(0:00)The Holiday Stress Reality
unfiltered Hello everybody welcome back to PF unfiltered we're so excited to have you all hey Esther got it right yes she did Lord multiple times of getting it wrong it's been a very long weekend guys but we're glad you guys are here welcome back we made it we made it and through Esther's weekend of parties yeah Esther has been busy so clearly I have but I mean you know that's what you do you celebrate with those that are celebrating you know you have to quote scripture to excuse your to tell us why why she did what she there another word for you guys have been doing re rry just you know enjoying the life that God has given us that's it you know you know I love how Christians find a way to spiritualize everything you know everything is spiritual I me it is spiritual wow okay all right you know what it is spiritual I've got work for you to do on Sunday you can do the first service you can do the second service yeah do you want people to come back to the church oh absolutely uhhuh so you might want to rethink that having you preach or you preach ah let me tell you something they're not come back right what what would you say what would you say to them listen repent before the before the kingdom of God is at hand that's all repent oh you're one of those um fire get fire let's get it together but let's get into it so it's the holidays Christmas is coming up how you guys feeling about the holiday season what how am I feeling about the holiday season do you do you really want to know I really want to know no no seriously like on a scale of 1 to 10 how much you want to know really honest I really want to know so what's the question do I am I looking forward to it how do you feel about the holiday season
(1:45)Why Pastors Struggle with December
stress why is that it is the busiest time for pastors we've got Services we've got events that you have to be at um there are people having celebrations that you have to be at and then I'm a husband and a father I have to show up for those that's true people you know it just seems like a lot of showing up yeah you know um a lot of putting a smile on your face you know even when you don't feel like smiling and for me my mom passed away on the morning of Christmas day so Christmas Day always has a bit of a a bitter sweet tint to it that I don't enjoy like that you know but you know when you're down and everybody's happy it's kind of hard yeah you can't you can't you can't let them be down by your down by your down and you can't yeah so you know let's if if if they said to me 2024 we're going to skip over December I'll be like yes yeah no well some of our kids are looking forward to I excited I am excited for the holidays I haven't made any concrete plans and this is the first year I think that I'm kind of winging it but I'm excited to see okay can we just swap can we swap lives you know let me take your December where there are no plans we definitely don't wish to be in your shoes no no thank you not at all you guys make it sound so I mean your shoes are great respons they just really huge and I don't want to usually when people say that they they're say something nice about the person they're saying oh what you know the shoes are too big to feel but the way you guys are saying it you know I kind of want to have small shoes no no we recognize that you do a lot and um and we're appreciative we're grateful yeah we're so grateful for that so yeah yeah it it is you know it's it's a it's a busy season it's one of those Seasons that you want to for me I want it to get by really quick I always take my vacations in January because that's when you know I can actually rest cuz everybody kind of slows down in January trying to catch their breath New Year resolutions all the things yes yes yes you know so I'm looking forward to January not not December not December well well we are looking forward to December and just having the holidays um you know when you were saying the have to be at places I actually was like Wow shown literally I'm going to tell on myself a little bit like the first Sunday in December I came to church and they put the like everything that's happening and I was like oh five Sundays what Sunday can I watch from home I was like what would I not feel bad about missing that's crazy and I was like okay I think that one will be online so when you said have to be I was like oh wow that's true you really have to be I'm preaching all of December um I'm preaching the Christmas and two services so all two Services each Sunday then um thank God we only have one New Year's Eve service um and that's yeah and then my anniversary is New Year's Day right New Year's Day right so how many years a lot good answer very good good answer we'll take that Shameless unplug y'all come to church yes clearly PF is going to be here so come come see him um but yeah so um we're just going to kind of
(5:20)Is Your Friend Circle Healthy?
transition into our topic for today so we're just talking since we're going to be it's the holiday season a lot of people are going to be spending time with friends and family um and so we just kind of wanted to talk about friendships a little bit and just why they were given to us um like cuz it is a gift from God and just navigating them and like stewarding that well um so Esther go ahead I mean we kind of want to learn more about you as well so I guess tell us a little bit about what your friends like what your friendships were like growing up and well so this is the thing right I I just want to clear male friendships are very different from women friendships this is true so when I talk about my friendships I don't want you guys to think that I don't like my friends right or I don't want you guys to think like you know I don't have real friends because the way you guys look at friendship for me it's very concerning your relationship your friendships are borderline inappropriate I don't know but I mean what makes them inappropriate now
(6:18)The 'Drama' of Female Friendships
there's just too much emotion involved they just you know there's too much emotion there's too much emal being all human beings have emotions but your your relationships are are concerning to me I I don't suffer as much over my friendships as women suffer over their friendships I I don't get that right your friends are supposed to be you know um a breath of fresh air right you guys your friends are a problem you know I guess it depends on the friends the kind yeah yeah like it depends on the the the Friendship it's too intense it is relationship sot into it but I think that the reward is just as as great it is that kind of reward should come only from a spouse or a romantic partner no seriously speaking why are let me ask you guys the question why are female friendships so intense I don't know I don't know how to answer that question I cannot speak for all females yeah please try I if okay let me try so if I was to answer I would say cuz I do have a lot of friends um people that know me will tell you that I have a lot of friends even my friends will tell you that I have a lot of friends but I also think it's about like living in community and just having people around that you do life with that's you dancing why why so intense so thank you are so dramatic why they dramatic I think part of it is that you don't want women cry more over their friends than their spouses or their children me I don't know about that though really okay I mean I'm not going to act like I don't have like even I feel like even this week I was just actually talking to somebody about friendship stuff and how like I've kind of been rocked but I think it's none of my friends I've ever none of my friends I've ever done anything like that it's an identity issue we're getting it solved we're figuring it out okay okay you know just trying to you know when you're especially as a girl when you're growing up you do grow up a lot of around like depending on friendship to like build up your like emotional awareness and um I don't know how to put it like there's a lot of depth I think like it's not depth I think it's drama well I mean I do think that sometimes female relationships can get dramatic but I think that a lot like I think about some of my guy friends and they're like that's my friend they know nothing about that guy that's just their guy they just say hey what's up what's up that's my guy they don't they don't know we know we know enough right we know enough we know we know what's relevant so so I I've got okay when you are when a guy when I was young right I had a lot of friends where I had a lot of people around me that were friends when I got into High School the number of people that I would call my friends narrowed right when I got into college it kind of shrunk a little bit but the crowd around me or the crowd that I was around was was pretty large yeah um by the time I got married that became a very tiny group now I'm 55 I
(9:30)My Small Inner Circle at 55
have maybe two three people that I would actually call my friend right I've got a lot of guys around me I've got a lot of people that I'm close to but it is not the the relationships are very um compartmentalized right there are there are maybe one or two people that I talk to about everything right yes um but the levels of intensity and emotional um expenditure on those relationships is very minimal and I think it has to be minimal otherwise they become work right and they become stressed right um my relationship with my daughters is very um there's a lot of emotional Capital invested in it not by choice they demand it yeah you know as they should of their father my wife demands that I'm emotionally available my friends would rather I wasn't emotionally available you know they they we hangout and we don't want to deal with those things chill yes you know friends are they can choose what they like friends are a breath of fresh air you know friends are like they at the beach you know this shouldn't be work you know you shouldn't have to calculate you know dance around on eggshells worry about their emotions if their hair looks jacked up you should
(10:45)The 'Friendship as Work' Problem
be able to say oh boy you don't go Baba today you know you shouldn't become like oh female friendships are like that no they're not if you tell your friend boy who CAU your hair now C they'll be like oh my God she said to me and it will be a problem right no it's not the real friends then it depends on the the level of friendship there's some friends you can say that to and there's some friends you can't and to your point not everybody keeps people in their like main Circle you know all I can tell you is this my friends are easy that's why they're my friends the day you become Rock You CE being my friends so I don't know about you guys so he said that's that's so that's the the I guess the standard let me tell what the standard people I can a I can trust you yeah right I can tell you stuff and not um have it be out there right number two I can be myself around you and not worry that you're judging me right and number three because I Pastor I have to believe that even though you see the um the um silly side right or the you know the non-pastoral side when I stand in that office you can can deal with it yeah you know I don't have to be um um un serious around you all the time right if you can't take me seriously when I'm pastoring and we can't be friends so now that you even bring that
(12:15)Can You Be Real With Friends?
up um I'm curious um can you tell us just a little bit more about like I guess cuz initially when when we started the podcast you shared a little bit about your your life story and just getting transitioning into Ministry and what that looked like um can share a little bit more about how like your friendships changed as you transitioned into Ministry um and how I guess you were able to keep or cultivate let go if you needed to and like just maintain those friendships now that you had you know you had started you had gone into Ministry and you came into Ministry quite young you were like in your 20s so what did that look like for you well so
(12:54)Growing Out of Past Friendships
so my life is a bit my my journey has been a bit different from the norm right so I get saved as I'm coming out of college right and that means that I all the guys I was friends with didn't get saved right as in they weren't born again the nature of Christianity at the time did not really make a lot of room for me and I think let me not blame it on nature I think God separated me from from them and I think the reason why it happened was because our interests immediately differed right um while they lived the life that I was coming from right I was pursuing a different path and without dropping them or them dropping me our path just diverged right so that there was no animosity if I if I see the guys I left college with my friends from college we still hang out on talk right we wouldn't have a lot to talk about other than you know the kids and family and all that but our paths just kind of diverged and I realized that everybody who I was friend with and I am I I I won't say that I no longer friends with them right I'll just say that our paths have diverged like time and space yes yes right so when we catch up we catch up there's no you know maybe one or two maybe one person probably where there was actually a Schism right but everyone else has been just you know as our paths diverge distance separates us all my friends from college I left University in 93 right um I got married in 98 that's 5 years later between 93 and 98 I spoke to the guys who I was friends with in college right maybe a total of five times in five years right but all of them were at my wedding and I didn't invite one of them like that's interesting yeah that's Nigerian weddings yeah but all of them were there and I was excited and happy to see them right but if they had not shown up at my wedding I would have jacked them up and be like oh boy how far did you have G wa you didn't invite them I don't have to invite you to did you have Grims men I had a uh uh what do you call it I had the best man I had I had the best man it was a very um uh it wasn't intimate it was a crowd it was on it was a massive crowd but it was very compact I didn't have money so so I I I wish I could call it intimate it wasn't intimate it was huge but um other people paid for the people that they invited they paid for so okay so you're saying like at at some point things kind of just like you know everyone kind of went their separate ways natur um okay so when you did get into Ministry so were you then like how were you cultivating friendships as you were starting this is it like there were other like young people who were like becoming pastors and like you were like oh we got this group of people who are it's interesting you say that it was kind of a okay so when I entered ministry right there were not it was kind of there were not a lot of people who were my direct peers in Ministry there were folks who were years older than I was and there were folks who were years younger than I was right and um the way Ministry works is this if you start pastoring right you realize that you're going to spend all of your time around the people you Pastor literally your you're spending your spare time um if I'm going to go to a party today right nine times out of 10 is going to be a party that a member of my congregation is hosting right if I'm going to a wedding nine times out of 10 I'm officiating the wedding right if I'm going to a naming ceremony nine times out of 10 I'm the one officiating the naming ceremony accurate so your social life and your work life becomes so intermingled right if um after service and I want to go out for lunch nine times out of 10 I'm going with church folks right um you find out that you're spending a lot of time around your congregation and if you cannot make friendships with people in your congregation you're going to be friendless cuz you just don't have the time to seek out others yes so okay I'm not friends with the folks in my congregation but Friday I'm going to be at their event right Saturday I'm going to be at their wedding I'm not friends with them it's just work it's a Lely life yes the nature of the work right is very very involved in other people's lives such that you don't have time right to build a life outside of that right so what God has done for me is enabled me to build friendships within the people and a lot of pastors will tell you that is dangerous right because true friendships have a level of vulnerability built into them in that you are being you you are how do I put this people see things about you that are not always complimentary right because you're not a perfect human being right and on Sunday you are on the PO pit you're preaching and people have this impression of who you are but then on Friday on Saturday you're you're yourself and some people struggle with that right they can't they can't deal with the reality of your Humanity yeah um I I don't know if I ever told the story of the girl who at a Bible study I was I was sharing and I and I talked about some of the challenges that I had experienced with my wife and the girl was very indignant and said she doesn't want to know that about her pastor right now that's interesting very interesting because now your generation right is is is rewards authenticity y more than the perfect facad yeah right but my generation is not interested in you being authentic we don't want to see your nonsense we just want to see you being the man of God you are supposed to be so making friendship making friends with people in your congregation can be problematic right CU then they know things about you that might be a challenge for them right when you are preaching the word right if they step out of line or do something contrary to the word and you have to you know uh speak to them about it again it's a challenge right it's almost like in a ways like you're the boss you're the father right so you have to love but you also have to discipline right friends don't want to be disciplined by friends you know what I mean so it's a very um it's a very PR a lot of pastors don't do it and so they're very lonely right I I guess I guess as I'm thinking about you talk in terms of like what the what friendship should look like within the confines of a church right if you think about like the disciples you know you got to be Church you got to bring out that scripture like it was multiple even though like Peter was the head he had multiple people that he can stand by you know obviously it was the 11 right and then you had 12 pet 11 plus Peter 12 right yes um and and so like you know the church that he was at when in the Church of acts right there were multiple leaders that I would say he was friends with that he did life with right they did life together doesn't mean they were friends okay no no seriously I I don't mean to be um pugnacious but the truth is this right you can do life with people and not be friends with them that's right because I think to have a friend there's a level of intimacy right there's a level of nakedness so to speak that I I I don't think a friendship I I was teasing you guys about work right maintaining a facade is work for me right not being myself is work right is work right if I'm always surrounded by people with whom I have to to work it's a problem so what I did and you know I had an experience in 2018 where I have tried very hard to make sure that I spend 98% of my life as my authentic self right whether I am preaching whether I am hanging out with church folk or whether I am by myself right I am now much more than ever what you see is what you get right but there was a time when that was a challenge right where I still wanted to be seen in a particular way you needed to have people around you who you can you know if you curse they're not going to be like oh my God oh my God oh my God how dare he you know you know what I'm saying if you if you lose your temper they're not going to be like can't lose your temper you know so you're still human exactly right but then I'm surrounded by the church that I lead we've got um quite a number of people in our leadership team right yeah and I spent a lot of time with them but would I call them people that I can be totally transparent with right that they can see my nonsense and still think that God speaks through me you know what I'm saying yeah I'm not sure I guess when I look at the like the older Church they did life together everything was together so there's no way that these people won't see your flaws can you be fake 24 24 or not necessarily fake but like can you put on a facade 247 you can not 24/7 but eventually you know people are going to really see your true self yeah yeah it would have been extremely hard yeah right but I don't assume that because Peter and the other guys hung out together right and work together that they were friends right um that's just my own personal um um um interpretation of it I feel like they were together a lot right but their relationship I think transcended friendship in so many ways I think they were more like siblings you know in some ways than than than friends friends are option our friends can up and leave siblings there's this sense of we're stuck together for life choice yeah you know that I feel like they had towards each other and they had a purpose I guess so like they had something that they were on Mission it wasn't just yes yes that kept them together friendships are um I think as a man right my friends are a critical part of my life they are the people that I let my hair down with they're the people that I can chill with they're the people that I can you know just breathe with you know um recently I was out with some guys and some of the folks who I I call my my friends and um we're talking politics you know and that's a dangerous topic well we we we'll talk we'll fight and we get over it you know and and somebody somebody was saying something and I I was so upset you know and I just went off right and then someone else in the group said something that implied they were backing the other person up and I went after them as well by the time we're done I was basically by myself attacking like five guys you know and I was really really upset you know but I can be like that with them yeah you know I'm not going to hear about it on social media and there are some folks you better not because you will hear about it you know and the next time you tell them but the Lord said they'll be like is it you that the other day you were losing your temper like a you know that you're going to come and tell us about the Lord said my friend you know what I mean um but honestly like during the pandemic I had a couple of guys uh who to who we did life together um um they were in my house every Saturday or Sunday evening after service and we would buy food and we would have drinks just three of us and would sit down in my patio until 2: 3 4:00 a.m. you know eating sometimes we will take a nap wake up continue eating you know have some beers it was it was really really good it was really really a really really good time we would we would talk scripture we will talk football we will talk about anything everything we would y each other we would not y it was we preach to each other we prophesy to each other we would pray for each other all the things everything and then on Sunday morning I would be the pastor it was it was amazing you know maybe because we thought the world was about to end you know but it's hard to recapture those kinds of moments right but it's seasons for those things yeah you can't be like that all the time yeah yeah yeah but it was good times I not many people think of the pandemic as good times and you know I don't want to be little what anybody went through but those evenings those evenings they made the one week that you are at home doing like looking forward to something this was highl yes it gave me something to look forward to and that kind of changed in many ways the way that I viewed um friendships right um but yeah I I I agree that friendships are critical for a successful life if you don't have any friends I would suggest that you you get one but the interestingly this morning I was with a young lady and she said to me that do I have um do I have any friends I said yeah she said am I making you friends I said absolutely not yes because I mean it's hard it's especially as an adult it can be right now at my age I don't want new friends like if if you if you are a if you become my friend now it has to be divine seriously I don't want I don't have the time I don't need the friends I have I am good P said No New Friends No New Friends man if you if you make it into my friend Circle yeah now and by the way it's not a circle my it's not a circle like that but if you make it into that space where I think you're my friend it's only God it's only God that did it I promise you but to her like I guess to her question um how would you so a lot like you Pastor a church that has a lot of young people relatively young um and a lot of people who have moved to Dallas in the past like maybe five six years um how would you encourage and I'm sure like people have come up to you and being like hey I'm kind of trying to make friends or it's kind of lonely how do we navigate this like how would you encourage like people to meet other people and find Community um when they move to a new place or they start in a new um they find themselves themselves in a new season right I I I think one thing that needs to be clear friendships will not come to you right go after it you have to go after it people want to Outsource the making of friends to other people right you want to enter a room full of people and you want everybody to reach out to you in an Ideal World yes right but the reality is that more often than not you go into a room and there are people there who are already in relationships right if they have the presence of mind they will reach out to you and try and bring you into it but sometimes they're preoccupied with whatever it is they're doing the the owners is is on you to say hello to somebody right the owners is on you to go where you think you will meet people who are like you it is easier to be friends with people who are like you right so if you moved into Dallas for example I would say go first thing first if you were a Christian I would say find the church where the people are like you I know that some people want to do the opposite right they say oh they don't want people who are like that like them because you know people are going to talk about them you know people get in your business they come with all sorts of really stupid reasons right and what they then find out right is that the places where they go they cannot make friends there they don't have nothing in common they have nothing in common yeah right so they they're walking down this miserable path right unhappy but nobody's in their business right so fear has made it difficult for them to build friendships right but the truth of the matter is there are people who are just like you who want safe relationships just like you right nobody wants a gossip for a friend yeah you know nobody wants a drama fied environment for a friend and the truth is this there's drama in every environment it is where you put is where you put your ear that you'll find out if you went to a church full of Nigerians you'll find a lot of drama there if you went to a church full of ghanians you find and you also went to church full of um ccas Asian Americans you also find a lot of drama there if you're looking for drama you'll find it it's just everybody's drama is different very different and the thing about if you're a Nigerian for example and you're in a Nigerian Church you recognize the drama faster than a Caucasian would recognize it right but don't deceive yourself and think there's no drama in a Caucasian church right or an African-American church or West Indian church right or uh uh but there's people there's going to be drama it's inevitable going to be conflict it's inevitable and and the one that I hate politics oh there's politics in church there's politics in church like bro there's politics in your marriage o there's politics in your home with your mom dad there's politics in your marriage with your wife there's politics with your in-laws politics is the the the the the navigation right the the navigation of the Dynamics of any Community where there are two people there's politics right if I want I like Esther's heart for example if I want Esther's heart I have to ask for the heart but I'm also conscious that sh is here sh might like the heart too so I'm going to ask for you have to navigate that finesse thank you say politics you know people people people people people people people annoy me sometimes with their self rightous indignation about things I want even say I just think it's almost like selfish like you're when you say oh I don't want to I don't want drama it's like but nobody's actually thinking about drama everybody's just thinking about how to face their front and then as a result of all if you don't find drama drama will not find you if you're not saying so what happened yesterday nobody's going to tell you if you seriously and everywhere you go there's drama human beings by by Nature dramatic right people want to be in this perfect world where humans are behaving like machines right devoid of emotions devoid of color and that life that aesthetic life is dry it is boring and you would die of depression in that place right we need color we need people of different temperaments we need people of different you know uh uh uh uh intellectual capacity different ways of thinking you know that's what gives life color it's a tapestry it's not a a matte black matte you know flat um what's that word um monochrome no it's it's it's it's it's exciting when everybody is different and crazy too I'm curious how do you navigate like conflict and stuff within friendships conflict with guys yeah or I would say or even when you talk to people who are going through conflict cuz when you were talking and and I was just thinking about when people are like oh they don't want drama cuz sometimes I just hear that you just you don't want any kind of conflict period and that's impossible um because we're human beings and you I can love you and still disagree and say hey I disagree with this um how do we move forward from this um and I think sometimes when people get into like relation like relationships and they realize oh this person disagrees with me because they don't agree I just think oh this person must be dramatic or like there's something now it's a thing because we don't agree on something I think that you you if there's no conflict there's no relationship one of the ways that you tell there's a relationship is conflict right I feel like conflict is inevitable in true relationships right and this is what I do if we're having an intellectual argument right that is separate from us we're talking about politics we're talking about soccer or anything like that conflict arises if somebody does something or says something that I misinterpret right our emotions are the product of our thoughts right if you said something I would for me to be upset by it now we're talking about soer for me to be upset about it I have to think something about it right so what I do is that I give you the opportunity to change or address what I am thinking right before I start to feel so if I think what you said was disrespectful right I will give you the opportunity to disabuse me of the notion that you just said something to me that was disrespectful about soccer about soccer right you have a choice you can either say no that's not what I said that's not what I meant or you can double down and said exactly that's what I said your team is stupid right you know and then we can have a conversation about about how we going to resolve that issue you know whether I'm going to break bottle on your head or or never talk to you again in my life you know what I mean but I feel like if you and somebody get into it right or have an issue or have a disagreement the way to go about it is to say guy this thing you said in fact I had one of the people who closest to me closest to me in the whole world something happened that really really upset me ticked me off and I call him and tell him right and he say something that was so TR right that I don't even know who annoyed me more him or the person who originally annoyed me right but the person who annoyed me that's the that's a different story immediately he he he he he he said what he said I I immediately I sent him a message like oh boy that thing you said was really you know what was that about I call you and I tell you I've got this happened and you say something something as silly as this I really don't appreciate that right that was me giving him a chance to say to double down or or back off and he chose to back off and we're good right it is I struggle with people who cannot forgive because behind your refusal to forgive is the implication that you are perfect right that you've never wronged anyone else right the the the idea that you are perfect for me for anybody to wear that on their head eh is extremely problematic it means that you do not recognize your own humanity and if you can't recognize your own Humanity you can't deal with mine right if you hurt me I am hurt I am hurt fine right but ultimately I have hurt people too unless I'm saying that I've never Hur anybody and is there anybody in this room that can say they've never hurt anybody so why then do we sit on this high horse now I can say that I've never hurt anybody as much as this person hurt me well I can say that but can I really say that but that is relative yeah we have to ask everybody that you've heard there you go there you go so built into that Dynamic right is the idea that we're not perfect right today you're the one getting on my nerves tomorrow I probably be the one getting on your nerves right so we resolve it we talk about it and we move on without a lot of Tears without a lot of just say gross that thing where you do how does that make it make sense that's all I need to say I was going to say I think even after a while it becomes normal for you to kind of deal with that type of conflict especially if it's a safe place within the friendship you can kind of deal with that conflict yeah like you've built the the vulnerability and relationship to to to feel um okay saying hey I don't really appreciate like how that was hand um I do think it's hard initially right the first time cuz you're kind of like I don't know like when you're in the initial stages cuz I I'm um I'm remembering or recalling a conversation I had with another friend and um she was telling me that she had an issue with a friend and I said have you guys talked about this like did you talk to the person that like that's like the first thing yeah like and she was like honestly I don't know how to approach it because this is a new friendship and we're just starting and I said H you know like if you'll do it the first time you'll really and you'll grow your friendship will grow it it's uncomfortable but you know like you're going to grow from that but so going back to like the before we got here like about how navigating you know making new friends you said going to a church or finding a church Comm if you're a Christian and we hope that if you listening to this yeah so I was saying that you you you find a church where people like you attend right um people that are in the same demographic traffic ranges you socio economic background and all that right and when you get there ask the Holy Spirit to lead you right to meet people yeah interact with people now if you go to church on Sunday on Sunday Sunday is a very interesting the people are in and out many times right they will come for the service if they are of African descent usually late so there's no drinking coffee and stuff before the service and after the service they're off to some event somewhere so they're dashing off right Branch yes however if you came for the other events where people come in casually they lolly gag they hang out you can you can talk to people right you can you can you know you can say hello those events where there's food for example and there's a lot of those in church right come in talk to people get to know people right opportunities what we do in church is give people opportunities to meet people but many times folks want us to actually um not just present the opportunities but also compel interactions right and and I refuse to do that I refuse to be the instigator of a relationship because I'm not going to be the maintainer of that relationship yeah you know if I if I that's why I don't matchmake people cuz if you matchmake them you are responsible for them I don't match make nobody you know have you that guy is single that girl is single that's that's the best like I can only tell you if they're married or that's the best I'm going to do for you cuz the last thing I want is to be responsible for for your relationship Pastor that boy that you gave I didn't give you any boy or Pastor that girl you introduced me to I didn't I didn't which girl two of you were in the same church that's that my business I'm serious because I don't want to be responsible right for friendships that's why in church today people come to our church and leave our church because of their relationships with people in church and I'm okay with that if I became responsible for every relationship that would drive me mad that's too much yeah think that's too much you've got a church of, 1500 people I'm policing your interaction with shimu that's Madness no your interation with shu is your business man I that's not my problem do with this no if you come and meet me and say well PF I'm having a problem with SH how do you think I should navigate it I'll give you counsel yeah and I'm not calling sh and saying sh you know Esther said how is that my business you guys are grown women man deal with it seriously but people actually actually expect that yeah I'm like in what world yeah and I think people don't know how to deal with confrontation I mean I would say that's a part of it as well they don't know how to deal with confrontation so nobody likes confrontation but sometimes you have to confront people and if you can't confront people don't expect me to confront them on your behalf you know I feel like if you come to church you're in a new city you're you're you are looking to make friends and one of the things about Dallas is that the folks in Dallas is generally friendly right however however immigrants are not always the friendliest right because they have a tendency to be suspicious right who's this person coming in from outside right so sometimes it is harder to break into those relationships but I think also like doing like groups like um small group small groups serving in I think service I was I was I was running through I was getting there but again again this is the problem this is me these things are there it's like a it's like a buffet we've got small groups we've got you know family life groups we've got Bible studies we've got all of these groups right choose one you will meet somebody there if you want to you will meet somebody there if you want somebody to meet you that is really where there's a problem because you come in there with a sense of entitlement and sometimes people don't know that you're expecting to that you're expecting that they will come and be be your friend yeah I definitely think service is I think majority of the people that I am really close to now I met them while I was serving there you go majority of the people so are they good friends they are great friends anybody ever stab you stab you in the back from that group not stab there you go but you know we've we've we've yeah my feelings have been hurt we've navigated it we've grown but you survived You' sured I'm a better person for IT can you imagine I've been pushed to grow you know like my patience has been tested but wow thank God you know see there you go but then if you want a an antiseptic Place nobody will push you to grow nobody will offend you nobody will you wa what does that mean antiseptic the void of the Void of uh pollutants got you offenders got you please don't get PF you're going us a whole uh I'm surprised that you guys speak English a whole lesson but you know but yeah I think before we kind of um finish I I think there's two more things I wanted to touch on um and just the importance of also like developing intergenerational relationships and friendships in the sense of it's easy or easier to have friends that are your age or like in the same season and I and I recognize the need for that um but don't know that we we um put I guess on the same like emphasis or importance on like having friends who are have gone ahead of you and I know we we a lot of people will like value mentorship in like career spaces but when you think of just doing life looking for friends who have gone a little bit ahead of you and people who are also coming a little bit behind you and like just developing relationships both ways um and the vi Val that it adds to your life and to those people's lives as well right I I think you know that that is one of the most profound blessings you can have right having friends in multiple Generations yeah um but it's also a very challenging thing to do because to be friends with people in ahead of you you have to be humble right to realize that they are ahead of you right yeah and that they have value to you a lot of young people don't think older people have value right because they feel like they know everything that especially this the millennial generation I'm not I'm not going to talk about it today today I'm just going to I'm just going to just be nice and just leave it for today but another day we'll have this conversation I'mma call it out about about your Generations you know we different you guys are arrogant to the point of excuse my French idiocy gosh you guys think you know everything about everything and you guys don't know didly about didly but you find out cuz life is you know fa find out that's life you will always find out but anyway we'll be here while you're finding out the point is this right to make friends with the folks ahead of you there needs to be a bit of humility right to understand that these folks even though they live in a generation of in a time that may not be as um current as yours right but there's a wealth of knowledge and experience right that they can bring into your life if you will approach them in a way that reflects your respect for them right and when I say respect I don't mean respect culturally I'm talking about respecting their Humanity right and their whatever it is they contributed to to life right um and then the people who are coming from coming after you again humil right to realize that the fact that you are older right or ahead of them in certain areas of life does not make you the repository of all knowledge there are people who are following behind you who you have a lot to learn from right so if you have people who are older than you and people who are younger than you in your life as friends who can actually talk to you and give you counsel who can um support you when you need support in the ways that are relevant to your situation I think that you're just a blessed person right you're just phenomenally blessed younger people making friends with younger folks requires humility requires a a a thick skin the level of patience and patience thank you it it not being sensitive to all the things that they will do that is not in line with acceptable to you Norms right with older folks is the same thing right recognizing that the way that they think and the way that they do things is different but it's not bad yeah right it is different but it is not bad and that is a challenge for us because the way that we do things is always perfect and everyone else is too slow too dumb right and you find out that you're only friends with people who are just like you right yeah so I have friends who are knocking on 70 right and I have friends who are barely 30 right um and navigating both is it requires some thinking you know when I'm with my older friends the way I talk is different than when I'm with my PE when I'm with the younger folk the where I talk is also very different from the way I would talk with my peers right with the younger folk I try to listen more right to them because they talk a lot of nonsense and they talk really fast that's crazy wow I I had to I had to just I to I had to just that if you're a PS friend that's what he talking about that's what he say about you I'm scared no no no no they you know they're new they're current they know what's up they know you know they know technology they know Trends they know everything right so they help you navigate life today because really you're coming from Life yesterday you know what I'm saying so dealing with yes they're the ones who are going to tell you how to you know get around you you know what I mean the other folks are the was are telling you what's coming you know how to deal with it so you better listen to them you know that's what makes life beautiful right different flavors different yes yes different season perspectives as well there you go there you go before we get off I think the last thing I did want you to talk about just a bit was um I guess developing because we we've talked about friendships a lot and we've talked about friendship in the sense of like with each other like human beings um I did want us to talk a little bit about about friendship with God cuz I think so many people like see God as like you know Creator and savior and at the top just far off um but not as much effort has gone into like developing intimacy and just friendship um and when I say effort I don't mean like by doing work but just like hey this is a relationship that's available to you um if you would tap into it I I I I I struggle with that framing yeah about you know relationships with God because those words mean different things to different people intimacy for example um with God you will not see God as much as he sees you right the Bible says a time will come when we will be when we will see as we are seen but we're not there yet right there's a there's a bit of a of an unknown with God that you have to accept in your interactions with him yeah God is not talkative he's not chatty yeah he's not talking to you every two minutes like your homies right and some people enter into this relationship with God expecting him to chat with them every 5 seconds and when he's not they form things in their mind and say it's God right Abraham was a friend of God right how many times did God SP to Abraham in his whole lifetime that is recorded it wasn't 10 times right that God came and said Abraham how far right you know what I'm saying but we have this impression that our relationship with God is as um you know we're constantly jabbering with him and when that's not happening people like oh I don't have no you have to understand that God is a friend in the sense that he is there with you right he's a friend in the sense that you can speak with him without protocol right he's a that's a good word yes you he people talk the protocols of Heaven you know he's a friend in that he's accessible right and you can pour out your innermost thoughts and feelings to you can be vulnerable right with him yeah but that does not mean that he's not God yeah right that does not mean that he's not sovereign right and Sovereign means basically that he has his own will and his own plans and his own agenda he's an entity right by himself he doesn't he's not relative to you you know he doesn't exist from just your perspective if that makes any sense because we have a tendency to think that God is God only for us right he's God over the universe and he has a plan for the universe right and you are a part of that plan he's not he doesn't live for you you live for him right um so so there are certain things that I feel like we need to be aware of going into a relationship with God God is not going to be chatting with you every five minutes if you are hearing voices every five minutes I'm going to question what you are hearing right the Holy Spirit dwells in you so you have access to him right but I don't think the Holy Spirit usually is waking you up in the morning to tell you use the blue mascara or the pink mascara right if it is really critical and important right for world for you for whatever reason he might say something about some things but for the vast majority of things he's not going to say anything cuz there's nothing to be said right now to that exent you won't ask like I'm not going to ask the Holy Spirit what kind of foundation am I wearing today like no you can ask him I mean I could but I'm but if you ask him he probably going to be like how is this my business I feel like he may not even respond because there you go yeah there's a reason why he gave us brains yeah right so use your brain you know use mascara that compliments your you know your skin your coloring whatever you know what I'm saying I I I feel like we over humanized God right and this is one of the reasons why men avoid church we feminize God right in the sense that we use language and terms to describe the relationship with God that only two female friends will understand I have no intimacy with toori I would never Des a relationship with him as my intimate friend what nonsense is that he's just my friend my Guy full stop right you guys use this language that it's just a lot I mean I I would say I feel like the holy spirit is my friend though like I feel like when I'm yeah he's my friend he's my guy and he can be your guy like yeah I I talk to my I talk to L toi dami Fe once a day once every once a week sometimes we may not speak like once a day is a lot you know no no at time I C five different people I'm not saying I talk to everybody once a day that's like where's the time you get but I'm saying that you know we check in you I that's it nothing else yeah what else I do I have to say wow in that I day he summarized all the events of one day I'm good very different you I'm saying and sometimes with I go to the Holy Spirit like man this thing is disturbing me don't worry I got you we'll talk again in two weeks time prayer prayer is um is not a a technique right prayer is a word that describes an interaction between us and God another word for prayer is communication right it is you communicating with God right but inherent in the idea of communication is that it's a two-way street right the way that we pray yeah we pray pray like we're delivering groceries I've delivered it right and you leave when you pray you talking to God with the expectation that at some point in time God is going to talk to you but what really we're doing is delivering to God our list of wants our list of requests it's not communication we're basically saying to God for an hour an hour and a half two hours this is what I want right this this is what I want if you look at Heaven the way the Bible describes Heaven the Bible says that in the in the by the presence of God let's say the presence of God right you've got um the cherubim and the sarim right and then you've got the elders and what are the elders doing day in day out they take their crowns and they cast it on on on on on at his feet and they say holy holy holy is the Lord God Almighty right you know how you say when I get to heaven I'll ask God I've never said that thing before something happens I ask go why is it like that it's not possible that you would get to heaven and you be chatting with God why you be there's so much Glory there's just so much Glory that the only thing you're going to do right if you get close enough to it is fall down on your face and Shout holy holy holy the whole earth is full of his glory all that is going on nobody's having conversations in heaven chatting chatting chatting like that they have conversation but it's usually at another level worship is more is most likely 99.9% of what we're going to do in heaven right so our interaction with God on Earth honestly be honest with you 99% of it should be worship and Thanksgiving not a continuous repetition of the same list that's not prayer now that's just a just USPS delivering request to Santa yeah okay we're going to um kind of put a pin in that and talk about prayer again we have to talk about prayer yeah I have a lot of thoughts that's I've been marinating in my soul for years yeah so that's definitely going to be on another episode but for today thank you guys so much for joining us um we wish you guys a Merry Christmas hope you enjoy the time with your family what does merry mean Mary isn't that like to be married to be happy to be usually Mary is used in conjunction with intoxication you hope I hope you know that thank you thank you for wishing Dr wish you a drunk Christmas I'm not among them I wish you a spirit filled joyous joyful Christmas yes but I is trying to say something and I don't know what she's saying to me she's trying to correct your English not successfully though but you know wow um anyways enjoy the holidays guys um and make sure to to like subscribe comment comment share this with your friends and family and yeah and we'll see you guys back next week peace bye have a have a happy Christmas don't have a Merry Christmas unfilter [Music]