(0:00)Why you're stuck in a dating loop
Human nature is designed to break rules. So once you put rules in my face, all I'm doing is planning or thinking of how to break the rules. Dating is like going to a buffet, right? Okay. And sampling every meal. Okay. Oh, I like this one. Oh, I don't like this one. I like this. I don't like this one. By the time you're done, nobody can eat the food anymore. When a kindergartener who is 5, 6, 7, 8, we're already encouraging him to buy chocolate for his girl in his class, that is a problem. when the shows he's watching on TV, one mouse is kissing another mouse. That is a problem. What I'm trying to make is these guys is that we don't realize that the problems that we have with the streets as they are called didn't start on the streets, right? What we are seeing in the streets is a manifestation of something that started way back before people became eligible for the streets. Unfiltered. Hey everybody, welcome back to PF Unfiltered. What up? What up? your co-host Esther Griffin. We have Tundday. Say my last name. Mola. Isn't that like Oh my god, that was terrible. She did the best she could. Okay. She did the best she could. Please don't. Just call him T-Max. Just call me T-Max. Call me. Yeah. Just call me ola. Oh, what? I say mola. All right, let's move on. And then we
(1:28)The 'Hot Tea' and Introductions
also have another special guest with us and I'm going allow her to introduce herself. Hi everyone. My name is Roslin and Rosyn won't be on camera, but she's going to be chipping in on some of the things. It's hot tea today. You know that that Shadrach, Mashak, and Abedo story where there were four people in the fire, but they only Yeah. This is the same. You're not able to see Roslin, but she's there. No, but uh what's his name? What's that guy's name? Um Nebuchadnezzar, he saw the fourth man in the fire. Okay. I was trying to Okay, Esther. No, because we don't want to tell we don't want to tell bad story. And we are joined. I saw him with his eyes. All right. Let's Let's move on. And then of course we have the best the most important person in the room, Mr. PF. I don't know about the most. Yeah, I thought she was going to say Jesus. Yeah, I think Jesus. Usually we usually say Jesus. Yeah, usually. Does that know I mean this podcast is about you to be fair. It is PF unfiltered. It's PF unfiltered. No no no no you and you're quite unfiltered sir. My culture. This is what they say when you put weed in somebody's pocket and call the police. That's true. That's a good point. I'm sorry. What is that again? Eigbo. I don't know what that is. Bush. Bush. Okay. Marijuana. Thank you. Marijuana. Okay. All right. Okay. Um yeah. Hi. What's up? So, this um this podcast is gonna be so good because it's about what we all like to talk about dating. I don't like to talk about Yeah, I'm about to say what we all like to talk about. Listen, this is like factual dating content and like marriage content are some of the most viral to be fair. That is a good point. um because people love to discuss, but really we we want to talk about this is because it came up it comes up a lot within our church and so we kind of want you to address it and
(3:18)Setting boundaries for the wrong reasons
it's really around having boundaries around dating. You already you already started with boundaries. Listen, because people be out here doing whatever. Yeah. Just no boundaries. What What is whatever? What What are boundaries in in loose in in loose? So I want them to be tight. Can they help me? Help me. How can I after that? I don't understand because I'm just sitting down here and I'm listening to I can't after that. Well, well, what I was thinking more also was pre-marriage, right? Dating boundaries in terms of, you know, the things you should do or not do. I heard something about the traffic light rule. I don't know. That's crazy. I don't know if this is a thing. Wait, what is that? So, there's the uh the green light, which is like holding hands, whatever. Mhm. Then there's the yellow light which is like I guess sleeping take no no um hugging or okay and then there's the red light which is going down fast. So I
(4:15)The problem with 'dos and don'ts'
feel like this this framing is already extremely problematic, right? Cuz you're already starting from a a a a failure mindset dos and don'ts, right? You you can't approach things as a Christian being led by the Holy Spirit and the first thing you want to do is make rules. M human nature is designed to break rules. So once you put rules in my face, all I'm doing is planning or thinking of how to break the rules. Now you're not saying just to clarify that premarital to Okay. Actually, let me not Sorry. Sorry. Let me relax. No, you still like you to put me in trouble. So I'm ready for you. No, no, no, no. Because I I grew up in a church that was very very vocal about premarital sex and understandably so, right? something that you should but they were very Are we talking about dating or premarital sex? Dating. Sorry. Okay. So, let's talk about dating. Sorry, let's talk about dating. How should cuz if you reduce dating to premarital sex, then all you're thinking about is dos and don'ts. Sorry. By the way, I want to make a quick disclaimer. If we do end up talking about anything in terms of like sexual relationships, you're listening to this topic. No, no, because I don't want in case you are listening to this on YouTube around just FYI, guys. that he already has a child. So again, I want to make a disclaimer in case the listeners have like kids around or they work or something, you know, cuz we have a lot of fans. This is the fastest growing podcast, etc. by some sources aka T- M publication. Right. So I'm just saying like in case you know someone's listening in a place they probably shouldn't be. Gotcha. It's like a not safe for work. Exactly. So carry on. Okay. So in terms of um b dating not boundaries, how should we date as Christian? What does that look like? Don't date anybody. Chastise yourself. Rosie, can you can you can you talk to these people because I don't understand what's going on here. So sorry. Okay. Okay. So so so so I think we need to reframe the question. Okay. Right. What we're talking about is how people proceed from being single to being married. Right. Right. That's a question, a conversation I'm open to having. Okay. Right. Dating is one way
(6:33)Dating vs. Courtship: Is there a difference?
of doing it. Okay. What's another way then? Courtship. It's another word. It's still dating. What is dating? Talking to Wait, it looks It looks like many different things. I have a problem
(6:48)The 'Buffet' analogy explained
with what you people call dating. Dating is a few people. Dating is like going to a buffet, right? Okay. And sampling every meal, right? Okay. Oh, I like this one. Oh, I don't like this one. I like this one. I don't like this one. By the time you're done, nobody can eat the food anymore. But sampling but not getting get into like premarital sex. You sampled like So, this is the problem. Okay. This So, this is the problem. Sorry. I just want to make sure. This is the problem. You you you you meet somebody and you say, "I like you. I'm thinking of marrying you. Let's go out and get to know each other." Mhm. You go on a date. I like, "I don't like you like that. Go." Then you do that with someone else. And then you do that with someone else. And then you do that with someone else. Everybody is messed up. Everybody suffers rejection. Everybody's emotionally jaded. And everybody's dealing with the next person from a place of rejection and pain and fear. Yeah. That is why the streets are the way they are. So will we call that dating? That's what that's what they call dating. And that's not what we should be doing. And that's why I use the word buffet and sampling. Every time you go and and there's already a dish there and you put your spoon in it or whatever and you bring it out, the thing is is you've contaminated someone else come eat from the same. Yeah. You've contaminated it. So So you've got a situation, right? I don't like the way this sounds, but okay. I I know. I know how it sounds and I'm sounding it like that. The way it sound I'm I'm I'm saying this deliberately, right? We have a bunch of people, male and female. Yeah. Who are operating as single people from a place of fear, right? And from a place of pain. And so we've got a mess. And the culprit is the system, the process. Yeah. Yeah. By which we're going about it. Before
(8:42)The root of modern cynicism
the advent of dating, we did not have such a jaded cynical population like we have now. Right? In the past, people got married, families would take care of the arrangements. Your son, my daughter, your daughter, my son, right? Um, kids grew up together in communities, right? They got to know each other and then they paired off, right? As a consequence of knowing each other, they went going from person to person, breaking hearts, right? Now, we go from person to person, breaking hearts, leaving a trail of tears in our wake. Yeah. And so, so a a a girl goes out on a date with a guy, and you know, um she doesn't like him, right? But they've gone out on a date. They they've said to each other, "We're checking each other out." Right? And then you reject the guy or the guy rejects the girl. Every human look, all our trauma, childhood trauma comes from a our avoidance. We're trying to avoid rejection. We live in fear of rejection. Y the fears of rejection are heightened by the dating process. So the next time you're going out on a date, right, after you've been rejected by the first person, right? What what kind of mindset do you have, right? You're you're not going on that thing with an open mind, right? You're going there with like, okay, do you know what? What mistakes did I make the last time? I'm not going to make those mistakes again, right? And I'm going to deal with you before you deal with me. What causes that? Cuz you said is this is rejection. It's the way the system. It's not really our oblig our conditioning that no no our conditioning is already has already created in us a fear of rejection okay right for many of us right a fear of emotional pain right so we built coping mechanisms around ourselves to avoid experiencing the pain of rejection the pain of abandonments the pain of whatever right we're dealing with insecurities we're dealing with self-esteem we're dealing with confidence issues Then you will get to a certain age and say well the way to cross from your newly single state to being married which is something you desire is to run over this pathway full of broken bottles and hot coals. Right? People enter it with a lot of fear and trepidation. So then how do people date then? How do we even get to the point? Do we have to date? Do we have to date? Can we can we how do we how do we cross over then? Yes. Can we do it the way they used to do it back in
(11:25)Did we date better in the past?
the good old days? Explain to us cuz we don't know. Okay. So, let me tell you what they used to do when people lived in communities. Mhm. This is one of the fallouts of the deterioration of communities. M when people lived in communities, when boys and girls grew up as part of communities, they got a chance to observe each other, to get to know each other without breaking 20 hearts first. What about when you go to college? What do you mean when you go to college? Okay, so I grew up in a community with somebody, right? We go to high school together. All is well. We I go off to college somewhere in And you get to know the person, right? You've gotten to know the person. You know this person. You know what they are like. You know their likes, their dislikes. You guys were friends. You guys went to in high school, right? And then you went to college with this person. No. No. Ah, I see. Left this person at home. So So now there So see you see where the problem starts, right? Then there's this um division college, you know, go to different colleges, right? The people you meet in college. No, but we weren't even dating in That's just leave dating. Okay. Leave the word dating. Dating implies a stepping away from the crowd to to check each other out. What about boyfriend, girlfriend? No, leave just leave that construct out. Right. Because that's the thing, right? I'm trying to say to you that the the problem is the toilet. You're saying, well, how is it going to flush? Flushing is attached to toilets. Yes. Do away with toilets. Okay. Let's find another way to deal with with a problem.
(12:57)Community-based connections vs. Isolation
No problem. Right. So when you talk about dating boyfriend and girlfriend, right, you're still stuck in the same construct, right? And I'm saying that that construct is a problem. It's a reflection of the isolation is isolationist society that we live in, right? Everybody is on his own. When we grew up and it was already getting bad in our times, right? We were in a community and you have this in church. And this is why parents sometimes do themselves a disservice by not encouraging their kids, right, to be in church. Yeah. grow up with people, right, without any romantic or sexual interest. Yeah. Where we're just two human beings, right? I will get to know you and you will get to know me. And when you get to know me and I get to know you, then we can make a choice based off of what we have observed of each other, right? We can prayerfully make a choice. We don't have to go out on dates and eat together and they say, "Well, actually, I don't like you like that." Wait, wait, wait, please. That that is what a date is. No, but I need to expand on this is where we are today as a society. So, what do we do? We don't have to accept it is my point. We don't have to accept it. We can create an alternative um um um universe for ourselves. We can say I am not going to do this. I am not going to do this. I'm going to hang out with Look, we I'm a pastor. So, we have all these groups in church. Yeah. We serve together in church, right? All the folks and and again you see this is the irony of it. The people who are complained the most are the people who are it's like they
(14:30)Are you brainwashed by the system?
are they are they have been um what's that word when you see somebody's mind has been controlled hypnotized. Oh no they've been they've been bamboozled they've been hoodwick brainwashed into accepting the very thing that causes them the most pain. Yeah. If I say I want to get to know you in the context of a friendship, right? Yeah. That is my right. Even in today's world, I I I want to have a ton of friends, right? I want to have a ton of if I'm female, I want to have a ton of male friends. If I'm male, I want to have a ton of female friends. People that I know without any, you know, any um corrupting emotion because once I start checking you out, right? or you start checking me out, right? If you do not go with me, h Yeah. I'm going to feel rejected. I have a a question. Yes, ma'am. So, you said, "I want to be friends." I have tried that friendship with guys before. They don't want to be friends. They They have other motives or they start off like, "Yeah, we can be friends." And then you start seeing their Yeah, I I I agree with you. That's part of the corrupted influence. That's part of the corruption. That is part of what we're seeing, right? Where people are so sexualized, right? Where people think only in those terms, right, that we can't really get to who you are. My my point is this. Yeah. We need a situation, right? And I don't know how possible this is. I ideally where people are I've got two two dogs, right? When you get a dog, you tell you have to socialize the dog. Mhm. You have to let it be around other dogs. Yeah. Right. And when it's around other dogs, then when it sees a dog, as it gets older, it's not it doesn't is not hostile or belligerent towards other dogs. We live in a hypersexualized world. Mhm. Right. From very young ages, our children are being indoctrinated. And it's not about the homosexual agenda, the transgender agenda. Right. Even the parents who are heterosexual don't realize that they're indoctrinating their children. right to always be thinking about sex. In what capacity? Can you elaborate on that? Our our preoccupation with romance in everything, right? With kids who are 5 6 7 8 9 10 celebrating Valentine's Day, right? What what what are they doing with it? What do they know about it? We introduce boyfriend and girlfriend into the conversation so early in it, right? Parents can't keep their hands off each other in front of their kids. Should we? No, don't get but I'm I'm wait what I'm trying to say is this what I'm trying to hear me and I'm really serious here. I'm really serious here. We introduce this thing which these kids are going to have to deal with but they are having to deal with it at a much earlier age. Innocence is being lost very early. Okay. So, you know, in the Nigerian American community, Mhm. and especially in the DMV, something that is a consensus consensus around like a lot of us that grew up there was that our parents don't show affection to one another. Yeah. So, so this see this is the problem, right? This this is the problem. My parents I never saw my parents hold hands. I never saw my parents kiss. I never saw my parents hug each other. But I never felt like they were not they didn't love each other. Again, you see this is the thing, right? We have defined affection. Mhm. Right. We have defined things in a way that we don't realize everything has impact. Right. So, Rosie just said she she tries to be friends with guys, right? And she's it's true. Very quickly, you find out that all they want to do is sleep with you. Where did that come from, right? Where where did that come from? There was a time when we were growing up, right? And and again I was not a saint but the idea of sleeping with a girl was not something that comes into your consciousness until later in the cycle than it is now. Right now it's entering the cons and where is it coming from when we were growing up and and and I don't mean to sound like an old man though I am but and and we thought we were bad. Yeah. The idea of sleeping with somebody did not come into it until you are entering high school, university and even then Yeah. is such a you're a bad boy. Like you're a bad kid, you know, like you're the kid who is going to get kicked out of school kind of vibe, right? I get it now. Now, right, our kids are in uh kindergarten, entering their first grade, and we're already talking about your boyfriend and your girlfriend, right? Again, if at if you are sexualized at 15 is very different from if you sexualized at seven, right? And then okay, let's let's this is people are going to be laughing at me as I'm saying this, but I'm saying it anyway cuz I'm going somewhere. What I'm saying, the Bible says, "Train a child in the way that he should go." Mhm. And when he's old, he will not depart from it. Yep. Right. Our children are exposed through when when we were growing up, sorry, the only cartoons we saw were Tom and Jerry. Mhm. Right now is oh my god there's so much out there. I mean and and to personalize it. I don't want to use your thought, but for me I feel like my background was the opposite. And not that I you were sexualized that too. No, no, no. Just the the other side of it. I'm not saying what your point is the extreme. The other side of like you're not nothing. You're not seeing any affection. You're not you you better be in church every single day. I don't want to hear g from you. And for me, all that did when I eventually got my freedom was for me pushed me into that world like so quickly, right? I'm not I'm not saying your your point is the extreme. I'm just trying to No, no, I hear you. But I think I think that yes, it's inevitable that a if you are dealt with with a heavy hand, right? And it's not just that dealt with a heavy hand is that all of these things are bad. It is bad. It is bad. It is bad person. So then you now have a curiosity about these bad things, right? When you come out of when you get your freedom, right? As opposed to nobody's talking about it. Nobody's it's not bad. It's not good. It's just not a thing. Right. Right. It's just not a thing. We're not hiding anything. Right. Well, it's just not a thing. We don't paint romantic relationships as negative. Right. We It's just one of those things like, "Oh, are you ready to parent?" Then you're not ready to have a girlfriend. You know, you you put it in its place. Right. You don't you don't diminish it. You don't belittle it. You don't you don't um you don't make it sound dirty. Right. But you put it in its place. Right. We we don't do that anymore. And this is where it leads to. Right. It I I I have you if you go on a date with somebody, you show up as your best self. What about when you're dating that person? I'm sorry. What about when you're dating that person? As your best self. You always show up as your best self. Put your best foot forward. Put your best foot forward. You don't go on a date as you really are. Yeah. But after time, you can't pretend. You You can pretend. You can pretend the entire time. You can pretend for a long time. Do you know why? On Let me tell you when the pretend stops. The pretend stops when we start living together. That's the only time I can stop pretending when you are there 24/7. I can agree with that. Before then, oh my god, it's so easy to pretend. I know I'm going to see you at 4:00, right? Get my game face on and you're going to leave. I will tolerate you. I will I I can suppress my worst instincts when I know there's a beginning and there's an end. Right? So you don't see me. You don't know me. Then why why are we doing this thing? So you're not saying that this current generation that is in that gap they're not well. You're not saying they are doomed. You're saying yes trouble. So no cuz I want I I'm saying that I'm saying that their system is is is built to frustrate and to fail rather than to succeed. So what's the alternative? Well, yeah. Let let me give an example. The alternative is let us live as a community. How? Right. H where's first? Wait, I'm assuming a lot of people who are listening to this go to some church, right? If you are in church, be a part of that community. Right? Make friends in that community. Make it clear that all you are interested in is friendships in that community. Get to know people in that community. Let me tell you something. When somebody thinks you're not interested in them, they don't put on they don't pretend in front of you. Right. But to but to Ros's point, like people only pretend for people they think are checking them out, right? So a woman will wear makeup, right? Because she feels like I want to look attractive to you as I am. I'm not attractive enough. So I'm going to put on all of this stuff, right? And I'm I know I'm oversimplifying. I know makeup is a lot more complicated than that, right? A guy will money that he will never spend on himself, right? And when you get married, he's not going to spend it on you. He'll put it in his pocket to take you out on a date. And he will spend it because he knows that don't worry, once we once I catch you before you see this kind of money again, your eye will you you will hear about it. That's crazy. So the number of people who end up feeling like they were deceived, right? It's ridiculous. That's why we have the divorce rates. Pastor, this is not what I expected. Oh, really? And the guy said, "Oh, do you think I expected this?" Everybody is lying to everybody. So when you're talking about dating, do you see my problem with dating? Yes, tell me. Tell me more. But I have a Okay, so growing up, right, my parents did not want me to be around boys or any like it was forbidden. And then I go to college, you know, I'm having my freedom, all that stuff. But still, study your books, get your degree, all that stuff. And then when you get to and where's your where's your husband? So they like I never Your parents are part of the problem. Your parents are part of the problem because they were talking. I apologize. Apologies to Ros's parents. Your parents. It's just an example. Your parents are part of the problem. They made boys look like if he touches you, you get pregnant. If he brushes on you, some boys, they will touch you like this. You see, you see all of these things. You know, you know the irony of it. You know the irony of it, right? Most of our parents, right, didn't grow up in that kind of environment, right? Sexuality is human. At a certain age, uh, you hit puberty, that's all you can think about. It's just the way it is. Okay. So, would you say then that is sexualization? No. Because when you get the natural progression, okay, of our growth process, right? But when a kindergarten kindergartener who is 5 6 7 8, we're already encouraging him to buy chocolate for his girl in his class. That is a problem. when the shows he's watching on TV, one mouse is kissing another mouse. That is a problem. Is that Tom and Jerry? Yeah, that's Tom and Jerry. Jerry had a little girlfriend. So, this is what I'm trying to make is the point I'm trying to make is this guys is that we don't realize that the problems that we have with the streets as they are called didn't start on the streets. Right? What we are seeing in the streets is a manifestation of something that started way back before people became eligible for the streets. That's my point. And and and again just to So what is the solution? Hey, the solution as I was saying before I was interrupt interrupted, right? Was that let us get back to living as communities, right? I was talking about the folks who are going to church, right? And who maybe it's I don't know where you can find community, but find a community where you are sur that's why I have a lot of single women around me and one day I was talking to one of them said she doesn't want any friends. She has enough male friends. I said you see that's you are the problem. You are the problem. That means that any guy who comes to you already. Think about it like this. If every conversation is about directly or indirectly, can I are you an eligible spouse? Right? How real can that conversation be? Can I be honest with you? I'm I'm I'm thinking to myself, okay, ah this fine girl, man, I like this girl, man. Ah, man. This girl is going to make a good wife. So, I am going to do everything possible to frame myself in a way that she will find me acceptable. Make sense? and she's doing the same, right? And then we get to we get married and we do it for like 6 months, but it's not sustainable until you get tired. Then the real you who is like, "Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Why do you have to have um your birthday dinner at the most expensive restaurant?" Because why not? Eh, we are back. That's when that's when you see that's when the person will now tell you that listen listen I did not come to this world eh to work for you to be eating at expensive dinner. Ah but when we dating you took me here you took me there. Oh we were dating. This is real life. The number of times that I have dealt with people in my office on those terms is ridiculous. It's kind of wild. Yeah, I I I don't I I don't know. I don't know you. What do you don't know me? We dated for two years. It's easy. Yeah. But I don't like baby, shout out to you. Cuz when I met my wife at the time, I wasn't spend that much bread on her after we got married. If you don't if you don't, you know. This is what I think. This is what I think. So you are the opposite. Hey, I guess. So lucky lucky wife. Yeah. Tell her. Can you say it again? Look at that camera, please. Lucky wife. You're lucky. Just saying. No, I couldn't resist that. This is what I'm trying to like find a group. Find a community. Remove this thing. I know it's on your mind, but just try and just get to know people for people. I think sometimes let them get to know you as a person. I agree with that. But what do you say about like the the physicality of like being young? Um wanting to get married because of for example sex drive, right? Mhm. Um can you speak to what Paul is talking about when he um talks about like if you are burning then you should go ahead and just get married? Paul was not talking Well, Paul was not thinking he was talking to 30 30 40 year olds. No, but he was talking to 23. So yeah, bro. He was talking to how old? Like maybe like 23, 24. He was talking to people much younger than that, right? Your your sex drive kicks in at what? 16, 17. It used to Well, depends on, you know, it used to, but these days now with all the hormones that we're drinking, we're drinking cow's milk. You know, we're drinking. My pastor, let's not talk about this conversation. No, no, no. Wait, wait. Now guys, I'm just I'm just where our sexual instinct is being is being um activated much earlier. Okay. Right. So people are becoming sexually conscious before they can be relationally responsible. Mhm. Right. Which creates a problem. Yeah. Right. Was it like that then? It wasn't this bad. Yeah. Because there wasn't I think there's a case for modernization. And I think there was some things that we that they didn't have back then in terms of social media. It's not even social. The problem is not even social media. The problem is even well social media is a big problem, right? Social media feeds. It does. But even the food we eat, right? The the the the chemicals we consume, right? So girls are starting their periods at 10, nine, nine, seven. It's ridiculous. And say it's back to like that progressization because progress you it's actually a a a what's the word a you know regression regression but even still how do we deal with it but but I I don't I I can I be honest with you there is no answer to everything because the world is in a downward spiral it's wrapping up we're getting to the end of the show right when Christ is going to come back right so the nations of the world have been judged in the last days men will be lovers of themselves. The love of many would wax cold. You know, as knowledge increases, self-centeredness and selfishness increases. That is the unfortunate irony of eating from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Wow. Right. It does not bring life, it brings death. So, humanity is on a trajectory of death. So, we see a falling apart of all our institutions, right? We see a falling apart of community. We say falling apart of relationships. We say falling apart of marriage, right? And it's inevitable, right? But the truth is this. Yeah. If we're talking about solutions, we have to be able to say, well, this is the problem. Right? If we can identify the problem, then maybe we can find a solution. We don't have to keep trying to work within the paradigm that the world has set for us. The world says that this is the way you connect with people. Go on dates. If you don't like them, go find someone else and go on another date. What the world doesn't tell you is the emotional state it leaves you. So now you've got people who are 31, 32, 33, they've been on so many dates, they never they don't want to go on another date. But what about guard your heart? How do you guard your heart? You go out with somebody and the premise is do you like me? Don't I like you? And then, well, I don't like you like that. How how do you guard your heart from that? It's so It's so clear. It's a It's a realistic problem. And I guess what I'm hearing you say is like we should not oversimplify by jumping to quick to a solution. We should understand of the problem. Understand the severity of the problem. Understand the nature of the problem. Right? The problem is not men. The problem is not women. Right? The problem is the system is rigged to blow everybody up. Right? And I'm not trying to be an anarchist here by saying let's blow the whole thing up. But let's blow the thing up and say, do you know what? We're not doing dates anymore. We're we're doing relationships. Let's get to know each other outside of these romantic connotations and then I can see the real you and I can see the real you and if I like the real you enough then I come and tell you I like you. Let's spend the rest of our lives together. That can be difficult when you have a sex drive. Ah okay. I mean it's it's I I had so much to say but was Yeah. No, it's is it is it easy this one that we're doing? Okay. So this one with our sex drive now. No. No. I I'm hearing you. This one that we're doing now is not working. It's clearly that it's not working now because now what we're doing Sorry, I'm not trying to No, no. I What we're doing now is we're giving opportunity for our sex drive to run rampant. Yeah. So, guess what is happening? Because we have to acknowledge the sex drive. Yeah. So, we go on these dates. Yeah. And you know, we have sex with this person. And guess what? Sex before marriage is a sin. No. So he's like no so is stealing. By the way, I hope you realize that in the Bible there's no wedding. People sleep together and they get married. Okay. So just when you say sex before marriage. Yeah. But it has a decided what? Do you see the morality versus righteousness? That's the system. You see the problems? The system is so messed up. Wait guys guys wait. Are we rushing? Are you guys you guys you guys are funny auntie? So so so so here my here my problem. Yeah you're talking about sex drive. Yes. So we take our sex drive into this relationship into this encounter not a relationship with this person. Basically saying I don't know if I like you well enough but you know what I'm going to sleep with you. Right? Knowing that for men and women sex has different connotations. Mhm. Right. Even in this day when sex is supposed to be for women, oh well it's just so physical. It's just physical. It is physical but there's an emotional component to it. Yeah. Right. It's I found that women who get their heart broken the pain sometimes is less when they have not been sexually active with the person. But when they have the pain is intense. The world is you know why? Do you know why? Because that that's that oh yeah you know that ghosting that not returning your call it's kind of like a divorce. Mhm. Right. Because when you sleep with somebody, you've kind of married to the person. Yeah. You what I'm saying? And men on the other hand by by the unfortunate animalistic at the base at a man's base at his most animalistic level, right? Sex is not like that for him. So they don't have the emotional meltdown that the woman has. So for them it's easier to have sex and move on. Right. For them, right? For them is just cha. Yeah. For a woman, it's a little bit more complex, right? And I'm not trying to diminish anybody. I'm just talking about the realities. It's a little bit more complex. So this sampling system that I'm talking about, all it does is leave a trail of broken hearts of broken hearts, wounded egos, right? And so we are dealing in this. So the streets, the streets, the streets, of course, the streets go hard. The streets go because the streets is full of damaged people who are damaging themselves. The system is a damage. It it does damage. So I'm calling out the problem. I don't have all the solutions. Yeah. But I do know one thing, right? When I and I'm going to use myself as an example, not as a template. Please understand the difference between example and template. That's a small. You want me to help? Please help. Okay. So an example. Ah, okay. I didn't think we needed explanation. Oh, sorry. I got it. I got it. Sorry. They got it. Of using big words. I don't know which one has a big word. All right. You got it. I'm not a template, but as an example, yeah, I was in church with my wife. We we served in different ministries together, different in in, you know, in in the church for like four or five years. I got to know her without ever ever having a romantic conversation with her. I got to observe her through her interactions with other people. And from what I saw, I felt like this person would be a great partner to spend the rest of my life with. Then I had a conversation with her. I wasn't testing her. I wasn't like, "Okay, let me see." No, I had seen everything I needed to see. And the whole sex thing, in my opinion, at the time, it never occurred to me that, oh, what if the sex is bad? Is that the beginning and the end of life? I have a question. Weren't you dating somebody before? No, I wasn't. Keep me. So, I was No, wait. It's a fair question because as you are talking, that's how people will be say this one. Essa, I got born again in 1992. Mhm. My last relationship ended in 1993. Right. I proposed to my wife in 1990 either 97 or 96. Okay. That proposal was the first romantic conversation I had with her and we got married in 1998. Yeah. So between 1993 and 1996 or 97, I don't remember the exact timing. Okay. I was not involved with anybody. Right. I'm just trying to say guys that look. There has to be a way. The the goal of dating is for us to get to know each other. Yeah. And I'm saying it's not possible under those circumstances to really get to know anybody. And the problems are much greater than the benefits, right? Let's find another way. The way we did it was we lived in groups. We got to know each other outside of romantic settings. Nobody's fronting for you. Going out to things with your community. Yes. House party. Yes. Exactly. So you're in you're in a friend group. There are like 20 of you in a friend group, 10 of you in a friend group. We all know everybody in that group. But guess what we do? We don't when it's time to we're like, "Okay, I'm I'm lonely." We go and start looking outside the friend group. I know them too well. But you know them. You know that this is a kind guy. You know this guy will he will drop everything to come get you if you got drunk and you were out with your friends. You know that this guy has your back 150% but he's not 6' tall. He doesn't make six figures and he doesn't have a six-pack. Are you kidding me? You know this girl, you know that she's lawyer. You know she's this. You know everything about her. But no, no, no. She's not she's not a video vixen. So So you you you Yeah. I guess I don't know. I mean I know I hear what you're saying. I think realist from from my perspective and my experience realistically speaking like I didn't I wasn't looking at my wife then and saying, "Okay, I wanted someone that was a video victim." But there were I wanted someone that was attractive. I wanted someone that when we get married I would Are you friends with people you don't are you are all your friends unattractive people? Are all my friends unattractive? I mean I'm saying that I'm saying that we surround ourselves our friends with people that we have a certain level of comfort with. Right. Right. But because I'm comfortable with you doesn't mean I want to marry you. Hear me? If I cannot be comfortable with you, right, as I am with my friends, I should not marry you. Yeah, I get there. Exactly. Yeah, I get there. That comfort uh comes from trust. Comes from knowledge. Comes from time spent. It comes from trust. And the trust is based on why would you lie to me? You're not lying to me, right? There's nothing. But you meet this babe. Fine girl, right? But you don't know her, right? You don't know her. You put your head inside. Yeah. And after two weeks, you're saying like, "Man, I'm not feeling this girl, babe. I'm not doing I'm I'm I'm I'm not feeling it." And the way you do it is it varies depending on your level of confidence in yourself. You can send her a text message. You can tell her to her face or you can ghost her. All of them will have some kind of impact on her, right? So the poor girl is now a victim, right, of your I want to marry somebody I'm attracted to. Yeah. Wait now. She's a victim. Is she not a victim? I don't. Not really. She's not a victim. Her heart is not broken. Okay. But h So what are you going to do? But no, no, but okay. Maybe I'm misunderstanding this. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Exactly. If I meet a If this is before I met you, baby. Met a girl before you met her and I'm kind. Mhm. And we go out I get to do I get to know you as friends because my wife and I say this thing friends first friends last. And then you say what are we? We are friends. I say we are friends. You say how could you have stringed me along? How could you have played? Because you gave me you gave me husband benefits without the right. So so the problem is the girl then not you. So you said the poor girl. I said things some kind of way. But but you you were not go remember now you said you were looking for um somebody you attracted to. attracted. So, so this was not about friendship. This was about attraction, right? Exactly. So, you can discern it. So, how so your interest in her was not based on her character. Was based on her appearance. No, I can be attracted to to your character now. That's what No, no, I know. No, I said attraction. Maybe I didn't clarify what attraction meant, but I do think I wasn't looking for I wasn't looking for a video of Vixen. My wife said, but I wanted someone that was attracted to attracted to. Yes. Okay. So, it wasn't it wasn't about the physical attraction. No, that was part of it too. Cuz I was about to say Wendy is very beautiful. Absolutely. I know. But my person will find you. There you go. You see problem now? No. But but also but PF, there are some girls that that would say Tund you're you're a great guy, but you're not 6' something. And that's fair too. The point I'm trying to make is this, right? Point I'm trying to make I'm not saying it's right, but it's fair. Right. Okay. Good. The point I'm trying to make is this. T guys is that the friendships right are a critical component of a marriage. Yeah. If I cannot be friends with you, I should not marry you. Why don't we pursue the friendships first? I agree. And then from the people who have passed the test of friendship, right? We choose the people out of those who have passed the test, the people who we are then attracted to. Yeah. What we do is this. We find the people we attracted to and hope to build friendships with. Right. And and and again, I don't have a problem with that. What I have a problem with is the Yeah. No, I I'm not like I don't feel you like that. So, go back into the pool. So, you catch a fish and you throw it back. But every time you catch the fish, you forget that you put a hook in it mouth and you throw it back. So, the fish is walking around with wounds. I guess that's my problem. Yeah. But I I guess maybe is the way I'm interpreting because one could argue that maybe I as I might have been that that that that guy that put a a hook in the fish's mouth. But you I mean technically in that scenario obviously it wasn't you but I feel like it's a little bit but it goes it goes both ways. It goes both ways. I'm saying it goes both ways. There guys who go out on dates and women and and the girl is like nah man you don't have a six-pack and she just she just ghost him. He calls her 100 times. She doesn't take his call and next thing he hears she's talking about him how he has no money. He has body order. Yes. And you know she says all these really nasty things about him and again he then he then he then goes to the next date. M all coloned up. M he all his all his savings eh he brings it to that debt. But that girl eh he's going to deal with her before she deals with him. Right. So again and and I'm not trying to I know we I'm not trying to equalize. I'm not saying oh what I was trying to say was there there girls that I'm sure they would say things like he treated me in a way which I felt like it was what you said a hook in the in the mouth but I was just being a nice person and it sounds like you're talking from experience. Yes I am. I feel like you've been you you you suffered by being nice and people said you let me on. Yeah, multiple times and it's like that's not I don't I won't say to that that's a poor girl. Then then the problem then is the way the girl was thinking. That's why I was trying to bring out and and it's inevitable when already see the number of times I I hate the idea of people come and ask me all the time and say hey PF if you know any guys you know or any girls who are single connect me and I struggle with that. Do you know why? I'll tell you why I struggle with it. I feel like if you meet somebody and the first conversation marriage is on the table, the first conversation marriage is on the table. It cannot be a pure conversation, right? You you cannot I personally can never trust that person if the first thing they want is marriage. The first conversation is are we potentially getting married? That's interesting cuz there are people in the in the Christian community that would say that's the only thing that's what's important. Marriage first should be dating. Well then then you don't understand what it means when somebody wants something they will do anything to get it. Absolutely. There there are men who have been told right by their mothers by their commit that they must marry. Yeah. Right. And they've decided that you know what this my tough guy. I don't mess around. It's not going to get me far. So I need to soften myself. So they go on dates with women and they are super soft. Super soft once they married. Then once they married they real listen guys I know a couple right the guy led with his wallet right and he led he led well. This girl was she was mesmerized. She was dazzled by the wealth. Mhm. And the generosity. Mhm. So he had it. the mean they got married auntie that's not how we do it now we have to build we have to build together we can't be spending all this money okay so I guess the you said this this episode was dating boundaries right and PF I hear you when you said okay like leading with be friends first yeah first at least you have to be friends first honestly you do so in summary let me yeah size yourself so so that way you know PF said not they said PF said this is PF friendship ship is a critical component of a successful marriage. Attraction is actually not. People change physically. True. I was trying to put on my shirt just now and the button was stretching. Wasn't. Oh wow. It's stretch small. When my wife met me, this shirt would have been like a tent. The Lord has satisfied me with fatness. But you're you're 42 years old. Like you're getting old. Oh, sorry. Wow. I'm slow. Okay, I'm slow. The other day I was laying down in bed and I got cramp on my in my in my my calf. My my calf cramped while I was still shouting. AK ak my thigh started cramping. That happened to me shouting. There was nothing attractive about. Oh my god. Jesus. There was nothing sexy about it. But that is reality. Mhm. But she but she has grown with you as well. So it's both point. Okay. Fantastic. So at this point it is not about physicality. It's about relationship. It's about friendship. So she help me massage it and then she laugh. Oh boy you don't. And we laughed. Yeah. We're friends. Yeah. You know what I'm trying to say? We're friends. So the attraction Yeah. is is important but the most important component is the friendship. So build your friendships and select from the people who have passed the friend test. That's the test. The friend test. Can you be my friend? That's what we should be talking about in dating. The friend test. Can you be my friend? If you can be my friend, then maybe you can be my wife or husband. Maybe you have a wife. So then once we become friends and I said, okay, you know, I want to this is the person I want to start something with. Then how do we know transition into that romantic figure? What that one you figure out? Well, that one you No, that one. That one. Nobody needs to tell you how to do that one. But your instincts will kick in. You can say that he not into you like the No, no. Let's say that we both find out that we are interested in each other and now we're like, okay, this is, you know, we like each other. Cool. So then that's when the Oh, that is that part is easy. That part is easy. I've seen a lot. That part is easy. So they're going to just get So we just say like, "Yeah, I like you. I like you. Let's get married. Yes. In fact, I love Thank you. So, don't answer the question. Yeah. Because that's supposed to be next episode. Oh, really? Yeah. So, good. So, I need this cuz it keeps it gives them like one more. But actually, definitely was supposed to be next. I mean, you can foreshadow it. Okay. So, for it. Yeah. So, that conversation Yeah. that is the first conversation I had with my wife, right? And it was a I want to spend the rest of my life with you conversation. So once I spoke with her, we were engaged to be married, right? The first conversation, you didn't propose. You didn't get down on one knee. That was a proposal. I didn't I I didn't get down on one knee. See, then these are the kind of again superficial here. We This is okay. So we talked about difference was getting down on one knee or knees or standing up make to it. That's how they get down on one knee and then they use that knee as a pivot. Flappy. This is great because we talked about the singleness of things. Now we're going to the marriedness of things that I want us to like bring that up in the next episode. We can bring it up in the next episode. But auntie, one knee, two knees, five knee, no knee, don't mean sport, man. I can't remember the last time I went to the bank and they said, "Oh, Mr. 6' tall. Here's $1,000." Listen, let me tell you something. Even if he gets on one knee, he does it all. He can still come back and do one [ __ ] That's what PF what I'm saying now. But you just brought up that did he get on one knee confusing me? But what makes it what makes it nice? Why do I have to get down on one knee? It's sensational to your point. It's sensationalizing. Yeah, it is. This is this is this is this sense of entitlement. Well, I'm a lovely girl. I'm I'm You are the prize. So, I must get down on one knee. Are we not the prize? What prize? You both the prize. And me and what? We are the favor. What? I favor. You said it. Thank you. You said it. The favor. I I know. I said it. You are God's favor to me, but I am God's purpose to you. Oo. And we compliment each other. So, so, so you're a lot better than me. Why should I let So why should I get down on one knee? Why can't you two get down? Let two of us knew that each other again. Why should you leave then to saying in the Bible proposed to her husband? Not Esther. Not Esther. Ruth in the Bible proposed to her husband. Sorry, I'm just trying to make So, do you do you know the idea? I get down on one knee, you get down on the other knee. So, I'm on my left knee, on your right knee, and you accept the not the one that you be looking down on me and saying, "Will you marry me?" And I that's what happened. That's not what happens in No, because she's so like, "Oh my god, her too." Because she's so in love, she just cries. Can I be honest with you? And I know people are going to drag me for this. This whole kneeling down to propose to a woman makes you look weak and this I I I I honestly don't do it in front of me. If you want to know more about PF's thoughts on this, catch us on the next episode cuz this is going to be good. Why do I have to get down on one knee? This is why this is why this is why we somebody stand in front of a door and say I should come and open the door. Is that happening you please? Can we end this? I'll see you guys next time. See you guys next time. Appreciate it. Like, subscribe. I'm in trouble. Smash. No, no, no. Kneel down on one knee. Lie down. Roll around. Your father Your father can kneel down with you and propose. Please. I was just joking. Yeah. Appreciate you guys. Uh, see you guys. We'll see you guys in the next episode. I was just fooling around. Unfiltered. [Music]