(0:00)The 9-5 Wife Trap
What we value is money and sometimes to make money you got to be ruthless. But if you're ruthless at work then you come home and all of a sudden you're not ruthless. Yeah. You you raise a man that is ambitious but self-absorbed. So in the pursuit of some goal he will abandon his family and the needs of his family. But those are the things that we desire though. And that's why I'm saying that we need to sit down and decide what we want. It's the same thing with our wives. And I say this all the time. You want a woman who is going to cook and clean and change diapers while you sit down and watch Manchester United. But at the same time, you want her to go to work and do a 9 to5 and then bring her paycheck. Are you mad? Call it work. She's she's a human being. [laughter] She's not a She's a human being. She's limited in her physical ability. And it doesn't matter if your mother did it and your aunties did it. Oh, that's their favorite excuse. Well, my mom did it, so you can do it, too. So, so you see you see my problem. I like that you're doing this because it's it's for me it's more honest because And when I say it's honest, right, it speaks to the problem. We don't realize that we are the ones creating these problems. [music] Unfiltered.
(1:03)Why we are all frustrated
Hey everyone, welcome to the PF unfiltered podcast. This is a warning that this episode contains content that is not suitable for kids. Thank you all for watching. Welcome back, guys. This is PF Unfiltered. I'm Roslin Nohow with my co-host Esther Griffin. And [laughter] you said the man himself. The man, Mr. Pastor Pf. PF, I thought you said you wanted to introduce yourself one time and I gave you the floor. Yeah, I just want to introduce [laughter] myself today. Y'all today I'm feeling Pastor is here. [laughter] I I am feeling I mean that introduced me. Pastor Femy came with so much energy tonight. No, I literally not going to lie, I looked kind of kind of came at him. She she she she came for me earlier. So we been and the reason why is because so I had
(1:54)The 7-hour chore penalty
to ask him this question and like what he thought about it because so I saw this um Instagram real where this man was doing like day 100 of learning about things that women go through in society. And that video was talking about how when a woman marries a husband like just has a man when he she marries one it adds seven more hours to her household chores just by marrying him. talk less of child care and elderly care. And I was like, that's so interesting. I'm just like, did he calculate how much more she adds to his expenses? They actually expenses. Expenses. We both working out here. [laughter]
(2:30)Who is paying for the lifestyle?
Talking about she's working too. Was he was he living in a pigsty before she came to I mean possible. Possible. [laughter] And and all of a sudden now she wants to put me in Chanel. And you was And you was enjoying the the champagne and Chanel, [laughter] right? All of a sudden she loved me. Put me in Chanel. Right. Where did you hear this? Ah, [laughter] I hear things. I hear these things. Oh my goodness. Why do women always want to be the victim? Most of the time we are. Wow. Okay. Be the victim. Yeah. Because when you say that, oh, once I get married, once you get married, it adds 7 hours of work. Cuz here's the truth. We're not I'm not saying that in terms of victim. Let me say this. Here's some of our realities, right? In terms of the way we were raised. Mhm. Okay. A lot of women were raised to not only take care of their home, but also provide for themselves. Mhm. And provide for the people around them. Men on the other hand, some men on the other hand, let me be clear. I'm not going to generalize. Some men, on the other hand, were raised to That's not true. No comment. Da da da da da da da da da. That's that's so so so that's not true. I think that society raised men,
(3:54)Society’s broken blueprint
right, to provide. Hear me? Society raised women to care, right? That is the cultural role that society has. Hear me? Traditionally, traditionally that is the that's the general path. Okay. That society has kind of laid for men and women. Okay. However, there are deviations, right? There are exceptions. So, you're going to have some men, right, who have a sense of entitlement. You're going to have some women, right, who are not very caring. Okay. Right. Mhm. But what frustrates me is that there's a general vibe. Mhm. Right. That women are just suffering because of men. But we are. There you go. So I wasn't wrong. There is a a thing. No, but that that's because it's it's a reality. Okay. I feel the lack of appreciation too. For some sometimes they feel like there's just like you're Yeah. There's something that just like you're supposed to do this like this is your role. Wait, wait, wait, wait. How about that? You're supposed to Okay, you provide. You want us to care, but then like oh you all supposed to work. Oh, you're all supposed to do this. Take care of the take care of the children. First of all, I I don't like that you're putting me in this position where I am going to start sounding like a defender of the male gender, right? I don't want to be in that position. But since you have put me here, I [laughter] will rise up to the task with my full chest. I mean, what what's going on here? But I'm not saying again, we're not saying all men. We're just saying that. We're just saying some. So this setup is intentional. The two reason, [laughter] you know, you know how you hear the the language like there's piss in the water. Like there's there's piss in the water. That's because that's been the reality reality for a lot of women. The reality for a lot of men is also that they get married and they become slaves, right? They don't do anything for themselves. All they do is work, work, work, work, work, work, work. And and and they are on their deathbed. Mhm. Right. Looking at all No. They get to a certain age and they're like, you know, all I have done all my life is work for other people. I have done nothing for myself and I'm done with it. And they go buy themselves a red sports car. Okay. Can we do this? Can we divide up the generations? Because I think that
(6:15)The generational shift
Oh, now you want to divide generations? No. Because I think it's important to No, no, no, no, no, no. We're not dividing anything. We're going to go with the framework you started with. men and women. Wait, what? His No, because I don't think it applies to everything. So, let me let me All of a sudden, it doesn't apply. Yeah. Let me retract. When you were talking about pissing in the water. No, because I think for for my parents generation, right? They were still pissing the water. However, they were raised to just That's how men are. That's what you tolerate. It is what it is. You know, don't fight with your husband. He goes outside and sleep with somebody else. Just keep quiet, you know. Not even not even you can say something but don't don't um don't leave your husband you know let it be that you know you're a woman that keeps peace in her home right okay our parents now the women now decided that I'm having daughters I don't want my daughters to go through the same thing I have accepted this but somewhere deep inside they know that what they've accepted is actually not good right so then they now have women they have I mean they have boys and girls and now the way that they raise their girls is very much so Especially my generation. Let let me speak on my generation, right? Now that we're getting married, all the things we we went to school, we got degrees, we weren't spending all that time in the kitchen, you know, traditionally the way that our parents were, they spent a lot of time in the kitchen. I was like, my mom used to cook every Sunday. Even during the week, she'll be cooking. I'm like, where's the time to do that? Right. I'm in school Monday through Friday. After school, I graduate. Um, I start college. I'm working. I mean, I said I start college. I graduate. I start work working 9 to5 there's no by the time I get home I'm tired where's the time to cook right so I think for our parents they they were raised to handle everything right so when they started having us it's like take care of the things that you need to take care of focus on those things aka focus on education focus on taking care of yourself because you don't want to depend on man because we have depended on man and they have fell our hands in a sense right so I think that's generationally I think it's different okay so So you're right. It's different from generation to generation. And you are right. Society has um treated women as the inferior partner in the relationship. And that is problematic, extremely problematic. Mhm. And it's been problematic for hundreds of years, right? And it needs to change. But evolution
(8:43)Why biology matters
is not linear, right? So what has happened is this my mother's generation Mhm. Women were raised to care for a family, right? Their education was not the priority. When I say, I'm talking about formal education in terms of college and was not a priority, so to speak. They always felt that the boy needed to be educated because the role that society laid for men was provide. Mhm. And the path of provision required education right to care did not require education. So the women in that generation were under equipped and underprepared for the marketplace. Mhm. When I talk I'm talking about um secular work. Yeah. Not trading. Trading was fine but you know going to offices and all that. So they weren't really being educated for that because the role that society the path that society had envisioned for them was in the home. You don't need a degree in physics, right, to look after children, right? And there's a biology also, right, that is involved in the in the thinking. Women carry children, women nurse children biologically. It's a natural flow. Yeah. Right. So that idea that women are nurturers and should nurture the home, the family stems not from the wickedness of men or the desire of men to keep women suppressed. It stemmed from the natural reality of humanity. Yeah. Right. Good point. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. However, the wickedness of human beings, it became oppressive. And I get that and I agree with that. Right. But look at the structures of society. So our generation, my generation, women say cuz I'm not your generation, Peter. You're not. I apologize. Women are being educated, right? And society is opening up for women. Mhm. Right. Um they're taking on roles. They're competing with men. Right. Started in the 50s and 60s and all of that. 70s and then it's just you know it's it's growing. However, the traditional structure of the family hasn't changed. It hasn't. Right. So, and it so so the role of the the the role of women in society is changing. Right. Right. Society is opening doors to women. Right. Women are now um um have access to jobs that they didn't have access to before. They're going to school for those jobs that they didn't have before. But the biology hasn't changed. Women still carry babies. Yep. Women still have to breastfeed the baby. Yep. Yep. Right. Women have a tendency to be more nurturing. I want to say this for those that choose choose to breastfeed their kids before you guys come and sit.
(11:46)The breastfeeding debate
Listen. Listen. Breasts are not aesthetic alone. You let tell that to the people because I I don't The truth is the truth. And I'm going to say it. God gave women breast. That is why the milk doesn't come from the ears. Why we why do we behave like this, right? [snorts] And these are the things that cause problems, right? Yeah. You can choose what you do with your body. That's your problem. Yeah. That's your choice. Yeah. But this is why God gave you this body. But if you choose not to use your body to feed your child, that's fine. Yeah. Hey, I'm I don't even know if my mother breastfeed me, so I don't know. [laughter] But but you get my point. Yeah. Right. So there's a lot of contradiction and there's a lot of complexity in this thing. Right. So a guy feels helpless to some degree. Right. In the whole child wearing place. Mhm. Right. Not because he's wicked but because he has been raised to think a certain way. And biology says certain things. Do you get? My frustration in this conversation is that nobody is trying to understand how we got here, right? And making it seem as if one gender is being um intentionally diabolical, right? So the men think women want to keep them slaves to put them in Chanel, right? Forgetting we don't. I'm sorry. I said, but we don't. Yes, you do. I don't care for Chanel. I want a soft bl. Please speak for yourself. Thank you for Thank you for the honesty. Okay. Okay. But that's two different That's two different women. Oh, really? Two different women. If she wants Chanel, that's great. Okay. If I want Chanel, that's great. But I don't care about Chanel. Chanel was the last thing on my list. I love I love that. I love that. But why why is it that why is it why is it that it is easier for you right be to separate to separate to to to to look at the individual when it comes to women but when it comes to men you generalize everything I didn't generalize everything you did you've been generalizing all living [laughter] let me finish let me finish let me sorry sorry [laughter] let me let me quickly finish please before let me just quickly finish and then I'll let the ladies talk before They dragged me on social media. [laughter] See, when you we approach this thing as
(14:13)Raising kids out of bitterness
people being diabolical as opposed to people needing education. Mhm. Right. And society needing to come together and achieving that. A lot of girls were raised out of their mother's frustration. Mhm. Right. Yeah. They had experiences with some men and they raised their kids like when you say to a girl never depend on a man right it is because you have struggled in your dependence on a man and you think it is because you've depended on him that he's done certain things right so I don't want you to suffer like I suffered so make sure that you are able to make money for yourself right and what that does is that you creates a mentality that is inherent ly antagonistic, right? And defensive, right? You're already under, how do I put, you're already threatened before you ever met any threat cuz you're trying to protect your own. You're trying to protect yourself even before you've been threatened. Yeah. So, you enter into a relationship and you already have a chip on your shoulder. Mhm. Right. It's it's going to be a problem. How about we all sit down and say, "Okay, you know what? The boys need to know some things, but the girls also need to know some things." Mhm. As opposed to dealing with each other in silos, right? And talking about each other like we are all, you know, the women are Jezebel's twin and the men are just the devil's um um um protege, right? It's not as simple as as it's not black and white. There's a lot of shades of gray and I get frustrated when we talk about it in these simplistic terms, right? That men are this or women are that is never that simple. There's an education deficiency. I think there is, but I think a lot of women have done the work. Okay. So, I feel like you're trying to trigger me. No, I agree with you. What's the work you've done? Okay. So, let let's look at it this way, right? We went to therapy. [laughter] Wait, Jamie, this is a counselor here. Mhm. I've been to therapy. Wait, so this is But not a lot of men, they don't even want to go to the doctor, their annual exam. What do you think they're going to go to therapy for? This is what I was saying about this anti-general. [laughter] Wait, wait, wait. That came from I came from a man from say that recently. He went to the doctor and the men were telling him I'm not doing that. Uh I I just work out at 15 and that's enough. So if they came to go to a regular doctor, who are they going to therapy for? I love I love I love what you what you have said, right? I love what our producer said, right? Who has defined who when a man cries? Sorry. Our producer said that a a black man went to a doctor and he said that hey guys I just came from an annual examination guys go to see a doctor and a lot of men are like I don't need to go to a doctor just work out and stuff like that. So, so, so, so just to give context, when a man cries, when a man cries, right? How many women are like, "Oh." Or how many are like, "Well, you know, some of the cries are cringey." So, there you go. That again there's if a man said that if a man said a woman crying was cringy. You talking about like a random man or like you see that's the you No, [laughter] you're not. No, you're not. No, you're not. JK JK. No, you're not. No, you're not. There you This is what I'm talking about. This is what I'm talking about. We We want to eat our cake and have it. We want our men to be strong, right? We want Yes, we do. Yes, we do. Because you just used the word cringey to describe a man cringey to describe a man expressing an emotion. Right. No, because there's a selectiveness in this thing. I want you to express your emotion when we're talking about how much you love me and how much you just want to be with me and how you adore me. You want me to explain when I when I when when I go out to work and I have been trashed and I have been belittled and dismissed and I am so wounded in my soul and I break down in tears from the pain of it. You don't want to see that. I do. I want to see this. I Well, I have. I've seen it and I've consoled my person and you I cons Why do you call it cringy? I didn't call it You're cringing. Esther said it, not me. Yes. I didn't say it. [laughter] So, you coming after me? No, I'm not me. [laughter] It was Esther. I didn't say that. I'm I would never play the devil's advocate, but there's no but I'm never playing his advocate. I just want to say that to be fair, I am a married woman and when my husband has come home or I feel like, you know, he's getting to the point of tears, I am there to come. There's a different experience that I have with him and I do um support him. There's no there's no I don't want to see him cry, right? But if he comes, then there's a place there's a place for him to lay. What is what is society's what is society's position, right? He hear me. What is societ I don't want us to go into our personal things. I know you guys, but what is society's position on what a strong man is and what a weak man is? The president of the United States of America. Calm down. One of some big big role. Wait wait wait wait [laughter] wait. The president of United America won the elections. Okay. Partly on the premise that he's a strong man. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Right. M and the posture right of a strong man are taught is desirable to women right and this is what a strong man is he doesn't talk too much right but our president but he talks a lot calm down he's he's he's he's wait tough things yeah [snorts] he can he does he does tough things he's the one that you know when there's a roach in the house he he he stomps it right he's tough he's He's he's he's not easily offended. I'm just I'm not talking about crazy. I'm talking about the strong man. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I agree. Right. So So we we've created this image of what a strong man is. Yeah. Right. He's got this thick shell. He's not sensitive, you know. He can take slight, you know. He he's he's just thick skinned. He can handle the weight of the world. Yes. He's 6'2 and he's But that's so delusional. [clears throat] That's so delusional. It's wait. Hear me. Hear me. So, so we have created this image and we have said to the men this is what a strong man is and this strong man is desirable and we use words like provide and protect which are strong words right you can't have it both ways and say to that strong man but it's okay for you to cry you can't because those men they don't cry right when we teach a boy that crying is a weakness right and then we get mad when He gets married and he doesn't know how to cry. Mhm. He's been taught all his life that this is a weakness and and it is an undesirable weakness. Right. We we've even taught him Mhm. that cooking is a weakness. Baking is a weakness. We we we've taught these kids all of this and some of the teachings were done by the same people who said you should go and get your money so that no man would treat you some type of way. They are the same women who who would not let their sons in the kitchen. Correct. So who are we blaming? But now those things have So what we're saying now is that we've seen that those things are wrong. Yeah. There's a generation that is aware that what we have been taught was bad teaching and now was it bad? It wasn't bad. We have changed. We we want different things. It has reared us in the wrong direction. All of us you guys you guys it's not fair. Listen, that man, that strong man, that strong man that our mothers were raising, right? They were raising their sons the way they saw their mothers raised their brothers, right? And they raised their sons the way men have served different roles in society over time. Mhm. Right. In the days when villages were fighting each other and people were there were no guns, have you guys ever shot a gun? Yeah. Okay. So you can you can you can shoot somebody from a distance. Mhm. Right. And pull a trigger. Somebody falls god knows how many yards away. There was a time when there were no guns. You killed people with knives. Mhm. Or you bludgeon them to death. It required a level of detachment. Right. And they raised men for that. Right. Because that was what the men were going to do. Correct. Right. Then it was farming. They raised men for farming. Mhm. Right. Now we've gotten to this place. Mhm. right? Where um we're in the workplace with men. Are we raising men for that? Even if we're not, so we're not we're not we're not saying that those things don't exist. My problem my problem is that we're not treating it as a systemic education issue. Well, let me rephrase that. Now, now they are. Now they are. Now the boys are learning a lot of things. They are learning to be comfortable with their emotions and to be in touch with their feminine side and all of that stuff. now right the so the 10 11 12 13 14 18 year olds they're getting there right so society is is is transitioning right but I get frustrated when we talk about it as if there is a deficiency in the individuals right when we say it is bad this is what we produced if we need to change the assembly line let's change the assembly line don't look at the product right and blame the product for your for your input. Mhm. Right. That's my problem. How does the woman who raised you to get a job so you don't have to depend on another man? Then you raise your brothers Mhm. to never enter a kitchen. Whose fault is it? You know, No, it's the women's fault. But okay, it's the women's fault. So where the where's the dad? Where's the dad? Dada. What d? Where's the f where? Where's the daddy? The daddy was busy working unless we want mother to raise. So this is where we come back to it. He was he was on the farm. He was at war. Let me get this point out. This is important, right? This is I I want to provide some clarity to this. Meanwhile, guys, I'm just talking. I'll talk some after now. But I once I got [laughter] I once I was listening to here we come to a point where we're all now becoming aware because of social media because of the internet you know there's a lot of information that are we're sharing information so we're understanding okay this is how a lot of men were raised this is how a lot of women were raised we need to some changes need to happen so we see a lot of women now that have because of how they were raised they were raised now be proactive and figure out what is the solution to this problem my my frustration is you use positive words when you're talking about women. And then when it comes to men, you use this negative characteristic. So you're saying women are proactive, but men are deficient. It's not that they're not def it's not that I didn't say deficient. I haven't got there yet. They're not deficient. It's what it is is that it's almost like you're lacking initiative to take time to learn about the things we feel like you should learn about within relationships. I'm so sorry that So, how do you how do you say somebody's lacking initiative? How is that how is that a positive or how is that benign? If I say you lack initiative, that's a that's that is a derogatory statement about you. You lack initiative to do something. You're basically telling me that I do not have the mental gumption, right? So, so this this is the thing. This is why it's become it becomes adversarial rather than collaborative. Okay. Right. Yes. It's become adversarial because and and seriously now, right? As long as we keep approaching this issue from an adversarial perspective, right, we're not going to resolve it, right? We have to approach it from a collaborative perspective. Women and men have to live in this world together, right? We have to live in this world in certain constructs together. Yeah. Right. We need to decide, right, what exactly it is we're trying to achieve cuz we need to do it together. And I completely agree. So let's say as me as a Christian woman, right, I want to be in a godly marriage. I want to submit to my husband, right? And as I want to do that, it's kind of scary because like when it comes to submission, I'm basically having to trust this. I have to let go of control. That me growing up saying that you take care of yourself. I have to let go of that control and submit to a husband and know that he has the best interest for our lives together. That we know that okay this is my partner. He sees me as a human being. He sees me as a partner too, right? A lot of again it's just kind of like what's the solution? Because at this point when somebody says oh submit submit it's like submit to what right? Who am I submitting to? Because are you somebody I can I can trust. No, that that's an awesome question and this what I'll tell you right and this is serious now. The Bible says submit unto your husbands as unto the Lord. Your husband is proxy for the Lord. Your faith is not in your husband. Your faith is in the Lord. Right? You submit to your husband on the idea that if God asks you to submit to him, then God is going to take care of you. Right? That's number one. The things that make a man a leader are not necessarily the things that some of us are looking for in a man. Can you elaborate on that? What are the Okay. I am a leader not because I earn six figures. Okay. Okay. Right. Mhm. I'm a leader because I have vision. Right. Okay. Vision. Yes. I have empathy. Mhm. Yes. Right. Mhm. I have compassion. Okay. Right. Mhm. I have a character that is selfless. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I'm not a leader because I'm 6'2. [clears throat] [laughter] Our producer is very tall. I am not a leader because of my height. Mhm. I'm not a leader because of my formal education. My accent doesn't make me a leader. Mhm. Mhm. Right. But these are some of the things, right, that we select our mates on. Okay. Right. Yes. And then you meet somebody who was not raised to be a leader. Cuz I don't believe leaders are born. I believe leaders are raised. Mhm. Was not raised to be a leader. Right. And was not raised to be compassionate. Was not raised to have empathy. Right. But he's, you know, and and those are some of the things that you need to be rich. But that's what we're complaining about. Calm down. Calm down. Calm down. Sorry. I I'm sorry that sound, you know, as I said it now, it sounded a bit sorry weird to me. I apologize. I wasn't trying to be dismissive or anything if if it sounded that way. And if you use a clip, please use the clip of where I apologize [laughter] because I mean, so [clears throat] so so this is what I'm saying, right? If we are looking for these kinds of men, if we prioritize these kinds of men, the ones that have empathy, the ones that have that set vision and communicate vision, right? As opposed to the ones that are a certain height, have a certain amount of money in their bank account, you know, dress a certain way and all of those things. If we emphasize those qualities of a leader, right, as opposed to random things, yeah, you will find out that our relationships would be a lot more successful and and those qualities become desirable, right? It's like it's like if I have I have two dogs, right? Um they're standard poodles, right? But there was a season in America where the desired dog breed was a golden poodle and it was a golden doodle. Doodle. Okay. Yeah. Right. Was a doodle. Those are the cute little dogs with the with the fluff. Right. Right. And they had to be a certain shade of brown. [snorts] They call it red. They had to be red. Right. So they were raising dogs for that color because that was the desirable color. Right. There was a time in human history where farming was the occupation of most families. So they had a lot of children to help on the farm. When we elevate certain qualities in humanity, right, we start to raise our children for those qualities, right? When we elevate material acquisition, right, a man that has money is more desirable than a man that is a visionary. A man that has that is tough is more desirable than a man that is that has empathy. Mhm. Right. Then we raise our children to be tough. raise our children to be to be uh uh uh um um to be cutthroat because what we value is money and sometimes to make money you got to be ruthless. Mhm. Right. But if you're ruthless at work then you come home and all of a sudden you're not ruthless. Right. Yeah. You you raise a man that is ambitious but self-absorbed. So in the pursuit of some goal, he will abandon his family and the needs of his family. But those are the things that we desire though. And that's why I'm saying that we need to sit down and decide what we want. It's the same thing with our wives. And I say this all the time. You want a woman who is going to cook and clean and change diapers while you sit down and watch Manchester United, right? But at the same time, you want her to go to work and do a 9 to5 and then bring her paycheck. Are you mad? Call it work. She's a human being. [laughter] She's not a She's a human being. She's limited in her physical ability. And it doesn't matter if your mother did it and your aunties did it. Oh, that's their favorite excuse. Well, my mom did it, so you can do it, too. So, so you see you see my problem. It's triggering. I didn't mean to trigger you. I just No, no, but but I like that you're doing this because it's it's for me it's more honest, right? Because, and when I say honest, right, it speaks to the problem, right? We don't realize that we are the ones creating this problems, right? And we think the individual is choosing to be who he is as opposed to who we raised him to be. Train a child in the way that he should go. If you've got a problem with the husband, go and look at their upbringing. If you've got a problem with wives, go and look at the upbringing. Right? We're not raising women. We're raising women to be um to be career women. Mhm. But we're putting them in this domestic situation, right? Where they have to be career women plus fulltime housewives. housewives, right? So, there's a contradiction in our goals. We need to all sit down and say, "Do you know what? I'm going to raise my daughter, right? To be a mother, but also to reach for the stars." Mhm. Those things are intention. You can't do both at the same time. No, there has to be some framework, right? Because if I'm raising my daughter that way, then how am I raising my son to be a master of the universe, right? You just say we're not we're not talking about those things. Instead, we're busy getting frustrated at the guys who won't cry and frustrated at the women who want to you to put them in Chanel, but at the same time, they are earning more than you. Yeah, we are producing this. It's like I keep talking about my country. I I come from Nigeria. You haven't been able to descend from my accent. We say our leaders are this. know our leaders come from us. We raise these people. If we don't like the people that lead us, let's go and look at how we raise people. If we don't like the men, let's talk about who is raising them. Who's raising them? They're being raised by our mothers. They're being raised by our fathers. And my generation, most of it was our mothers because our fathers were going to work. So you basically have to break the cycle of like I'm going to teach well like you said I think it takes like a long time you have to teach your see you can turn a boat a ko you can turn it in a minute a craft carrier takes hours maybe even days to turn right I I I I I I understand the frustration right what I get frustrated about is that we think that this guy or this woman is the problem. It's the upbringing that's the problem. Train a child in the way that he should go. If we see a systemic uh if we see if we see um um traits across the board, right? Then let's let's go to the root of the problem. You say you know I don't know you've seen 300 the story of Sparta Leonidis and and and and the war and all of that stuff. They raised their children to be warriors. They raised their men to be warriors, right? And they were warriors and they were not afraid to die. M I'm telling you the men of today were raised by our mothers. Period. They raised them. The women of today they were raised by our mothers. Yeah. They set up this conflict without realizing they were setting up conflict. Mhm. Right. We need to do better. But we're not going to do better if we keep thinking is this individual. So what do we do now? What are the what what are our next steps? What do we want? What's our goal? What does the Bible say? The Bible is our framework. Mhm. So, I'll tell you this. Uh, I didn't raise I I I have daughters. I didn't have any um biological sons, right? My daughters were raised first of all to be good people, not housewives. Good people, empathetic people, right? Kind, generous people, honest people. That's what I raised them to be, right? They have skills in the kitchen, but they can find their way around effectively on a computer. Mhm. Right. They have both of them. Interestingly, um the first one is a lawyer, is an attorney in in Philadelphia. The second one is um a three 300 level law student, right? She's graduating law school. So, they're both going to the second one going to be an attorney as well. So, they can they can function. Yeah. Right. in in in in the market as we as we as we articulate it. But they can function at home wherever they find themselves, right? They have been raised to be good people, right? They have been raised not to think that anybody was created to put them in Chanel. No, you are not entitled to to to Yes. But they've also been raised not to think that anybody's entitled to treat them like a slave. Mhm. Right. That is what I think I think we should do. Raise good Christian people, right? Giving them skills, right, across the board. Yeah. But don't poison their minds with don't let any man treat you like this, so get your own or don't let any woman use you for Chanel. Right. We we we the conversation is toxic and toxic only produces more toxic. Yeah. It doesn't produce anything. And that's why I'm I'm jumping on baby all evening because we've got into this patterns of using language not knowing that not realizing that language frames the attitude. Yeah. Right. When you say somebody lacks initiative, right? I can't hear that in a positive way. I see that as a derogatory. I see it as an insult. I'm also not good with my words. So, you know, we learning. Is he issult [laughter] you can't hide behind walls. The point I'm trying to make is this. Ah the point the point I'm trying to make is this right? We need to be collaborative and say what do we want? What kind of children we want? Bible says where there's no vision people cast off with strength. What is the vision for our society? Yeah. And let's raise our children accordingly. I don't think women like I said I have two daughters. I don't think my daughters because they are they have a womb and they have breasts they should become you know they should be tied to a a stove and and for no I I absolutely don't I I do have this question right when le let's think about uh a married couple when women because there seasons right everybody cannot [clears throat] have everything in every season right I think women find it very difficult when yes they've they are go-getters they're doing all things, but then when they get married, they start to have kids. They want [clears throat] to be in a position where when I'm having kids, my I my life is still supported. And I think a lot of women don't have that support when they need that support. And they not only see that, they not only see the true colors of that in those seasons, but they see traits of that in the beginning, which is why they're having issues of, you know, trust and Right. So So again, it's kind of scary to be honest. Again, right? Yeah. When you are choosing the person you're going to have children for, what kind of person are you choosing? Right? If you choose a man who is ambitious, right, and he's all about making money, for example, do you think he's going to pause, right, when you have kids, right? He's driven by forces that have nothing to do with how many children he has, if there's enough money at that stage. Mhm. Right. Yeah. he'll throw money at it, but if there's no money at that stage, I promise you, he's not going to stop building because now he has children. So, you got what you wanted. You just didn't realize this is how it's going to play out. But then you meet a man who's who's compassionate, who's kind, who's generous, right? Who will be there with you and change the diapers with you. Yeah. And support you. But no, that's not what we want. We want the one that can make money. But we don't realize that we're going to have children before he makes the money. Then what do you do? Do you get my point? And those are the things that we shouldn't have two different kinds of men. You know, we shouldn't have generous men and overly ambitious men. All the men, if we agree as a society, that is how we're going to raise our children. That will be the prevailing trait, right? Kindness, not cutthroatness, not ambition. You know when they talk about ambitious men, if you're not ambitious, you want to be a master of the universe. We talk about like you you have collo you have no you have no thoughts. You are NFA. Okay. No future ambition. The one that has future ambition, he's not there because society is judging him by what wrong of the ladder he's on. So he's trying to get to the top of the ladder faster than he's trying to be a good husband. It's the same thing, right? You marry a woman who she's just here to to to just have children. She's been told all her life. A woman's role is to be a housewife and just stay at home. But then your mortgage is killing you. And you want her to get up and go to work. Oh, you didn't know that when you were marry her that you wanted a a career woman. Now you wanted a career woman. You know, we we we we we make choices, right? And we don't like the results of our choices. We had an argument. We were having this conversation earlier about um about attraction and how a person looks. Mhm. Right. No, it wasn't attraction, how a person looks, and I was saying that when you are married to somebody, how they look eh? Hey, it it it [clears throat] matters so little. Oh, no. Wait, what? Let me explain. Let me explain. Let me explain what I mean. Let me explain. Let me explain. Let me explain what I mean. I thought we were together. P. No, no, no, [laughter] no, no. Let me explain. Let me explain what I mean. How many times do you think you wake up in the morning, right? And the bills have not been paid and you're thinking, "My god, he's handsome." [laughter] Never. I wouldn't know. [laughter] And that's the point I'm trying to make. Oh, oh, oh. You know, pop, he slapped me, but he's handsome. Hey, [laughter] you see what I'm trying to say? We're having we're having an argument and he's like, "Oh, you're a woman. What do you know?" Oh, but he's so handsome. It it's it's it's it matters. You immediately get the ache. It like besides how cute he is, you just be like, "Yeah, you find out that in in real terms, right?" Hh. And you say, "I can't I can't sleep with a man that I'm not attracted to." When you are overating, you will sleep with him. CL [laughter] What are you talking about? We need I'm sorry. I mean, my problem is Well, it's unfiltered, right? It is. [laughter] When you don't care whether he looks a type of way or he doesn't look a type of way. [laughter] Um, here's the truth. You [laughter] can you can flick. You [clears throat] can you can Esa, you a married woman? Let me tell [laughter] you, I'm mad but o come. Okay, let's move on because our producer is is an SU is getting uncomfortable with this. But but the point I'm trying to make guys is that this thing is is is complex and we need to talk about it with the complexity recognizing the complexity not with this quick men are women are why are men like that's my pro that's my frustration the the the the substance of your argument I I agree with there's a problem right with men but I'm saying the problem is not individual choice It is an upbringing and there is a problem with women. A serious problem with women too. And the problem is not the individual woman, it's upbringing, right? As long as we keep focusing on individual, we will never address the way we raise children. Yeah. Nigeria will never get better if we keep focusing on the individual leader. I say, "Oh, this one is a thief." All of them are thieves. I said it. Well, we need to go and look at how we raise children. Sorry. and I can wrap it up here. I completely agree with you and you agree with me. So with that, [laughter] I see we'll continue after we continue offline off air. Yes. And also continue in the comments below. Do not stop here. The conversation doesn't stop here. We always we always read y'all's um comments. So comment down below if you have questions. Women answer them down. I mean say them down. Men, please listen as well. Why? Why you emphasize? Why you Why have you have to Why do you have to frame it like that? Men, listen as well. Let me fit it. No, because you already framed it. That was problematic. I was saying change your framing. Men and women, please listen to the video. Yes. Do not defend. Do not argue. Just listen and have a Christian good dialogue. [laughter] Esther says she wants all the smoke. That's the That's the DC in you. What? That's the DC girl in you, Esa. Well, no. Bye. Like, comment, share, subscribe, and thank you guys so much for being part of the PF unfiltered fam. See you guys later. Bye bye. [music] Unfiltered.