struggles have you personally experienced like as a leader obviously as a all those things right hearing God um doing what God says um convincing people right cuz you know when you're a leader it's not just about you doing what God says Sometimes you have to carry along a group of people with you, right? And not be carried by the people, right? You know how um um Aaron ended up with uh the golden calf, he was carried by the people, right? Um and then you know I have my own struggles as a human being, as a man, as a as a Christian dealing with all of that, right? It's almost like you have to live and you have to walk and chew gum at the same time, right? You're dealing with your life, right? So, for example, you are a father dealing with the challenges of fatherhood, right? With your biological children, but then there are other people who are not your biological children, but they are your spiritual children. And you got to deal with that as well, right? And sometimes the the the the the demands of both sets of children, right, can be not not conflicting, but they can they can be happening at the same time. Right. Right. Right. Right. You know what I mean? Yeah. I get what you mean. Cuz for me, like I'm trying to personalize what you're saying. And can are you are you what's known by you and your when you were born, are you the last I'm the last born. Last of two. Of two. Both boys. No. No. Okay. I'm the sister. I'm the last of six, right? And Yeah. Yeah. Shout out. Shout out. I'm the I'm the first of four. You're the first of four? Yeah. Okay. So, and I'm assuming there's there's good distribution from a male female. The my younger brother is a year younger than I am. That's just a little over a year. I had a sister who's passed away. And then I have a younger brother who I'm seven years older than. Okay. So it was 1969, 1970, 1972, 1976.
(5:55)The Last-Born Complex
Okay. So for me, and there's a huge there's a huge age gap for my oldest to me, but as a man, right, that has his own family and has to work and has his faith. I can tell you that I struggle because as a last born child, I feel like my dad left when I was young. when I was five. I don't think I said this before, but um I've struggled as a lastborn child to to be responsible, right? Cuz I feel like and this is what I told my wife. I said, "Okay, look, like, shout out to Wendy." I said, "Look, Wendy's is his wife. She's my wife." I said, "Look, like doesn't want to take some random." Exactly. So, I don't cuz that's just a lot of Wendy's. Anyway, I said, "Look, like I'm not sure about this marriage thing." cuz she confronted me and she said like what what what are we doing? And the first thing I said was like I don't like responsibility. I I don't I don't enjoy it. I I think I want to be responsible for myself. I want to be able to have the freedom to do what I want to do without the pressure of act a particular way. So I struggled with that. Yeah. Cuz it's a luxury you've had all your life, right? Never had to deal with stuff. Yeah. You have six people in front of you, right? So the expectations by the time you get to is very low. Nobody expects anything of you, right? all their needs, all their desires, all their hopes have already been established and sorted. So you got over use your life and joy. Do you feel like I project like I I I projected that as that was my world view now growing up. So cuz there was no expectation of me. I didn't want my wife to have expectations of me. Yeah, it was expectation. There was no expectation of you, right? I mean you you have been responsible for yourself. I have and I did a really good job. You had gotten to the point where you could meet a Wendy, right? So you had but what you didn't want is not responsibility is expectation. Yeah. Okay. You want to do things when you want how you want. That's not about responsibility cuz you do things. You just don't like to be like anybody to expect you to do something. And that's one of the luxuries of being a lastborn, right? There's no expectation. That's one of the challenges of being a man, right? Cuz there's a lot of expectations. There's a lot of expectations. So those those two world views don't feel it's a problem, right? And when you are a male last born, right? Sometimes it's like it's a bit, you know, jarring. One minute in your house, nobody cares what you do. But then when you get outside, everybody's like, "Man up." Right. Right. You know what I mean? But it is what it is, right? You got to walk and chew gum at the same time. You got to be a last born and a first born at the same time. Some of us have always been first borns from day one, from the get- go. Right. The expectation has always been there. And so you're used to respect that. Yeah. No, we're used to expectations. Expectations. We're used to expectations. We wear expectations, right? And then when you become a leader, right, oh my god, you you're carrying it. It's like and if you're not careful, it will it will kill you, right? Trying to meet expectations, right? Cuz some of those expectations are inappropriate. They're inordinate, right? Nobody has the right to expect that of you, right? So being a man, right, is filtering all these expectations and asking yourself, which one is the one I'm supposed to carry? Right. And that's a challenge because Okay. Okay. Do you want do you do you want to answer the because I want I want Kenneth K's answer to segue us into this this whether it's societal whether it's um how we were raised this burden to be a man and to be a good man. The exposition from like our spouses or relationships or parents or friends whatever just to be a man in modern society. I know I asked you earlier that the struggles of the emotional component of it like how do you express so once I guess Ken can answer that question and kind of segway back to Sure. Absolutely. I think what PF just said like the expectation part of it and when it comes
(9:45)Keeping Emotions Bottled
to like that piece of like you know emotional or I guess you could also call it mental health in a way. Uh for a long time I think society has expected men to like keep it all in that that's what I I saw growing up. So I'm 27. So even in those like what? I'm 30 years older than you. I was 30 years old when you were born. No, cuz you you said you was 27. He kind of made you like like my friend give me some water to drink. You're sitting down here. My just you just come call come like talk. Yeah. Yeah. You be asking me question say about PF. I call you PF. My friend call it daddy. Defend your son. PS just like that segue into what daddy daddy made sense. Uh I think growing up I still felt like it was there was a requirement to keep people bottled up and like not show it. But I think in recent times from what I've seen, I don't know about most men, but it's like people want men to open up more. I believe and I think a portion of that is also I think there's a belief that men who are able to show I guess their emotions, specifically control of those emotions are more desirable men. I That's interesting. I I I think I think really what Kenneth is saying is the truth, right? But Kenneth situation is not a man sit a cultural situation because 27y old um Americans, right? Don't have that. They grew up with the letting it all out, right? But you're still operating under the influence of a cultural tradition, right? that is you know in the west is still is is a bit further behind right the challenge we have is society has not articulated clearly right or we sometimes don't understand the articulation of what a man is and it changes with every generation right what a man is in my father's generation was diff it's what a man is in my generation right and it's different from what a man is in your generation Right? So if you are raised to be a man of my father's generation, right? And that is a man who does not talk a lot about his emotions. Talk a lot about his just a man who does not talk a lot, right? Talking a lot was a woman's things. Yes, they're just talking like a woman, right? A lot of talking was considered a feminine trait, right? So you learn to be a man of few words. Well, that was a desirable um um um um description of you. He's a man of a few words, a man of action. Doesn't talk, but he gets stuff done. Right. Right. But then you're growing up in a time when a man is supposed to talk and be emotionally available, right? You're going to have a problem. Yeah. You're going to have a problem. Right. You were raised to be this kind of guy, but society expects you to be this kind
(12:58)Western vs. African Norms
of guy, right? And a lot of us who came from um um Africa and um the other countries to the west struggle with this, right? Because let me put it like this. That male, that man that is emotionally available, that is open about his feelings, that cries when he feels it, that man is very desirable in the western culture. There's a bit of a in our eyes, and I'm not saying this is accurate, okay? There's a bit of he's there's a bit there's something effeminate about him, right? That man that is emotionally, you know, let's use the word available, even though that thing is a problem, but let's just say that man is emotionally available. There's a bit of we consider him a little effeminate, right? But women like that guy. Women want that guy, right? But we were raised to be the guy that our grandmothers and mothers wanted, right? Doesn't talk. just comes there's food that the rent is paid you know just does stuff do you get that was the strong silent type you know what I mean so then it's a struggle to become this guy who all your life you've been raised why you crying are you a girl that's what you were told right cuz you hear the terms and this is more secular but you hear the don't be a be why you acting like a be yeah you know when you hear all of those things and all of a sudden it's like And you're not emotionally available. What do you mean? Right. I'm not I I I don't know how to be emotionally available because I have
(14:33)Raised by Women?
been trained and you know what the Bible says, train a child in the way that he should go from it. And when he's old, he will not depart from it. And that's why the other day we were doing an episode and I wanted to say something that I knew would have got him into trouble. I'm going to say today, right? The men of today were raised by women yesterday. Oh, sorry. Paul, say that again. The men of today were raised by women. Right. Okay. So if you meet a guy who's not emotionally available, go and ask what what what did teach him the women raise the the the kids. Fathers just provided this whole thing of your father playing with you. Okay. Your dad wasn't around. My dad was around but he was not playing anything with me. He came my father went to work in the morning and on his way to work when he's about to get this is when you see him. You go to him and you say, "Good morning, daddy." Right? And if you were old enough, he's giving you sudden chores like you iron his clothes. Have you ironed my shirt? Where's my shirt? And then you bring the shirt and he sees creases on it where there should be no creases. Strike one. Right. That's it. Sort out his shirt. He puts his shirt on. He eats breakfast. He goes to work. He comes back home. He eats dinner or whatever it is he's eating. He's out with his boys. Mhm. All the conversations, all the this is how you behave, that's not how you behave, came from your interactions with your mother. Is your mother say why you crying like a girl? M you know your mother, you talk too much, you talk too much, you are too cuddly, you are too clingy, you get that mostly from your mom, right now you got these women now saying, "Why are you so stiff? Why are you not I can't I can't you know I can't communicate. You're not vulnerable. Von, that vulnerability you're asking for would have earned me a slap. Why you baby like why why you acting like a dummy? You know, you know, all of these things that they now say is desirable were things that you got into trouble for. Right. Right. And if your parents weren't raising you to be a hard man, your community was raising you to be a hard man. Can you imagine going to school and then somebody slapping you and you start crying? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, not the school I was. Yeah. Not the school I can't Well, your school was a bit of a zoo, but it's okay. But King's College League was founded in 1909 by the British I'm a hater. I'm a hater. I'm a hater. I'm a hater. I'm a hater. Just chuck it up to No, no, it's all good. It's all good.
(17:02)Is Chivalry Dead?
You get my point. No, no, I guess. Okay. So for me now like I want to I want to create a like a scenario and I want you like let's maybe make this a little more practical. Imagine a situation where like as a guy, you know, you're let's say you're leading Bible study, you know, you're you're grunting in your faith. You're trying your best to be better, right? You're working hard. You're doing doing well for yourself. And you feel this pressure to let's say on a date with a girl to, I don't know, behave particular way. Like for example, like she's expecting you to pay for the bill for whatever reason or or maybe to be a little more what's you open the door the shivery and for and and and you're like I don't feel this particular girl quoteunquote deserves that level of shivery shivery for whatever reason, right? And but then you think ah but as a Christian now correct me if I'm wrong if I'm making as a Christian I should be I don't think there any biblical say to be polite doesn't call you does not call you to be shiverous it cause you to be kind to be to be kind that's the word I'm looking for gentle cause you to be gentle cause you to be kind right so if I decide not to for example say I'm not paying this bill because you've not been so nice is that not being kind I don't know does she have money to pay the Let's just assume she doesn't but she's just but her behavior has not been so so so Christianity you're saying is it okay as a Christian to let her be embarrassed and humiliated by the witter right no no no I'm asking are you no I'm saying what I'm saying is if her behavior I agree behavior have as your behavior towards God be such that God has been like you know let me allow boys suffer. I feel like go do that sometimes just like I learn lesson. What I'm saying is like you want to teach a lesson. No, no, not necessarily. If I deem, let's say I'm on a date. Is that kindness? I mean, kindness would be let me I'm I'm telling you, you ask me let me tell you kindness is look young lady whatever. Mhm. I don't appreciate the way you have behaved tonight. Right. I think it was inappropriate, disrespectful, whatever. Right. But when we came on this date, you took on the responsibility of paying the bill that then so she left her house without any money cuz she expected you're going to pay the bill. Then you now allow her be humiliated, embarrassed because of what? No, I mean this is not a thing by the way. I don't know why like I scenario in that scenario in that scenario kindness is letting the person know what they have done. Right. Right. Right. Right. and not calling them after the date. No second date, no date after that. Okay. No, let me let me I apologize to you. Let me rephrase this. I mean in a better way in a better way. Let me rephrase this. Okay. There is clearly a lot of experience between the three of us on this podcast. Right. There's a lot of experience
(20:07)Defining a Good Man
as men in the faith. Right. Okay. I don't like this. What will you do? I I want the three of us to answer this as as honestly as you can. Okay. How will you define what a good man is? Thank you. Yeah, it's give give us give us your I was going to piggy back on everybody. No, for me as as Okay. Okay, that's good. I'm not going to cop out as Yeah, as someone that is married um and someone that is that works hard to a certain extent, but again, all these things are are gifts from God. I would say a good man is someone that is honest, right? Someone that is responsible for their emotions and someone that leads in terms of provision and protection. Right. That's why I would say a good man is I disagree with that's why I knew I knew you're going to disagree with because honesty honesty in itself is not a virtue. Honesty is not a virtue. It's not a virtue. People say honesty is a virtue is not I can be honest and cruel with my honesty. I can tell you the truth all the time. I can use it to destroy you. Cuz you're saying the way they Okay, let me take that back. Integ integrity. Integrity is is that there's a consistency in the way you behave and what you believe. If what you believe is evil and you live evily, you are you have integrity to be integrously. Okay, that was my piece. Uh Ken, do you want to go next? When we say a man of integrity and and these are the things that people say but they don't really think about say a man of integrity right a man of integrity is somebody who who keeps his word who there is integrity there's consistency between what he says and what he does right and if what I say is evil and I live evil I have integrity what I meant was if I if I'm if I so so I I would define a good man as a kind man period a kind man yes kindness Can you beat on that a little more? Okay. Somebody who approaches life and approaches people with kindness, right? A person who thinks about doing evil or doing good and doing good always wins, right? Because you see, life will throw you into so many different situations, right? And if you are guided by the philosophy of doing good, right, you will always be a good person. You know what I'm trying to say? Yeah, I agree. Right. If you are guided by provide and protect, for example, that is open to so much. Right. It's so it's such an ambiguous statement
(22:58)Can You Be Kind & Lazy?
in many ways to me. It's vague. Yeah. Right. What does it mean to provide? Okay. So if my family I have to take food from your mouth. Am I a good man? Sit down. The prerequis and the idea of a good man changes with every generation. So the strong silent type, the guy who doesn't cry was considered a good man. Right now the guy who cries a lot is considered a good man and the one who doesn't cry is considered a bad man. M people, we have this conversation on this podcast where people were ending, women were saying they would not go on a second date with somebody who was not emotionally available even though he'd been trained all his life to be emotionally unavailable. Where is he going to get that from? Where is he going to get the impetus to be emotionally vulnerable particularly with somebody who he doesn't know and doesn't trust yet? Yeah. Do you think men should be shown more grace in this? Absolutely. All of us should be shown more grace. right? You know, is is like the guys who call women gold diggers. I think that is such an offensive statement, right? Because at the end of the day, a lot of women were raised, right, to believe that a man should provide for them. Mhm. In one capacity or the other. Even the guys who say provide and protect, they are proponents of this doctrine. My job is to provide and protect. Meaning your job is to be dependent. Yeah. And they are the same ones. The same provider and protect guys are the same one in that same breath call somebody gold diggers. Particularly those guys are very quick to call people gold diggers. Right. I'm saying that I'm providing gold. You are saying that for gold. Yes. Now the hypocrisy of the whole statement or the contradiction of it is is problematic. But let let me just quickly say this. So, so with each generation, right, those things it changes. Mhm. Right. But what transcends generation is kindness. Mhm. A kind man. I I every woman I talk to when they say, "Oh, this guy, this is what I always say, is he kind? Is he kind? Is he kind to you? Is he kind to people around him that he doesn't have to be kind to because he wants something from them?" What if that's the only quality he has? That's a fantastic quality to have. That's a Let me tell you something. That's a fantastic quality to have. That's a good So he's kind but But what he get? He's kind but he's lazy. Okay. So he's kind. You can be kind and be lazy. So today you cannot be kind and be lazy. Cannot. How can Wait, wait, wait. How can I? Wait, wait, listen. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Let me let me explain something to you. Right. Laziness. Wait, wait. First now. Wait. I'm I'm waiting. Wait. If if meh right I'm kind and there are people hungry around me what is my instinct as a kind person to to help them food right yeah if I'm genuinely kind I will not rest until I help them right but that could that transcends any laziness I feel no but those I can be lazy when there's no beneficiary of my effort if there's a beneficiary to my effort eh I'm Hercules but if there's beneficial to it like and this is the case with me go to the gym I'm super lazy man I'm super lazy I hey hey man working on a hey lifting weight for what now tell me that tuning needs somebody to help him change a tire right oh like 10 10 grand if I feel if I feel that you need it that you really need it then I will move heaven and earth within my capacity to get it but that's that's that's what kindness is that within your ability, you do everything to make the people around you's lives better. Yeah. Do you get? So when you say somebody's kind and lazy, I can't I can't reconcile the two virtues, the two qualities. Sorry, not virtues. You can't you can't see someone that is kind and lazy. Yeah. Because now they they're giving based on their abilities. What what they have. Let's say it was not by their kind person a kind person is motivated by the well-being of others. Okay. Mhm. Right. I get that. It it drives you. It motivates you. It inspires you that you can actually make a positive impact on someone else's life. Right? So when somebody says to me, right, I I met a guy, he's very kind, but he doesn't really cry. Why why isn't he able to cry? Express himself emotionally, right? Number one, does he trust you enough that okay, if he expresses himself emotionally, right, he's not going to turn around, you're not going to mock him? Because that's one thing men are afraid of. being made fun of. Right? So, are you safe enough for me to be vulnerable with? Right? That's number one. Number two, have I been so trained, right, that it's going to take another season of education, right, for me to understand that repressed emotions are problematic?
(28:02)The Language of Men
Do you get my point? So, it's not as simple as somebody is emotionally available, somebody's not emotionally available. We make it sound like it's a choice. You know, I just have decided that I'm not going to open up to you. I don't know how to. M the words that you even want when me and my guys talk right I know what they're going through but if you're not one of us you have no idea cuz from the language you can't tell anything to decipher what you say yes when I said to my guy how far and he said that's all we do you get then we can break it down if you want but he doesn't even if he doesn't need to break it down if he doesn't want to go into details I'm there for him Hey, my wife wants me to tell her, you know, I felt a little overwhelmed, you know, by the weight of the expectations, you know, I it was just the burden was just too much. It was just too much. It was just too much. I don't know how to use those words, right? Without you, but just more and I already know. So, we have our own language that is acceptable, right? It's not flowery. Yeah. is not, you know, it's not verbose. It's just But it works. It works when you're dealing with guys who have been through your journey. Yeah. When you're dealing with women and you're like, "So, babe, how's your day, man?" She's like, "Man, what?" Like, "Man, what?" And you're like, "Man," and she's like, "What? What? What happened? Tell me." And you just stop. And you just stop. You're in trouble. Yeah. You're not communicating anymore. What did I do wrong? You know, so she now starts to push you to talk. And that talk, right? What she wants to hear you say, eh, makes you feel like you are handing her your balls. Makes you feel like you are not a man. So you are. So So guess what we do? We stop disturbing me. Yeah. Because you're moving me into an area where I was overwhelmed at work. Now I have to deal with the fear that you might ridicule me. Right. So I'm going to just be like, leave it. Right. because you you really are pressuring me to deal with a fear that you may not have helped me resolve before this time. M right. If my wife and I I cry if something gets too much for me and I start to cry. AK has never once been like really what's going on. You know, she has never reacted in a way that made me feel like you're going to hear about this. M she's never done that, reacted in a way that made me feel like I'm going to hear about this. So, so now if things get too much and water comes out of my eyes, I don't start thinking, "Hey, Fe, you are finished. You have given this woman ammunition."
(30:53)When She Uses It Against You
But some relationships like that and I'm not saying this academically. I know for sure. I know. I'm not going to give names, you know, and I hope they're not listening to your doctor. I'm going to tell you a story, right? A couple is in my office and they're having a really rough conversation. It it gets really intense, really rough. And the guy starts to cry, right? Yeah. And they get in the car on the way home and and the wife looks at says, "Dang, man. You were crying like a little bit or more shit." The nervous system went on defense mode. Every man, every man is afraid of that. Yeah. Yeah. Because we have been taught, not every man, our generation of men, of men from Africa, right? The ones who grew up here outside of this African context are more comfortable. They won't think of it like that. But the vast majority of us think of it like that. So man, this person that you want to cry in front of, you have to check them out and make sure that they're not going to turn around tomorrow and say, "Ah, you just cry." Like what if that is the girl in that restaurant that you wait to pay? That's
(32:04)Don't Change Who You Are
the girl. That's the girl. So So that girl, let me tell that girl to be let me tell kind. You're not kind because of you. You're kind because that's who you are. So you don't deny yourself because of her. You know what the Lord taught me one time? The Lord says you don't change yourself because of bad people. Bad people should change, not you. Right? So if you're doing something good and somebody responds in a bad way, the solution is not for you to become a bad person. not to do I for night. They are the ones that have a problem cuz I want I I something happened a long time ago. Somebody was disrespectful to me cuz I was kind and the Lord said and I was like it's not their fault. It's because yes I made myself available but never again and the kind of person that I am if I say never again never again if you push me to a never again you will it will never again happen. As I said that never again the Holy Spirit says FM really you're going to change who you are who I made you to be because of this person's bad behavior. How does that make sense? Makes no sense. Exactly. So now if people do bad things right I try not to take it as okay I need to do bad things back. It doesn't make any sense. Yeah right because that means that evil has won. You get? No makes sense. I mean honestly I was just I know I know I know but Kenneth can give us since he's the youngest of this demographic me I'm like 42 right now. Yes sir. You know I look younger but li you know 42 bro that's cat you don't know my age. Pick it up. You're not 42. You're not 42. You're like 38 or 36. I I believe it. I believe it. You know, he's in his status. Wow. Do I mean that's a compliment though. Appreciate you. I mean, you don't look for the truth. It's It's possible. It's possible. I don't I don't think for this game. Check. Check your check. Yeah, check it. I beat you. Sure. Bity. You want to check You want to check your bone. Check your bone mar3. You're going to ask the young man a question. 1983. Let's do that math. Wait, bro. What you talking about? 1983. 83. You can't be 42. I will, man. You be 45. That's not even possible. Yeah. You be Why you You're doing Let's go. Let's go. Yeah. Yeah. 43, bro. I'll be 43 in October. Anyway, so can we check your check after Can we
(34:49)Defining Christ-likeness
uh So, we can just check it now. No, no. On the podcast, I show the screen. Uh, but for like PII reasons, I don't want to So, can it like what's your definition? He's the youngest of the group and I'm sure like, you know, he has a different perspective. I'm I'm going to give a cop out answer cuz I really don't want to get into it, but I would say being like Christ. No, no, no. Hear me out. like PF it's it's it's it's a it's an absurdly it's it's it's it's in fact it makes me want to say no okay you are 20 something yeah yeah yeah yeah like like come on man come on think about it be like Christ is progressive exactly no no no no don't okay you can't that's not an acceptable wait okay I mean we bear this treasure Right. Christ is the ultimate man. Yes. Right. But Christ is in the express image of the glory of God. Uhhuh. So, okay. I guess I say change your answer. Can we put it? This is a funny guy. A funny young man. Yeah. Funny young man. You know who I am. You know who we are. You know how old we are? High. We've been around for a long time. Okay. Okay. I have been around for a long time. You just got here. Sorry. No, but that's a good answer. What about not what about at least being okay the pursuit of trying to be like Christ and the kindness part that you mentioned that would be my first answer actually it's like being so copy my answer this one be kind but then the addition is someone who a good man is a man striving to be like Christ if you are there's no way you can miss a so let me tell you let me tell you the problem you can be a bad person trying to be like Christ you can be evil trying to be Like we calm down, calm down. I can meet you at a certain stage of your life where the old man has not completely died. True. Doesn't make you a good man yet. Maybe he's like there evil. Like good. He's completely redeemed. And if Hey, any girls watching? Yes. He's completely Yes. He's single. Exactly. So anyone that he's completely redeemed and his definition of a good man is someone that is like Christ. No, he's single and he's available. Breaking news. Yeah. Oh, it doesn't. No, seriously. And and and I I want PF to answer this question, but before he does, since you are the like the the one that is good, how do we set practical boundaries as men? H how? Boundaries for what? Just for I mean, I guess it's a really good question. Yeah, because true. It's true. You know what? That's a good point. So, so let me This is This is a good point. That's a good point. I I just I read the notes. I I read the prompt. I I did it. Shocked me. So boundaries for when I say but but I guess yeah it's a tricky term maybe not boundaries but how do we as a as the man that is redeemed and you know complete um how would you Kenneth when he been single um express that continue that that as a man express that Christentric uh kind leadership centric qualities in your day-to-day relationships without it becoming abusive taking advantage of you. Thank you PF. I want to hear that this you know he's he's full he's Christ answer the question I mean what answer the question yeah I mean I don't understand the small boys from no be kind right be kind like he said oh what you're just repeating what he said practically speaking how would you do that like like if you if you if you struggled with something like how would you how would you practically express that Christlikeness you you were describing in your dayto-day in my dayto-day give an example yeah in my day-to-day would be for example let's think the question was about boundaries I don't understand which one you're asking understand the crisis okay let's think like you're asking too many questions asking one question fair enough is your mind can't handle all this question okay you ask you ask the question this question it ask so for example in this case of let me just say relation ship, right? If you relationship, you can't really talking about relationship. Uhhuh. What would that look like? Pursuing to be like bring boundaries into it. And the for what's going to be on the forefront of your mind is to not what's the word I'm looking for? Discernment. No, no, no. Is to not to not exploit. That would be like one of a But the boundaries the boundaries are not about you exploiting. is about the person taking advantage of you. I I know what you mean. Yeah. Right. So, it would be you would set those boundaries. So, as I put it, when I was with the person I was with before, when you were in a relationship when I was in relationship, which you're not in anymore anymore, clearly, which I'm not in anymore. Making sure we get that. So, you're single? Yes. And he's got earrings. And I go follow you at follow you. So carry on. Carry on. So part of the boundaries is for me. Sorry. The boundaries is for me, but it's also ultimately it gets back to the person you're with. But let let me challenge you and ask you a question. What boundaries did Christ
(40:47)Do Boundaries Exist?
have to keep people out from hurting me? I knew was going to keep people from hurting that term was not maybe the best term. Boundaries Christ didn't have any boundaries. The one Yeah, he didn't have I think that's made that difficult. Yeah. So So, so when we talk about boundaries, boundaries usually are spoken of in terms of protection. protecting ourselves, protecting ourselves from exploitation, protecting ourselves from um disrespect, protecting ourselves from, you know, taking advantage of. You can't you can't you can't a a good man does not lead with self-p protection. He leads with altruism. Right. Right. Right. Because self-p protection can make you a terrible person. People do a lot of terrible things under the guise of self-p protection. Right. But our help comes from God. M so I look to God to protect me more than I look to protect myself because even when I try to protect myself ability to protect myself is so limited in many instances that is almost not worth the effort in a sense in a sense. In a sense anyway thank you. No we really appreciate No I was I was sending you to say thank you for helping you answer the question. Okay. Okay. Fair enough. Fair enough. Um um before we before before we wrap before we wrap up I want to quickly say thank you to if you if you to everyone listening watching whatever it is if you're if you're watching and you're enjoying this please subscribe subscribe if you are the earnest way you say this thing always cuz I I mean it it always gets me if if you are no your earnestness is very earnest thank you thank you very much that that's one of the qualities of a good man earnestness yeah earnestness yeah So, so if you are so pissy if you are um if you are if you just got I said was I said it was pissy. I understand Pet I just move on. Okay. Okay. I choose to move on. Okay. Just to let you thanks to the people. If you are if you just got out of a relationship and want to be in a relationship, subscribe. If you are just got into a relationship, subscribe. Want to get into a relationship? Subscribe. Subscribe. We have emails and plenty. If you are if you just got a job, subscribe. You know, you're looking for work. Looking for work, subscribe. If you just got out of a job, but you don't know how you're going to get it, but you trust that God is good. Subscribe. If you ate a bar this morning, subscribe. If you are listening from from South Africa, the UK, oh god, uh, Mozambi, Mozambi, Jamaica, subscribe. Yes, enjoying this thing, subscribe. If you wear earrings on both ears, if you're 27, subscribe, subscribe, comment, share. If there's somebody that you feel would benefit a guy that is not uh that feels he cannot express himself emotionally, but after hearing this episode, you feel like, okay, this might help him out. So sh and that subscribe. All right, we out. All right, later. Unfiltered.