(0:00)You Don't Owe Anyone An Explanation
I don't think you owe anybody anything, right? But I do think you get what you put in. So if you don't give me an explanation because you don't owe me an explanation, then don't be pissed if I react to your You know what I'm saying? So in the same way that you're entitled to your no, I'm entitled to a reaction to your no. But if you do me the cutsy of having a conversation with me Mhm. then I can empathize with your no rather than resent your no. Yeah. Right. But we don't want to do that. One just say no and everybody just accept it. Unfiltered. Welcome back everyone. Welcome to PF unfiltered. I am Roslin and Noa with my wonderful host Esther Griffin. Hello. And we have the PF. The PF. IF the PF. Pass the family in the building. Okay. [Music] Wow, man. You guys, every day you come up with something new. I mean, Tun is not here today, so you're stuck with us. I've never said this, but I miss Tun. Wow. PF, that hurt my feelings. That's what I said. But no, like to be honest, I'm actually really excited about today's topic.
(1:21)Defining Boundaries: It's Not What You Think
Yeah. It's something that I'm still learning on and it's like about boundaries. Oh, my favorite word. Your favorite word. Yeah, I love boundaries. Do you have good boundaries? Facify me. I don't I I I So I realize that I know I sound like a comedian sometimes, right, on this show, but I I have a problem with the way we use a lot of words, right? And and my problem because the way we use them, they're open to be misinterpreted. Okay. And in real terms, people are misinterpreting what those things mean. M. So when you talk about boundaries, I'm curious to know what you mean by boundaries. You know, more like, you know, Jesus says, "Let your yes be yes and your no be no." Okay. That's a that's that's Is that a boundary? Well, or just a character trait. They're like guards. They're like That's integrity. Yeah. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Yeah. Those can those are can be those can be boundaries. Okay. See, this is what I'm saying about the meaning of words. Yeah. When when you say boundaries, I'm not thinking let your be no be. What are you thinking? I'm curious. I'm thinking about, you know, things that are created to keep people out of certain places. Okay. Or keep people in or keep people in. Yeah. It's exclus ex exclusionary. M. So, who you keeping out? Be I ain't keeping nobody out. Shoot. Everybody call me sign. I love everybody. But what about like So, I used to like
(2:43)Why You Actually Struggle to Say No
have a really problem with saying no to things. I feel guilty. So like what would you say to somebody that saying like saying no doesn't really mean that you're unspiritual or like you should feel guilty. It's like you know that's creating like hey I can't I can't do that or like no. Why why why would you want to say no? What are you saying? Yeah. What are they saying no to? What are they saying no to? I'm not just going to teach somebody how to say no blanket. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There has to be like okay what are you saying no to? What are you saying yes to that you should be saying no to? So in this context, maybe for example, there will be times where like I'm really stretched sin in a day and I'm trying to like please everyone and be there for them. Like let's say my friends has an event going on in the morning and then there's another event that I'm double booked and I'm like oh yeah I think I can be there maybe I I I'll let you know. But it's just like hey I can't be there. Like having saying that a boundary issue that's a people
(3:33)People Pleasing vs. Lack of Confidence
pleasing issue and it goes deeper than just telling somebody you should have boundaries right? I'm so I need to please everybody cuz I'm so insecure and so afraid. So then how do you put in the how do you put boundaries in place to make sure that you're not crossing those people like you're not people pleasing like what are some good guidelines or guide roads you can have? Okay. So tell someone to just say no. Yeah. Right. Doesn't do anything. Right. Mhm. Getting them to have confidence in themselves. Yeah. That's the solution. Right. Okay. Do you have enough confidence in yourself to not take on more than you can handle? Right. Because people who say yes to everything, they don't do it because they're stupid, right? They do it because they they feel like if I say no to you, you're going to be hurt by it and you may not be my friend anymore, right? That's why they do it. It's not because they can't say no. It's because they don't want to say no. Right? We say no all the time to what we don't like all the time. So it's not that we can't. It's that we choose not to because of what we fear are the consequences of our no. Right? Mhm. So when we talk about boundaries, boundaries in my opinion is just say yes, say no to this, say no to that. I say no to things all the time. If somebody offered me avocado, I would say no in a heartbeat. Yeah. Right. If somebody, you know, tried to uh uh um asked you for, you know, the zobo for free, you'd be like, "No, I I work hard for that." Yeah. Right. But when we worry that, oh, if I say no to you, you won't be my friend anymore. If I say no to you, you won't come to my party next week. If I say no to you, you won't take my calls anymore. Then I don't say no. So somebody telling me how to say no doesn't really help me. What they need to do is teach me how to see myself as somebody who is worthy of sleep. Hm. It's interesting because I when it comes to boundaries, I have boundaries, but I don't know really know how to define those boundaries in that when I think about boundaries or like the concept of having boundaries. No scenario is the no scenario is the same. No context is the same. Right? So I might say yes to some to I might yes I might say yes to someone for for the for the same thing I might say no to another person too.
(5:47)Context is Everything: When to Say Yes
Right. Right. So, an example of that would be um if I have a friend coming in town that has never been to Dallas before, and I know that they're coming, I might sacrifice my sleep and wake up very, very early in the morning to go and pick that person up, right? But there might be a completely different person that is still my friend. and they've come to Dallas many many times and um they asking me to come and pick them up in the morning and they know that they know my they know the context of my life the things that I have going on I might say no right and so for me it's like the boundary would be you you know the context of my life and you are asking me to make that sacrifice and you wouldn't necessarily make that sacrifice I guess I would say I think it would be okay for me to like this is boundary that I'm not crossing and I don't okay so two things can be true there in that scenario right so so this is what I feel right it is not my responsibility as a person right to figure out all of your issues my responsibility is to ask you for what I want right and when I ask you have a responsibility to look at your issues and make a decision right and I think most human beings are able to assess their circumstances I haven't slept in 2 is I don't need to waking up at 5:00 a.m. to drive 45 minutes to the airport. Yeah. Right. But the reason why we do it is not because the other person cannot get an Uber. Mhm. It's because we don't want to hurt their feelings. Right. Right. And why don't you want to hurt their feelings? Why is how they feel right more important than your sleep? Right. Again, for me it comes down to a self-esteem issue, right? But people miss the point when they focus on boundaries. Boundaries. Say no. just saying no. Yeah. You don't you're not addressing the fear that is behind my constantly saying yes. Right. Something that um cuz I my mentor taught me this and this is something that I just learned cuz I'm still working on creating my own boundaries. But she said that you can't control other people but you can only control your emotions and your action and how you react to things. So when I think of creating like a boundary it's like okay what can what is in my control and everything that happens outside of it it's not my concern like I really can't right but every time you have not you have let somebody break do something that is detrimental to you right ask yourself what drives it because what your mentor told you is is good but it will not work because the underlying issue is not addressed right when we let people do things to us, take things from us, right, that are detrimental to us. There's a reason for it. It's not because we don't know it's detrimental, right? It's not because, you know, we we don't know how much it's going to cost us. It's because we're more afraid of how they will react or how we will look than the thing that it costs us. So, you ask
(8:47)The Root Cause of Your Financial Stress
me for 50 bucks, I can't afford it, so I'm going to put it on a credit card because I'm more afraid of what you think of me than of being in debt. Yeah. M. So, somebody telling me, "Don't put anything on your credit card. It's not right." You think I'm stupid? I know it's not right. I know I can't afford it. I know that if I don't give you that $50, the world will not end. Yep. But I cannot afford to take the chance that you will not talk to me anymore. So, this is a a good example of something. Okay. So let's say um like when people come to the house to come and do among like when moms come to the house to take care of you know like you as a grandfather that you want to give candy to all the grandkids crossing a boundary when kids may not necessarily like when the parents may not necessarily want to give their child sugar, right? So in terms of like boundaries like that, right? How do you meet those conversations and make sure that people are clear about especially around parents and like um people being supportive? How do you make sure that those boundaries are not crossed and it's not coming off as rude or disrespectful? I I what Okay, so this is the thing, right? For me, I like to first of all identify what the issues are. Mhm.
(10:00)Handling Family Boundaries (The Candy Test)
Right. So, if I say no to my dad giving my daughter candy. Mhm. Right. It's going to upset him. But how how does it upset him? Mhm. Right. So, it makes him feel like I don't trust him. Mhm. Or it makes him feel like I don't value him. Whatever. Yeah. I'll address that in that conversation. Hey, Dad, I trust you. Mhm. I value you, but your granddaughter has an affinity for candy that is not the doctor has said is not good for her. Mhm. Right. So, I would rather you didn't give it to her. Mhm. Yeah. Maybe you can give her some something else. Fruit, some carrots. Yeah. Right. But I will address the issue. It's not just about the boundary there. There there are issues involved. Right. Now, some people don't care to do that. They just don't want you giving their kids chocolate. Yeah. Right. And they don't care why you do it. They don't care how you will feel when they tell you not to do it. So, they're just going to tell you stop. Yeah. And then the way I look at that is, well, this is one of those let the chips fall where they may. And then don't come back and complain. Right. If somebody gets upset, right? Every person in my life is a legitimate person. Yeah. With legitimate feelings, right? I also need to be able to interact with them in a truthful way. Yeah. Right. So if I don't want you doing something, I need to be able to tell you to stop it. Right. But if I care about you, I will tell you to stop it in a way that does not destroy you. Yeah. Right. But does not undermine my need for you to stop it. Do you feel like people owe people that those like over like the explanation for certain things all the time? I don't think you owe anybody anything, but I do think right, you get what you you put in. Yeah. Right. So, if you don't give me an explanation, right, cuz you don't owe me an explanation, then don't be pissed if I react to your You know what I'm saying? So, in the same way that you're entitled to your no, I'm entitled to a reaction to your no. H right. But if you do me the cutsy of having a conversation with me. Mhm. Then I can empathize with your no rather than resent your no. Yeah. Right. But we don't want to do that. One just say no and everybody just accept it. Right. And that's fine. Yeah. Right. You have the right to say no and I have a right to react to your no. Yeah. What would you say like you know us being Christians, what would you say are like core boundaries that we like every Christian should need or like uphold or
(12:45)The One Boundary Christians Must Protect
kind of I I think a Christian should not allow anybody place a limitation on your worship. Okay, that's good. Right. I think a Christian should not allow anybody place a limitation on the expressions of your worship. Right? Because worship has expressions. Yes. Yeah. Fellowship is an expression of worship. Yeah. Right. Praise is an expression of worship. Prayer is an expression of worship. Um giving is an expression of worship. Right. I don't think anybody should place a random, you know, limit on it. Right. Yeah, if I have a million dollars, nobody should tell me how much of it I can give or not give. Yeah, I have a controversial take.
(13:35)The COVID Church Controversy
Yes. Co when the government were telling churches and not to gather. Yeah. What's your perspective on that? The Bible says that we should obey the law. Right. And they were not placing a limitation on our worship. They were conducting or they were making a public health assessment. We all saw what was happening with CO. People were dying, right? I still spoke to a friend of mine who was who's an ER doctor in Atlanta and he was telling me they were admitting patients and in hours the patients were going from admitted to deceased. Jesus right so this is not this was a real thing right and what the government did they didn't say don't worship they just said if you gather to worship people will die and we have a responsibility that because people who are not even part of your worship will die as a consequence of your gathering you will spread it to other people so you go to church you catch it right and then you give it to other people who have nothing to do with your worship I think that's fair they didn't tell me not to worship they just said Don't gather in person. You know, the reason why I bring that up is because the people use the argument that don't forsake the gathering of the fellowship, right? But we do that all the time. We do that for and it's such it's so it's so it's so ridiculous the hypocrisy. We we we don't go to church cuz our children are going to football matches. The same folks, they don't go to church cuz they're going to to they're going to go, you know, watch the game. And then the government says to save lives, gather online. Yeah, we gather online all the time anyway, right? So why is it we have meetings where we're discussing billions of dollars online, right? We gather online but then we are like oh government said so like like we live in church. Yeah. Nonsense. What about like money boundaries like you know being too generous or being too stingy? There's nothing like too generous. There's nothing like too generous. The Bible says, "Sow your seed in the morning. Do not withhold your hand in the evening cuz you don't know which one will bear." The Bible says, "He who sows sparingly will also reap sparingly." Right? The Bible says, "Cast your bread upon the waters. After many days, it will return to you." You cannot be too generous. So then what? Oh, sorry. Go ahead. Cuz this is a good topic. It is. You can't be too generous. So then what about the people that like make you feel bad like, "Oh, aren't you a Christian?" Like let's say you really don't have it. Like let's say you don't have it. Like you said earlier, I don't have $50. But they make you feel bad. Like aren't you a Christian? You should be always generous. You should always give. Isn't that something like a lot I feel like a lot of people deal with especially with family. You telling them, hey, I really don't have it. But then they they start then then you then you have a problem. Because this is what I believe. If I don't have it, there's something you're going to say that is going to make me feel guilty. I don't have it. It is what it is. Unless you are saying I should go and steal. Yeah. or go and borrow. If I can borrow, you can borrow too, right? And if I can steal, you can steal, too. So, when it comes to what I don't have, we're equal. You need cuz you don't have. Yeah. I don't have, so I can't give. Mhm. How are you making me feel guilty? Seriously, like, how can you make me feel? Now, if I have it and I say, "Oh, you know, I need to get a new Porsche, so I'm sorry. I can give you money for your child who's in hospital." Oh my gosh. Somebody can make me feel guilty and I deserve to feel guilt cuz I don't need a new Porsche. Yeah. What about boundaries? And Okay. So, not necessarily boundaries, but when I think about giving, I'm like, if you're in debt, shouldn't you be trying to pay your debt? Pay the debt before you say you want to give. Like, it's like, excellent question. If you're in debt, then why are you buying new shoes? But who said they're buying new shoes? No, no, no, no, no, no. So, so are you is that person, right? Cuz you see, I I I I encounter a lot of a lot of hypocrisy and insincerity. And people are looking for scripture to justify their bad behavior, right? People are looking for the Bible to justify their um stinginess or greediness or whatever term you want to use. Yeah. Right. So, if you're like, you know, I'm trying to pay off debt. I can't give you any money. Yeah. That's fine. Mhm. But I'm trying to pay off debt. I can't give you any money. Right. Mhm. But I'm about to go buy something I don't need. Mhm. Right. Yeah. And that's your right. You can spend your money anyh how you like. But don't lie to me and say you're about to pay off debt. Just say you don't want to give me the money. And that's fine. But when you say I have I'm going to go and pay off debt and then I see you in a brand new pair of designer shoes. Yeah. Right. Second pair in two days. Brand new. M I'm going to be like ah Mhm. it was a gift. If it was a gift, then fine. But if it was not a gift, see this is my problem. This is my problem. If you are sincerely trying to pay off debt. Yeah. Right. That's fine. Mhm. But if you're using your debt as an excuse to be stingy, that's not fine. Okay. Yeah. Again, it is not my call what you do with your money. Yeah. Right. You can decide you're going to use your money to pay off debt and you can decide that while you are paying off the debt you want to buy whatever that's on you. Yeah. But don't come out right and lie to to to and use the Bible to justify your lie. Say boundaries. You're lying. It's true. I do want to ask though to kind of pivot the conversation a bit in terms of church and boundaries. How do you feel like the church in 2025 is overreaching and I guess um crossing boundaries when it comes to the people within their their body? I I'm sorry. I struggle with the idea of that. Right. Because the church should be founded on scripture. Mhm. Right. And scripture is clear what the role of the community cuz church is a community. You're right. What the role of the community is in everybody's life. What your role is in the life of the community. Right. When the church steps outside that role or you step outside that role, it's problematic, right? And what I find, yeah, is that we can't say the church, we can say individual leadersh in some churches, right? And maybe maybe the church, right, wants to so for let me give you a class example. I pastor a church, right? You guys know that your new covenant house, the fastest growing church in Dallas. Mhm. I can't believe I said it with my lips. So, so I pastor a church, right? I I I I cannot tell you what job to do, when to go to work. I cannot tell you who to marry, when to marry, where to marry, who's going to conduct your wedding. I have a lot of limitations. What about what to wear on your wedding day? I cannot tell you that. However, I can decide that I will not be at your wedding. Okay. Something you can control. Okay. Yes, I can decide. You know what? I will not attend a wedding where the people who are getting married are dressed a certain way. That's that's my right. Yeah. You have a right to wear what you want based on your belief. I have a right to decide what I want. Right. And we can have a conversation and I'm like, well, if you're going to wear that top, I can see your breasts. I don't think I want to see your breasts while I'm joining a couple. And then you decide, nah, man. I want to show off my breast. Well, I'm sure you can check your phone book if you have one. You'll find a lot of ministers who be glad to come and stay at. What about the ones where like oh because they're showing shoulders now the person is like again again again you choose you don't think that's crossing boundaries you choose you choose to go there why are you going there to cause problem because no because that that's why they have to get married they have to get married in a that's that's a them problem so so let me tell you something as long as as long as so so if I show up no if I we have you have standards you have rules that govern your life people can't walk into your living room, right, with muddy boots on. Absolutely not. Exactly. So, if I pastor a church and I say if I'm going to conduct a ceremony, right, this is how the people should dress. I have the right to do that. You don't have you don't there's no gun to your head that says I must conduct your ceremony. Go somewhere else. Go to Vegas. Pay 20 bucks. That's good. And you're done. And it's legal. M but you want to come to my house and tell me how to run my house because it's a church, right? Or because it's my living room or what? And this is these are the issues, right? Let's let's call a spade a spade, right? If we agree as an as a community that this is how we want things done. Mhm. Right. And then somebody comes in and says, "Well, I don't want to be a part of what you how you want things done." That's fine. Go to some other community. Yeah. Yeah. Now, I say this as a pastor who I don't care what people wear. Mhm. Right. I really don't. I say this as a pastor who when I conduct the pre-wedding meetings, I say to people, I really don't care about a lot of things. These are the five things I care about. But how you execute on them is your problem. Mhm. I want worship. Mhm. I don't care if you do a hymn. I don't care if you have a brass band. I don't care if you have a violinist. I don't care if you have a full orchestra. I don't care if you have 200 praise and worship singers. Yeah. I haven't go as far as telling you I can preach for five minutes and I can preach for 45. I I make a joke. Mhm. I tell people that any sermon that I preach at your wedding that goes over 20 minutes, I'm going to make you pay me. Right. Because 20 minutes is easy. Anything else is work. Yeah. Right. So I I I go into a wedding meeting help with the goal of helping you implement your vision. That's me. I don't come in with any preconceived you have to wear blue, you have to wear green or whatever. I I I I have a I don't do it. However, however, there's no gun to your head that says, right, if you are if you encounter an organization that says this is how we want things done. Mhm. You can leave. Yeah. So, I don't know what the boundary is. If they ask you for what you don't want to give, go somewhere else. Yeah. Speaking of that, this episode is sponsored by Barrow Avenue Bakery. Yes, Barrow Avenue. Big Barrow, not the little one. Where your bread is succulent, it's soft, your cakes are fluffy, it's sweet. Succulent. That's a problem. Very very sweet. Very very lux luxury. Yes. Yes. I If you want some discount, use PF 10. 10% off. 10% off. 10% link is in the description by the way. PF What's the promo code? PF10. PF10. PF10. Barrow Avenue breaker. Barlavvenue.com. Oh, sorry. Avenue barrowavvenue.com. Yes. Also, if you do want to be a sponsor um of our podcast, you can go to um you can email us at sponsors pfiltered.com um and we'll be able to work with you. Yeah. Back to the conversation. So to kind of pivot the conversation, I want to talk about blackmailing boundaries. Okay. Now, black what? Blackmailing. This is in play about this. Blackmailing boundaries. Yeah. Yeah. That's illegal. You know, go to jail for blackmailing people. Yeah. But it's kind of like let's say for example someone like demanding instant access to your limits or your body you know trying to be like hey we're in a relationship like why can't why can't I you know drive the car that they like to be saying test it out we're in a relationship what's wrong so they blackmail you saying like if I'm your boyfriend D or what's another example of a blackmailing I'm thinking Um, I think that's a good example. Um, or real Christians wouldn't say no. Real Christians wouldn't say no. That's a good one. Yeah. I I I I honestly our producer wants to choke. Don't choke. So So this one this this is this is this is again right. I can tell you to how to say no. Yeah. Yeah. But really the reason why you are blackmailable is because you feel vulnerable, right? Can you say that again? The reason why you are blackmailable because you feel vulnerable, right? So you're in a relationship with a a guy. Oh, sometimes it's the other way around. And the person you're in a relationship with says, um, unless I sleep with you, right? Yeah. Then I'm not going to be with you in the Yeah, I'm not going to be in a relationship with you. Then go. That's it. And you got to have some confidence. That's that's that is the root of boundaries. Yeah. This is another thing. This is one thing that I've heard. A guy, they were a male and a um a male and a female. I know you don't like that. Uh a male and a female. They were like um getting together and they were like kissing and all the things. And eventually the girl was like, I don't want to go past a certain certain point, a certain point. But she didn't have the then boldness to be like I'm good on this. And she kind of just let him do whatever. But she was uncomfortable. She was uncomfortable. And in the end, she was like, man, I should have said no. Yeah. And it's like, okay, you allowed him, you're the one that allowed him to cross that boundary. Yeah. That you knew that you didn't want to cross. And so in that type of scenario, I would say if he would have known, maybe he would have stopped. But you never said anything because you didn't have enough confidence to say no stop or to say no. Right. And sometimes she says no, he doesn't stop. Yeah. Right. I I I think honestly I think we we we are focusing on the wrong thing in terms of boundaries. Right. We should be talking about the lack of confidence that makes people say yes to things they should say no to. Right. Cuz at the root of it, yeah, is that lack of confidence in yourself. Yeah. You know, one of our producers just said people can be manipulative and it's true they can. Yeah. Right. But seven times, eight, nine times out of 10, you know exactly what is going on. And you choose to ignore it. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes you don't. Sometimes you don't know you're being played, right? And in those times that you're being played, then you know, God will help you, right? or or or God will heal you or God will restore you, right? I I don't know what the case may be. Yeah. But when you know, right? And and particularly I don't want us to keep talking about relationships like our producers have warned us about that, right? But the truth is that a lot of people know exactly what is being asked of them and they don't want to give in, right? I know a lot of women who think I want to wait until I get married, right? But then they're going to sleep with a guy because they're afraid of losing the guy. Who's who who that's not a B they know how to say no. They say no to people who proposition them on the street all the time. Yeah. So it's not that they don't know how to say no is that they afraid to say no. So, let's teach them to have confidence in themselves and confidence in God enough to know that if I let this guy do this thing that I don't want him to do, right? Then I am the one that suffers, right? I can get another guy. God can give me another guy. But that's a faith issue, right? Yeah. It's not a boundaries issue. Yeah. Ros if some random guy on the street goes Let's go out to dinner. How do you Somebody whistle for me. No, somebody whistle for me. Do that whistle for me. Hold on. What's going on? No. Oh my god. The whistle is not coming out. No, wait. I'm such an old Sorry. I don't know how to whistle, y'all. So that I don't know how to whistle. Most people scene can whistle. Uhhuh. Oh, okay. Is that you? That was not me. That was not me. That was not the whistle. That's so a guy whistles at you on the street and says, "Yo, baby, what's up? Let's go out to eat. Fine, mama." You're like, "Leave me alone, please." Exactly. Do you have to Is there is that you need your therapist to say that? No. But then also the way that Wait, wait, wait. Do you need your therapist to say that? No. So, but you're in a relationship and the guy is like, "Hey, Rosen, baby. What's up? You know, you know you love me. You know I love you." And and and they're going to be like, "What should I do?" No. No. Yeah, but you won't say no. Do you know why? Do you know why? Cuz you're afraid you'll lose the guy, right? Or you're afraid that, oh, you've waited so long. What is fear? It's not boundaries. It's fear. So, I have a question now. How do you set boundaries? How do you set boundaries? Yeah. How do you study it? Number one, have confidence in yourself and have confidence in your God. Yeah. Number two, have confidence in yourself and have confidence in your God. Period. I don't know where this and confidence. Number three. Number three, how come? Do you know? Do you know why? Okay. Right from when we were babies, we said no. No. Big nose. We we we know how to say no. We don't say no cuz we are afraid of the consequence of no, right? And the more confidence you have in yourself and the people who who are good at saying no, they don't care what you do. What about in your workplace? Right? So an example of that would be um a manager who keeps texting or calling late at night expecting immediate responses. What about in that situation where like your job like you need your job? So go to CHP and type in how do I say no to this manager respectfully and and and do what Chad GP says. Your job is not your provider. God is your provider. Right? When you don't say no, put your health in jeopardy. Put your marriage in jeopardy because of your job. That job has become your god. H. Ooh, I need to say this to a friend. They make her work on the weekends and she's pregnant. Oh, nah. Allah. She means her job. It's good Monisha. She left Amazon for you. So, see, so she so she shouldn't complain, right? Cuz she can say no. Yeah. She has chosen not to say no. Yeah, she's chosen to because of money. Yes. Who is your provider? Yes, there are negative connotations to saying no. People are going to look at you sideways. They're going to say you're not a team player. They're going to try and make you feel bad, right? But but you're not going to let somebody walk into your house with mud on their boots simply because they're going to say you're a bad host. You're not going to do that. You'll do your best. You say, "Do you know what? I've got slippers, right? I've got house slippers. You can wear house slippers, but you're not walking into my house with these boots. I love you. I want you here. I respect you." Right? I've got house slippers as an alternative if you don't want your feet on the floor, right? But you're not walking into my house with those muddy boots. Can I give a word to somebody? Yes. Anyone that is watching that may be struggling with saying no on your job on the job. To PF's point, remember that God is your provider. M number two, I this is quite extreme, but I tend to look at it this way. Um when you leave that place, you're going to be equals with the people when you see them in real life. They cannot make or break you. Um they don't define who you are. Their opinions of you don't define who you are. You can find another job somewhere else. Um and I would say keep those things in the like just to help build up your confidence. um to know that like that job is not the end- all beall. Yeah. God can provide a better job for you, right? Um and if you need to say no, then you say no and trust that the Lord will keep you. You know, I always I always ask I always this is what I do personally. Yeah. I ask myself, what's the worst that could happen? Yeah. Right. And and I and I work game out the worst case scenario. Yeah. And eventually you get to a point where you have to answer the question, where are your eyes? Are they on God or are they on these people? Are they on public opinion? Right? And ultimately you will make a decision based on the one you either trust the most or fear the most. Right? And what I see a lot of the times is that people make the decision based on what they fear the most, not what they trust the most. Right? The the Israelites missed the promised land because they were more afraid of the giants than they had faith in God. Right. And many times what you see in a Christian who struggles with No. Yeah. Is the fear of people and the desire to please people. Yeah. As opposed to God. Yeah. Right. And and this is a problem that I had as a as a person. Right. So I know it intimately. Right. I said yes to a lot of things and I said, you know, and I overlooked a lot of things. I let people walk all over me because I was afraid that they would leave my church. So, I never called anybody out. I never said no. Even when it cost me my health, my money, right? Put a lot of strain on my marriage and my my children. Yeah. So, I know this intimately. And ultimately it came down to God said to me fe who who where are your eyes? In fact one of our producers will will testify one day he said something to me I didn't like and I said let's have a conversation. I don't like how you spoke to me. Don't do it again. Right. And I I did that knowing that he might get pissed and be like you know what? I'm out. How dare you tell me you don't like it. And there have been a few people who have done stuff to me and I've told them that was don't do that again. And they were really upset cuz they had gotten so used to walking all over me. When I said don't walk all over me again, they were like, "How dare you?" Right. So they it it goes both ways. But ultimately, right, ultimately I sleep better. I have a better relationship with the producer. Yeah. Right. Has he left? He's here. Yeah. And he laughs and identifies himself. Yeah. But but you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Yeah. Right. In fact, he brought us pizza today. He sure did. With some chicken wings. Some chicken wings. Right. So So I'm saying that sometimes, right, that fear is is is just the devil's way of keeping you in bondage. Keeping you in emotional bondage. Yeah. Right. And I like what you said, you know. Yeah. God is your provider. Amen. So I think it's time to move on to the fun part of this actually my favorite part. Everything is fun here. So much fun. But life changing. It's lifech changing. Okay. Rapid fire. Yeah. So, boundary or barrier. Okay. I'm going to say a couple questions and you just have 5 seconds to think about it and you would say that's a boundary. Four seconds. You're so kind. So generous. You know what I mean? You can't help yourself. It's too kind. All right, let's get started. First one, not sharing passwords in dating boundary or barrier. sharing passwords with your with your with your with your person. So So what kind of person? Married person or person dating? Just relationship, boyfriend, girlfriend. Oh, pause. No, marriage. Oh my gosh. I think it's it's a barrier. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Not loaning money to friends. I think that's wise. Wait, wait, wait. Let me rephrase that. I think that's wise under certain circumstances. Okay. And that's a boundary then. I I think it's well understood. There's certain circum if you have the money. Yeah. Right. And this person has a track record of being trustworthy. Why wouldn't you loan them the money? Okay. Okay. All right. No sleepovers while dating. Y'all not married yet. Boundaries or barrier? They're going to hellfire. Boundaries. What are you sleeping over? Sleeper. Sleeping. You sleep over hell. Some people be saying like I can control myself or just controller Nintendo my friend go to your house. You have a car. Drive it home. Oh, this a good one. Uber home. Oh, that's this a good one. Refuse to argue via text. Boundary or barrier. I don't know, man. It's context. Honestly, I would say that's that's a boundary I should probably uphold because tone tones get lost in text. Can I be honest with you? My wife and I have had our most fruitful arguments over text. Really? Because it's straight to the point. No, because you're not you're not you're not you're not obsessing over my expression. Right. You're not obsessing over my expression. You're and you have time to think about what you just read. Yeah. When we're talking just and I'm talking to you and my my eyes are red and bulgy. You're seeing offense where there may not be any. Yeah. Right. So again, that's why I said context. Maybe that might work cuz I feel like in our generation we'll probably overread that text like with so much tones like even emojis if emojis are in it like why would you use that? Yeah. It scatters me when I see text messages. That's what I said. That's what I said. It depends. It depends. So I I I I I usually will not have an argument over text. But I found the last few arguments my wife and I have resolved quickly over text. It didn't start over text. Okay. But we went in the same place. It was biting her and she wrote me long text and I responded with long text. And honestly, in fact, let me let me just so that's why I hesitate to say boundary boundary because you have to know the person you're dealing with. There's some folks who can't communicate, but they can type, they can they can write, they can articulate themselves, right? So, you have to know who you're communicating with and and adapt. Right. Right. Okay. Last one. Leaving a group chat that drains you. boundary or barrier. Guy, if it's draining you, tell them I'm leaving, leave, but they're going to keep adding you to the group chat. Like, why are you leaving? Why are you leaving? See, see, see, I think I think it's rude. Right. If you and a bunch of people that you know Mhm. right, agree to do something and you are like, you know, this is too much. And you just walk away. Yeah. Right. I think that's rude. Okay. M I think you can say hey guys this is much I'm leaving. Mhm. Right. And if you leave do the cut of explain to some whoever it's necessary just walk away. What about the parents group chat when they keep doing WhatsApp messages WhatsApp I told my mom I'm going to block her in our group chat. So so this is the thing right you have to be very careful from a cultural perspective right that's akin to I'm talking to you and you walk away. In my ethnic, for my ethnic group, that is the height of rudess. And if you were younger, they'd pull you back and give you a hot slap. But now that you're old, they can't slap you. But they can still feel disrespected. And if that's your goal, rock on. But if it's not, guys, this text messages, they're too much. They're too much. Be bold enough to say what you're feeling. Mhm. Yeah. But with kindness. With kindness. Yeah. Have confidence in yourself and have confidence in your God. The Bible say if your mother forsake you, the Lord will not forsake you. So, Amen. Amen. That's good. All right. Well, to just I guess to wrap it up and really just say um you know, I just want to say thank you for everyone watching this episode. Comment a boundary that you have set in that changed your life. We'll read the comments in the next episode. Yeah. And yeah, share, like, follow us on socials. I would like to hear about somebody who struggled with self-confidence and has now gained a healthy level of self-confidence and self-esteem. That's good. Yeah. Share that. Sure. And how that has helped you say no when you need to say no. Yeah. Share. And um PF, where do we follow you? Where can we find you? Uh PF unfiltered fee.io. All right. Did I just say Instagram? Click the follow, like, share. See you guys next time. Peace. Bye. Unfiltered. [Music]