(0:00)Do you repeat your parents' mistakes?
unfilter hello everybody and welcome to another episode of PF on filter even though T me I feel like you always say the hello every time okay can we let can we let sh do it please okay you know CH you let's see we sound like let's see what we sound like let's see what H everybody and welcome to you I think we'll stick with W I think we'll stick with it's the I'm not even mad I'm not even mad for me it's okay okay yeah ask us how we're doing I should see I feel like you guys are already saying okay you go to say hello everybody you ask us I were doing which I will but this time I want to to answer because I feel like PF is going to just say it was fine all is well PF in the last 24 hours has there been anything significant that has occurred in your life that you would like to share with your PF on fut no CH please anything in your life I think I think T has something he wants to share with us yeah yeah just tell okay I I actually do have something I want to say how much I appreciate the both of you oh my God you guys have honestly honestly y honestly okay maybe like I might be fluffing it the fact that you have to say honestly fluffing somebody says honestly it's not honest anymore they're trying to Prim you a I mean I care I I I appreciate the both of youall appr I didn't this is is is in to I'm just clearly I'm freestyling yeah yeah yeah yeah but I don't I actually don't have anything significant that occurred I'm alive I'm well I'm here I'm grateful some people would not consider that sorry no no no no no go go go go which people will not consider it yeah sorry forgive apologize apologize all right let's get to the meia this this
(01:47)The weight of the absent father
one this episode is a little vulnerable for me um because I think I I shared in the last episode that you know when I was when I was a 5-year-old boy um you know Young and and hopeful uh my father actually when people are trying to be vulnerable how did they dudes they have to like look in the camera and like be a little bit somber same music in the background like like Titanic type vipes okay but seriously um my dad left when I was five left where left home and never came back when I was young um and I've always had that I've heard the I've had the fear that is not serious that I maybe if I grow up and I have when I have my own child which by thank God I do now that I might have certain characteristics that he he had maybe not might not might not be like leaving my kid but not being a good parent um a good father a good role model right um and I feel like a lot of children or a lot of Nigerian children that are probably in my age range should we AG H you know that's young you know and agile um I feel like they might share the exact same sentiment obviously not like their dad or whoever leaving them but just this this gap between my mom my father my parents and me when I was growing up and now I'm at an older age now as an adult it might be manifesting itself in a not negative way but not the most healthy way so I was going to ask ask you how was your par how was your childhood like and how do you think that has affected the man that you are today and the way you parent and the way you parent okay that that's a really good
(03:40)The 'template' of our upbringing
question you know um I grew up with both my parents um in the house um in my opinion they had a solid marriage they in your opinion in my opinion um they were married up until my mom passed away in um 2011 2011 2012 um so I had them as an example right of how to raise a child I watched them raise me so to I experienced them raising me watched them raise my siblings I'm the eldest of uh four um I had a sister who passed away um at some point so I basically watched them raise you know my siblings and that really in all truth became the template right for how I was going to raise my own children that was the natural template the Bible says train a child in the way that he should grow and when he's old he will not depart from it one of the things that happens as we're being raised to be whoever it is we're supposed to be we're also being raised to raise our children like that we have a tendency as human beings to reproduce what we experienced or to reproduce what we have learned um my I would say my parents were middle class upper middle class my father was a civil servant my mother was a business woman a Trader um she also had a few like four taxes um so we we lived a relatively materially comfortable life um stable we didn't really want for for much in terms of food or shelter or clothing um privilege in many ways so like AO would you can you what is that AO is what it's a term that is that Swahili no it's uh it's broken English I believe it's a term that's used to describe people that grew up in privilege I see right right you no fam that kind of I understand yeah yeah
(05:50)Traditional Naija vs. Liberal parenting
anyway so I grew up quite comfortable right my parents were you know the typical Nigerian parents uh my mother was more traditional my father you know was a bit more liberal a bit more Progressive so to speak in his interactions with us for example my mother wanted us to prostrate which is the typical euroba way of greeting an elder um when we greeted my dad in the morning and my dad would not have it you know my dad if you even called him sir he would tell you don't call me sir was Daddy or or dad but it was never you know uh yes sir no sir you know U my mom wanted my siblings to call me brother you know cuz I was the Elder the eldest brother my father was not having any of that so a lot of the traditional um um things my father kind of blocked it but my parents were quite strict my my I I I
(06:43)Justice was swift (The Ping-Pong method)
joke with folks that you know when your dad is punishing you which usually was a good round flogging you would run to your mom and you would get refuge in my house my dad slaps you you run to my mom you get a slap on the yeah you'd be like the the they usually play ping pong you know Justice was Swift oh you know um but my old man was you know he he tried to be they tried to he tried they tried to be active in our lives I remember in in secondary school high school we had a school play um the gods are not to blame and my father actually came and directed the play um so you they were involved in in that way now fast forward my own children I didn't see anything wrong with with the way my parents raised me so my tendency is to reproduce that yeah but I had girls and there's a softening that you have towards girls right um so there was that softening from me to them in a way that I didn't get from my parents right I I knew that we were raising children in a different environment from where we were raised I was raised in Nigeria my kids were raised in America so I knew that I had to be affectionate I was very affectionate with my girls you know um Hogs kisses spending time with them um and and all of that stuff I'm sorry you
(08:16)The silence of affection
didn't learn that from your parents I never first of all I hope my old man is not watching this never heard I love you not once from any parent until I think I was already in my 20s maybe if my memory serves me correctly never got a hug I remember the first time I shook hands with my father it was a very proud moment for me I felt like a man you know he shook my hand and looked me in the eye you know um and that was it that was the extent of the affection Right but then you grew up in you're raising children in the west and affection is a big deal here public displ of affection are a big deal and the children expect it right you would be almost mean to deny them that and so you know we got into the public display of affection Hogs kisses and all of that stuff um but as they grew older now my wife and I were raising them together so my wife was trying to raise them the way she was raised and we noticed that there were problems in the interaction between her and the girls that almost mirrored the problems in the interaction between her and her mom so we had to switch it up and do things a little bit differently the challenge many times is that when you see problems in that process many of us will double down right and insist on what we knew even though what we knew and how we were raised um um was problematic
(09:49)Why children need validation, not just grades
right one of the things that I have learned is that children need affection children need affirmation children need validation our culture my culture was not big on validating affirmation and affection so I grew up without a sense of esteem that comes from validation affirmation and affection when a child is Young scientists will tell you that children need these things validation affirmation affection right from their parents and then from their peers and then from their Community right a lot of us were raised in a situation or in not situation we're raised in a way that was not big on validation affirmation and affection validation affirmation and even affection was given only when we did something that merited it like you got good grades right then you would get uh you know some celebration Well Done Right but if you didn't get good grades you would get nothing or you would get some kind of punishment right that affects us as we grow up it affects psychologically it affects us emotionally as we get older um in life so as soon as I realized that I realized that I could not rais my children in exactly the same way that I was raised there are some core values that my parents taught me my mother was very big on generosity um very kind uh kind to strangers helping people who needed help um they weren't mean people they weren't uh nasty they were good people but one of the major components of raising a child is making sure that the child is not only uh physically materially comfortable right you know the Bible says beloved I wish above all things that thou mayest prosper and be in health even as your soul prospers right the idea is that we are prospering physically mentally and spiritually I believe that my parents focused heavily on my physical prosp Prosperity my to varying degrees my spiritual Prosperity but didn't pay as much attention to the emotional right and the emotional is critical because the emotional is kind of like the foundation of your life right it is how you see yourself it is how you interact with the world it is how you interact it determines how you interact in your relationships but our culture was more
(12:20)The 'Success' trap in Nigerian homes
focused on achievement right being a good doctor being a great engineer being a pharmacist being a lawyer being an accountant right those that is where the emphasis was and a lot of energy was a lot of energy and resources were invested in making sure that we had good education right the best that the country could offer a lot of energy and investment was put into making sure that we were polite and well behaved members of the society but emotionally the resources were not as um were not enough I like that initially you had talked about how your wife um and the way that she was Raising because I was actually going to ask that like so you talked about your perspective but when you're raising kids you're raising kids with someone who was raised completely differently and how do you then come together and make a decision like what path are we going to take and like I guess making compromises on I know this is how you were raised and this is how I was raised but where how are we going to raise our kids I guess the Dynamics of that and and what happens usually in like if there's ever any conflict in like I think we should raise them this way and you're like no I think we should raise them this way okay so the challenge is this right what is your goal right so you know how we talk about the vision what is the vision for this CH for this child right what is your what is the desired or expected end of this child that will in many ways determine the methodology of how you raise the child child what is the relationship that you desire to have with the child I don't think my parents gave a lot of thought to my relationship with them right I don't think they gave a lot of thought to my confidence level right I think they gave a lot of thought to my academic achievement so they made
(14:19)Changing the goal of parenting
sure they sent me to the best schools that they had access to right we my wife and I gave thought to the kind of relationship wanted to have with our children we didn't want them to just be obedient right we wanted them to grow up to also be our friends right to we wanted them to like us we didn't want them to be afraid of us right um and the reason why we did a cost correction was because we realized that the way that we were going we were not going to achieve those goals right we wanted our children to be academically successful absolutely we wanted them to be um polite members of the society absolutely but we also wanted them to be very confident right we wanted them to be able to uh stand in front of kings and not feel less done yeah we wanted them to stand in front of their PE and not be defined by their material situation because we you know we know that these things go up and down right and so we had to look at what we were doing and what we were trying to achieve and if what you're doing is not going to get you to where you want to go then you need to change what you are doing right and for us we realized very quickly that some of the things we were doing was not going to get us to where we wanted to let me give a classic example my youngest daughter d d is the sweetest child you've ever met she was a tyrant when she was little cuz she she that's another story but she was very sweet even as a child when she did something wrong growing up you know she picked up something and put it in her mouth you know you take it from her you be like Dam me stop that stop that stop that right you know kind of like the way we were raised you know little part here little part there um and then
(16:01)What your kids learn from your anger
one day you know she goes to kindergarten and they give us a call principal calls us and says come come get your kid she's um she's been hitting some other kids and I'm like dami d would never hit anybody she's an angel right and we get there and they say that was you know giving kids little PS like don't do thata yeah you know and we're like so where did she get that from we had shown her that when you are upset with somebody smack them right so we have to reevaluate and say okay how are we going to discipline this girl without teaching her right without yes because she had learned to associate bad behavior with a tap she had learned to associate anger with a tap so if you annoy her you get a tap if you behave badly to her you get a tap so we realize that if you're going to tap her you need to let her know why you're tapping her you need to make sure that there is no exuberance of emotion otherwise she would associate this with this right and we don't really think about things like that we don't really think that our children are learning about how to do life not just by the things that we say but also by the things that they see right so we had to adjust what we were showing our children right because of what we saw with d Missi and she quickly you know stopped it because we nobody was tapping anybody again without a conversation as to why you're getting the tap right um AKA and um um our eldest daughter Dar had a difficult relationship and we realized that that is not the relationship she wanted with her daughters right so we had to recalibrate yeah without undermining our other goals of academic success of um of achieving of confidence right I I I I emphasize a lot um those three things validation affection and affirmation I I place a lot of emphasis on it because I realize that a lot of people who grew up in my generation are emotionally stunted or dysfunctional right right but we don't realize that because you know we we're making good money we're doctors we're Engineers we're lawyers we're and it seems like everyone was raised the same too yes yeah it was the same same same format same format yeah it was normal right but we think we're fine but then look at our relationships right a lot of us are struggling in our relationships we're just not vocal about it because we've learned to keep things inside a lot of us are dysfunctional emotionally a lot of us lack self-esteem we have this uh full confidence right that um people if you look behind it you will realize that this is not confidence at all this is a very low self-esteem it's insecurity that drives a lot of the noise that we make true right and that insecurity comes from a child's not feeling valued not feeling esteemed not feeling uh uh validated by just being a child one of the things that I found really amusing about America when we first got here was when the kids would go to school they would come back with participation certificates you they'll say oh uh the tiest kid in the class the biggest smile in the class and he used to irritate me like what's that that who came first yeah who came second who got the prize in mathematics which one is biggest smile what's biggest smile or or you know or or or perest you know what was that but I realized that there was a there was wisdom inv validating every child right making them feel you know what it doesn't matter what you have achieved or not achieved you are a person and you are worthy of respect and you are worthy of love right which we don't get right which which we didn't get we didn't get anything like that well most of us didn't get anything like that so we have to achieve that is why you put a Nigerian anywhere in the world he will rise to the top of his profession because without success he is nothing he's been taught that if I am not a doctor I am nothing so go to any medical school in America and check what percentage of the medical students are Nigeria go to any law school in America and check what percentage of the law students are in America in fact Nigerians are the uh uh how do they say it are the highest achieving immigrant community in America now can you imagine that and there only about what 800,000 Nigerians in America yeah there are more Asians there are more uh uh Hispanics but the way that they raise us if you don't do well in school no you are nothing they will either ignore you or they will punish you but nobody's going to give you a participation trophy nobody's going to celebrate your participation trophy is that just because of the like is this one of those it's because of the way they were raised and the way their parents were raised because I mean they care for us so why they love us they love us dearly dearly that and you see it when somebody tries to mess with you right and they're like and then your mother takes her ha tie off it on her waist and says what are you trying to do with my child so the love is not in doubt it's just that it is not shown and love that is not shown is not felt but why is why do you think it's not like shown it's the way they were raised it's from generation to generation right and many of us are in danger of repeating that thing yeah we're we're in danger of repeating a template that does not work in this generation my kids came home from school one time even before school they would ask me why Daddy D sit down eat your food sitting down why because you want to eat why why they would ask you so many wise and those wise can be so frustrating and the instinct is how can I can you imagine asking your parent tells you do something you say why then they give you an answer then you say why I mean you're are dead you're dead just die because they're going to kill you right but these kids will ask you why and they're not asking out of rudess they're asking out of curiosity right right so answer them or shut it down and when you shut it down guess what happens they learn to be uncurious right because every time they ask why they get into trouble they stop asking why and that is why in many of our societies you see us accepting of a lot of things we don't question anything we have been trained not to be curious we have been trained not to ask why yeah and that inability to ask why it it it deems a child's confidence right it makes a child feel insecure makes a child sometimes feel anxious yeah parenting utilize fear the way we were raised fear was a major tool of parenting if you are afraid of me you will behave yourself fear has its place but it can't be the primary tool it can't be the the primary vehicle of of of getting a child to do what a child needs to do right one of the things that we found out is that um um positive reinforcement is more effective than harsh punishment there's a place for punishment right but it's a very narrow place because if we're not careful you damage the child more than you help the child right I was talking about achievement and how everybody in Nigeria is a high achiever and we celebrate that but we don't ask ourself at what cost and that is why we have a country full of doctors and engineers and Pharmacists and lawyers and dentists and Architects and the country is still a mess it is still a mess why because the emotional Foundation was never laid one of the things that confidence breeds is contentment people don't attach confidence to contentment but confidence confidence is critical for contentment you cannot be content if you have no confidence because you're always going to be trying to match up with everyone else and everything else but when you have confidence in yourself in the way that you think in who you are then it doesn't matter what anyone else the yes but when you are not content you will steal the kind of money that your great grandchildren cannot spend and you will squander it before your great grandchildren are born why because you lack confidence you attach your value to material things so you need more you need more and more and more to feel any sense of value any sense of dignity any sense of self and we don't realize it that did not come from the sky it came from the way we rais our kids so P what I guess what what I'm what is repeated in my head is that what made you clock in terms of like obviously you you explain how your your relationship with your parents yeah and now it was pretty much what ours was it was strict it was disciplinarian it was XYZ right but when it came to your kids I know you said it was different this is America on Nigeria but there was still a lot of people that are in America but they're still raising their kids with what they the foundations of what they were raised with what made you like say n I'm not going to carry on this trauma you know what I mean cuz I think this is important I get your point I think for me the the driving force was I really wanted a good relationship with my children I I I just loved them and I'm not saying my parents didn't love me I'm sure they love me to bit and by the way I do have a good relationship with my with my with my mom before P I'm my father now you know very we we're we're almost like friends now um but it doesn't mitigate the challenges the absence of that relationship created when we were you know one of the things that I hear a lot of parents say is that you're supposed to be a parent not a friend right and and I agree with that yeah but if your children have trouble and they can't come to you first yeah you have failed in whatever it is you're trying to do if your child is in in a bad situation and they can't pick up the phone right they would rather call some friend who doesn't have your knowledge who doesn't have your resources who doesn't have your experience to give them advice there's something wrong with what you have done what do you tell the parent that sacrificed and did everything they could for the for their children that that was their concern and they just can't understand how after everything I've done for you you cannot come and come to me come to me obviously like I might not have been the nicest was because I was hustling to make sure that you were provided for it is what it is it's cause and effect right if you don't invest in a relationship there will not be relationship the fact that you put a roof over my head yeah the fact that you pay my school fees doesn't give us a relationship you are my father right and you've told me over and over this is your obligation this is what fathers do are you doing it for me or are you doing it because that's what fathers do right what what have you done for me lately not lately but that will communicate to me that you love me I don't understand about rent I don't understand about mortgages I don't understand about school fees I'm a child right as far as I'm concerned food fell from the sky I don't know these things what I know is are you touching me right what I know is are you hugging me what I know is are you talking to me softly if every time you talk to me you back at me you yell at me right if every interaction is dismissive or punitive right what relationship are you building if every conv my friend what's wrong with you can you get out of here please is that say my friend will you be quiet if come on get out what you then do is create fear right right right you create fear and fear does not Foster relationships right I believe that as a parent we have a responsibility to provide materially but Also spiritually and emotionally we have the tools right we love them if we didn't love them is a different story we love these kids but for some reason we think it is not we should not express that love or we should only express that love through provision right in America if you don't pay the bills if I cannot if as a parent if you don't feed me if you don't feed your children you will go to jail and they will take that child from you so who are you doing it for for all I know you just you just don't want to go to jail so I want to go a little bit forward and and back as well um let's go if we when I'm saying go forward I'm I'm now thinking of um parents and like adult children and their parents now and fostering relationship so like let's say you're raised in a home where you know typical Nigerian household where it's like oh strict disciplinary and all of that you're an adult now you're raising kids and you're like hey I see where we that we don't really have a relationship um but I want to change this but I'm still upset or like there's still things that are like I haven't forgiven like how would you then say let's how do you navigate this I I I think that there has to be a conversation right with whoever it is between the the the people in the relationship but one of the things that I've come to realize is that those conversations are very difficult and many times very unfruitful and the reason why they are unfruitful is that no parent thinks to themselves this thing I am doing is bad let me go ahead and do it no parent is thinking this thing I'm doing is wicked let me go ahead and do it they did what they did with the best of intentions because the society that they came from valued certain things more than other things right and relationships were easier in those days yeah Society worked on a very strict hierarchy yeah the younger submitted to the Elder full stop if the younger is submitting to the Elder that's a good person marriage is you've married the person you submit to your husband full stop all these lovey doy nice happy family you know white p f you know a puppy a golden retriever you know Mom and Dad hugs and kisses all of that stuff was not necessary so I don't think there's any parent that did Evil intentionally right so when you come to a parent with that accusation you did this you did that they're going to be like are you on what are you smoking I paid your bills I made sure you went to to school I did this for you I did that for you I did this for you so that conversation has to be hard but from a place of humility from a place of understanding from place of empathy how were they raised I mean if you think about the fact that you're raising your kids the way that you were raised yeah why would you blame them right for raising you the way they were raised yeah so it's a conversation particularly when there are wounds yeah where there are hurts I don't have any wounds with my parents I don't have any heart so there was never a need for a conversation I just needed to realize where the deficiencies were right and try as much as possible to repair yeah and thank God the more you come to know the love of God the more you find validation affirmation um and um affection from God and what you didn't get from people um God and the Holy Spirit supplies right um so yeah you need to have a conversation with them you need to um understand where they're coming from but I also think that a lot of us approach those conversations thinking that those conversations will heal us yeah those conversations will not heal you you have an agenda going into those conversations they won't heal you they won't give you any closure you probably might even get into an argument with the parent yeah right it may even make things worse but I feel like if you get healing if you are healed you're more able to approach those conversations in a way that is productive if you approach it from the place of pain and I and I get why we want to do that but in my experience eight times out of 10 it doesn't go well right it turns into a accusations and counter accusations there's lots of crying and many times it creates a Schism even worse Schism than existed before I think one should look for healing and not wait for somebody don't put your healing in anybody's hands right um by the way I love our culture right I love the the music I love the food I love the the community what music do you love out for our culture out of what music what music do you any any music what about food what food do you love from my I love our rice I love our stew R stew do you like our avocados avocad is not our culture you what what vegetable from our culture do you like that is not cooked that's not cooked yes what kind of vegetables you eat that not cooked spinach carrot carrots that's not from our culture they brought all those things so what vegetabl from our culture you want to you want to ask me question answer the question yourself so don't wait no we have vegetables why are we talking we talking abouts sorry sorry are you hungry kind of hungry I'm hungry for love and affection you're hungry for love and affection okay so Christ ask the Lord give ask the Lord no no no seriously though Christ I I I had obviously I don't disagree I when you were talking earlier and when shim asked the question I was thinking okay just go along with this metaphor like it's not even a metaphor Adam and Eve yeah God was their right is was their parents and when I think about that relationship however brief was spoken in in Genesis I'm remembering things like taking a walk or before they fell you know walking and strolling it felt like it was friendly at least again my interpretation right and we know God is just but if God being the first parent quote unquote yeah parented in that way where it was an environment of like love love genuine sincere love and affection right then shouldn't that be I mean not to talk of Christ and his love for the church shouldn't that be our template our template yes I I I I agree you know but also bear in mind that discipline is part of love right if you love somebody you correct them yeah so this is not I'm not saying not to discipline a child right I'm not saying not to correct a child or rebuke a child right but I'm saying that we have to ask ourselves how are the choices we're making in this child's life affecting the child Beyond just the material and the spiritual we take our children to church some of us make our children fast some of us they speak the children speak in tongues and and that's great and I love that but then if your child right cannot look another man in the eye right if your child like I said earlier has a problem and they cannot come to you nobody loves them like you do you love them viscerally you always have their best interest at heart most well most of the time most of the time yeah sometimes we can be selfish CU we're human right right but in in the ideal circumstance you're the best equipped to help that child but the child doesn't trust you there's something wrong there's something wrong so my other question you know how I said I was going to go forward and back so now my other question is more so for I guess parents who are parenting in this generation now with like where there's like social media and like access to a lot of information and like just everything is everywhere how do parents then not control but like like raise their children like guiding them like hey this is right this is wrong when it seems like they can just be like I'm a Google it don't worry I'm not even going to ask you I'm just going to go Google and there's like a plethora of information available yeah that and that is is a big problem it's a big problem but the good thing about it is this Society has not totally disengaged parents from that process right parents still have some influence right in what their child consumes yeah every all the guys I know their children have phones but they control how much time the children can spend on the phone they control how much time the child in fact the websites the children can visit they control who the children can talk to the conversations are open to the parents right so it's not like you are totally powerless right but but all of the power that God gives you to steare your child's life right is to be a blessing to the child if God's desire for us is that we be in good health right that we Prosper as our soul prospers then that has to be the desire of every parent for every child right it's not enough that this child is a successful doctor right but can this child actually have a relationship right with his spouse yeah or her spouse can this child have a relationship with other people that is not dysfunctional right that is not problematic right that is actually genuine I always joke that a lot of people from my part of the world we like the big designer belts I used to wear them as well you know because we like to show off our achievements on our with the big you know designer logos and all of that because that is where our value is our value is in material things right so we need to flaunt the material things to declare that I have value I have value so guess what I've got this car I've got this house I wear this clothes look at my belt I have value but there are people who will stand in front of the president yeah and they wearing clothes that they bought in a thft store and they will question him without any fear right because they have learned that their value does not come from a their title their position or their material things yeah we should be is striving to raise children who can achieve great doctors great Engineers but also have a sense of value intrinsic to themselves irrespective of their material status right irrespective of their socio economic status I love America for for that reason yeah there are people who earn $30,000 in America and they feel so good they're very happy with themselves every summer they get in their RV they go to Y national park with their family they do road trips and they're very happy they shop at Walmart and thrift stores they're very happy how many Nigerians do you know will be any $30,000 I won't be every night crying God why me I mean that's fact I don't I don't know I don't know any nigeran I'm sure there they exist I just don't know anyone do you know why because with $30,000 and somebody from your village earning $150,000 when the $150,000 man talks you better not open your mouth yes sir you better not open your mouth who are you you are nothing yeah even if the man doesn't say you are nothing you yourself you feel you are nothing because you've been taught yeah he's a better human being than you he's more valuable than you because he has more money than you you've been taught it that is why all of us we pursue material wealth like we pursue oxygen it's an existential thing for us we need it to be human in a way that it baffles people it baffles me yeah we need it to be validated we need it to be validated we need it to be respected we need it for It's Like Oxygen yeah without it you are nothing right and that is why there's no amount of money that is enough there's no amount of money that is enough if you have the opport opportunity you will get more because value is something that if you don't have you will keep chasing and you will never find you want more you want more there will always be somebody that has a million dollars more somebody that has one more private jet than you are you going to accept that that person is a better human being than you and you have the opportunity to catch up with the person or overtake the person oh you're going to take that opportunity even if it means stealing particularly when Society doesn't care where the money comes from all they care about is that you have the money and if you have the money you have value and you telling me not to steal I have to steal because that is where value is yeah the parent child Dynamic for me as and CH and I were talking as we always do before we record these things that the parent child Dynamic for me has always been something that's very sensitive like I don't I don't know what the right way is being a young young father young um very relative can I say something let me interrupt you there the fact that you know that there's a problem and you're conscious of the dynamic right you are at least 40% of the way to solving the problem if you don't know there's a problem you can never solve the problem right but when you know that there's a challenge here yeah you are halfway to solving the problem some people will say what I will encourage you is this have a goal for your child have a vision for your your child have a vision for the kind of relationship you want to have with your child have a vision for the kind of child you want your child to be or the kind of adult you want your child to be and invest resources accordingly invest your time accordingly invest your input into that child's life accordingly the challenge for us is we have no vision for these children we're just raising them to be good children what is a good child right or we want them to be successful okay what is a successful child because you can have a lot of money right so you're saying that you know if there's a parent out there that has a child that is 3 years old is already speaking in tongues yeah right awesome and it's already and he already doing um um um differential equations awesome but has no love that child is going to become a sociopath narcissist narcissist or maybe even a psychopath I don't know I'm just throwing words out there there will be a path social they going to be a path yeah on that child yeah children are are very impressionable in ways that we can't even imagine your children are going to talk like you they're going to walk like you and not all of it is genetics it's what they see they will talk the way you talk yeah I mean my son has an American accent so it's like I look at you he's talking like you know key boy yeah because he spends a lot more time than it's not you talking to him it's he's watching TV and the iPad and they talk with that accent so he picks it up or dayare stuff or day care right right but when you talk when you do the talking right you'll find out that the kids will talk like you yeah because they will mimic what they see right yeah and if they don't see anything then something else will fill the space they something they'll mimic something else right and I I don't want us to leave this episode you know feeling like we're bashing parents we're not bashing parents I just think that we need to be intentional very intentional very very intentional and thoughtful about how we're raising our children I I was at a men's meeting a few weeks ago and the guys were stuck on the scripture that says a man that does not provide for his family is worse than an Infidel and they had narrowed a father's provision to money just material to just material things why do we always just always go down the same sorry gra because like it's always the same it's it's it's it's there's a logic to it right but it's incomplete yeah you should provide for your family materially but you should also provide for them emotionally I should also provide for them spiritually right a father is the provider absolutely I I will accept that Monica right but it's not just Financial it's not just Financial children should not feel love only from from a mother they should not feel affection only from a mother they should not feel validation or affirmation only from a mother they should also feel it from a father yeah and a mother it should not be the exclusive Preserve of one of the spouses to show love and the other want to show discipline yeah no they must feel love from the people who they naturally look up to validation affirmation yeah because if they don't have that if they don't have that it's a problem it's a mental problem for them it's an emotional problem we're raising emotionally we were raised and we are in many ways emotionally dysfunctional Nigeria and I know a lot of people watching this are not Nigerians but let me just quickly talk about Nigeria because that's the country I'm most familiar with if we're going to change Nigeria when changing our leadership is not going to solve our problem because our leadership come from amongst us so we should have foreign leaders or something is it that we have is that we have foreign leaders no no we need leaders who are raised differently than yeah who are raised differently than the way we raise leaders we raise children the problem starts with the way we raise children we're running around the circles thinking that oh if we change the leaders if we change the leaders when you change the leaders you're just bringing another bunch of insecure low self-esteemed people and we see it all the time people who are you know gungho before they enter government they mean they enter government and they see all the money they can steal they start to steal it people who are socially this socially that once they see that money they lose their minds do you know why they were never raised in a way that they could see money and not take it because that is where the value is I was talking about the guy who earns $30,000 he earns $30,000 but he sits over a budget of $250,000 and he does not touch a dime why he's confident in who he is the money does not define him so he doesn't have to steal it he's content he's happy he's never been outside wit cancers never been and he's not interested we travel the world to go and do what to go and shop [Music] shop why yeah because that's where the value is not in me but in what I have and all of us are looking for Value so we want to have more and more and more change the way we raise children you will change our country if you don't change it I was going to say you know cuz it typically Clos with make a case for Christ and yeah and I was going to say make a case for the the the people that are one day hoping to be parents but I feel like you just summarized that in the last two or three minutes you were speaking right right you know the Bible says that I am Fe carefully and wonderfully made I think all of us have to look at that scripture right I am fearfully and wonderfully made and find a sense of value in the amount of in the resources that God invested in US yeah when you think about how he sent his son to die for you you know I've talked about this before God's goal in sending Christ is not for us to make heaven heaven is a byproduct you know his goal is a relationship with us that's why he made Adam and Eve right and put them in the garden and he always used to hang out with them it was to have a relationship with them and what Jesus Christ came to do was correct a mistake correct a wrong that Adam and Eve committed right to take us back to God's original intent which is relationship right if you can connect with that you will see value in yourself and if you can see value in yourself you can impart value to your children right for me what set me Set Me Free was knowing that the creator of the heavens and the Earth the King of Kings and the Lord of lords loved me so much that he would pay a price for me a price that maybe my Society wouldn't pay for me but he paid that price for me he sent his son to die for me I I must mean something to him he wants a relationship with me I must mean something to him if I mean something to the King of Kings and the Lord of lords who cares what you think H doesn't mean anything to me I don't have to pursue it I don't I did nothing to pursue his yeah remember while we were still Sinners while I was at my worst that was when Christ died for me so if he loved me when I was in the biggest mess is it now that he will stop loving me that is where I have found value and I can then impart value to my children yeah separate from whatever they achieve separate from whatever they have awesome I think that that was a really well tied in way to end the episode um I think I'm just encouraged one um I one one thing that you did say that stuck out to me was the um the intentionality with raising your children um because I mean while I don't have kids like being around people I can definitely say that I like I look at people and I'm like I can tell how you were raised just by the way that you're acting like I can tell I can tell the relationship you have with your parents by the way that you respond to things and like it makes a huge huge difference in the kind of person that you become um but that doesn't mean that you can't be a different person and I love how you said like like just one um when you when you realize what Christ did for you and you start to attach value to yourself because you know he died for you there's with even in nothing in you're a mess like he valued you that much you are that valuable valuable to him then changes your perspective on who you are and what you bring um and then the way that you raise your kids so I guess we're just going to encourage all the parents who are listening who are trying um to raise children in this crazy crazy world or if you are hoping to one day raise children one I encourage you guys to be intentional about the way that you are parenting your children um but also to have a little bit of empathy for the way that you were raised um and start to find Value in Christ and not in outside validation of people while validating your children too yeah yeah the kids need it you know I I I um I I love what you said and I want to encourage all the parents parenting is tough I used to think just have the children they'll be fine they know parting is hard it's hard work you are investing time resources you're literally living for your kids right um and and you know I pray for every parent that listens to this that God will give you the strength that God will give you the wisdom that God will give you every resource that you need to be a parent that will raise children in the knowledge and in the nurture of the lord it's not um it's not the easiest thing in the world so we need all the help we can get um to to do it right yeah thank you so much guys thanks for list being PF on filtered oh one last thing sorry I wanted to shout out to my daddy because I love you Daddy thank you for being the dad as you are because I'm going to shout out to my Mommy too because I can't relate but pleas Mommy I love you please like Subs subscribe share if this was a blessing thank you guys appreciate it bye unfilter [Music]